Shiny

I don't really even know what happened yesterday. I know I picked up my room again, brought the vacuum down into my room, but didn't use it at all. When I finally had the time to do so - or maybe just the drive - my family was asleep. It kind of sucks being on a different sleep schedule than everyone else when you have things to do.

I was just going to say I don't remember what I did before work, and now I completely remember. I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out. Perhaps I'm tired. Well, I know I'm tired.

Yeah, so, I woke up about quarter to three. Maybe a little later, I dunno. It took me a little while to get up, okay? I planned on picking Abbi up from school, and while I did, I was a little later than I've ever been. Usually I'm on time, y'know? Punctuality is a pet peeve of mine, but only when directed to myself. I let other people off on the hook when they aren't as punctual. Except for a select couple people, I suppose. But I was late, and for some reason I didn't really care. That isn't like me, okay? If I'm ever late, I apologize up a storm. I don't know what's been up with me lately. It's kind of like I'm just letting life glide by and I don't give a shit. This ... has never worked out well for me. But I haven't given up. Yet. I just don't ... care.

Abbi mentioned to me in a text before I left for the high school that she had left her work clothes at home. So, since I hadn't managed to miss the high school I'm getting the hell out of here rush, I took Abbi the long way to her house. I ended up taking Miller to West Delhi and then taking a little jog down Joy to take Jennings all the way to her house. I know Dexter really well, okay? It's because I kind of pay attention when drivers ask where roads are and because I drive way too much. I probably waste hundreds of dollars doing absolutely nothing on the road except blowing off steam - which I found doesn't really work for me anyway. I need to find a way to vent my anger, and I'm coming to the conclusion that the only way I can do that well is through violence. But, with my limited knowledge of psychology, that's a bad thing. Attach negative motions to a negative attitude and good luck getting rid of that. But really, all I've wanted to do lately is make my knuckles bloody in a violent rage against an immobile object. I'd love that. Grin and bear the pain, y'know? I can do it. I do it often enough.

Yeah, anyway....

So what Abbi and I did was just hang out in her room until we had to go to work. Abbi fed me some of the spaghetti Tyler had on the stove and that was my breakfast. I'm serious. I actually ate in three stages on Thursday.

Work was ... interesting, I suppose. It felt really weird not clocking in. I still wonder why Ralph said that he's pay me in cash instead of letting me clock in. It doesn't make any sense to me, unless it has to do something with overtime or something. But I don't think I've been there enough this week to even think of that. Although, after taking up Thursday, I am working six days this week. Closed Tuesday, closing Saturday and Sunday. And apparently I don't know how to get out of the shop any time before nine anymore. We've hit our winter crowds. We have long, hard rushes. Although usually it's busy as shit on the weekends and deader than hell during the week. Every day this week felt like a weekend. Which is probably partially the reason I kind of went off about Erich on Tuesday. They won't let me live that down at work now.

Scott decided to stick around and help us out. Which blew me away, because he's Scott. He's the guy that sits in the office and plays on his phone all day, taking the occasional delivery, but otherwise does nothing else. Oh, but he does love to criticize the way to we do our jobs. Almost as bad as Amy. No, I take that back. Worse than Amy. Man, y'know, even Wes is afraid to turn on Amy at all. That day I almost snapped and just barely kept from starting a shout match with her ... I would have been fired from that place in a heartbeat. I was furious that day. The customers almost made me cry, and then Amy couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut ... I almost lost it that day. Ugh.

Unfortunately, Scott didn't hold back on his criticism on Thursday. But, it wasn't me he was yelling at, and it wasn't Jazmin. We're his favorite people to pick on. Especially Jazmin, the poor girl. No, yesterday it was Abbi. He wouldn't leave her alone. Every couple minutes he'd leave my side - since he was saucing and cheesing and I was topping - and tell Abbi that she was doing her job incorrectly. But I'm pretty sure we all know that she was doing well. It's hard to majorly fuck up on cut table. I take that back. It can be pretty easy. But it's either you fuck up, or things go well. There's hardly an in-between. That didn't hold back Scott. He nit picked Abbi until I saw that she was on the edge. I kept looking back from my post, catching glimpses of her visage, and I wish I could have done something. But Scott's another one of those people that you can't stand up to or you're fired. Hell, he said if he had it his way, he'd fire us all for breathing. Then he mentioned something about carbon monoxide, and I took that as a chance to gain all of his attention, even if I was being an ass. Which meant I got some smack right back from him. But I could handle it because it was all in ... fun? Um ... It wasn't like it was personal or anything.

Throughout the night, I couldn't keep my eyes away from Abbi. She was defeated and it hurt me to see her like that. At one point, I dunno what I was doing away from my post, but I grabbed her on my way to the front make line and her way back to the cut table, and I just hugged her. The hug couldn't last long, especially since there were a few people in carry-out, but it was the least I could do. Later, I turned around, caught her eye, and mouthed at her, asking if she was okay. The response I got back wasn't particularly heartening, but what could I do? We each had our jobs to do, and Scott would chew my ass if I let it drop even for a second.

Dear, I felt so bad that night, just for Abbi.

Oh, so  you know what I do? I act extra cheerful. I don't know where the hell this coping mechanism came from. I don't know how it works so well now when it's never worked before. But I was extremely bouncy, especially silly, and I blathered on about nonsense all night. My phrase all night was that I was done and I couldn't handle the place anymore, which was rather true, but my outer attitude suggested otherwise. I don't know how I do that. I seriously, really don't. I'm afraid it's going to backfire on me. It's happened before.

I think I need a couple days to myself. No family interference unless I go up there and ask for it. No work. No friends. No nothing. Just hole myself in my room and do absolutely nothing. It's been a while since I've really had that. I'll ignore my phone, apologize to Abbi and Wes because they're really the only people I've been texting lately, and just seclude myself for a couple days. Which means I need a couple days off. Which I know isn't going to happen in the next couple weeks. Yes, I know this.

By the end of the night, after I had finished my things, I simply waited for Abbi to finish hers. She was moving a little slow with her bread sticks, and I totally understand that. I've been doing the same thing lately. Which is why Erich bitched at me on Monday. She also took a while with cleaning the drivers' bags, but holy shit there's a lot of them. Apparently cleaning those is a part of the cut table's cleaning job now. That list is getting treacherous now. It used to be annoying, but now it's awful. I don't particularly enjoy the front make line's cleaning list, but I knock it out quickly once I move everything aside. That's not even possible with the cut table now. Not that I really ever work cut table except for on Friday, and I never end up cleaning that station anyway.

I told Abbi that I was taking her home Thursday night, and I thought I made it abundantly clear. But I walked out the door when all I think she had to do was clock out, and I stood by my car for a little. I kept glancing in the direction of the door, but I didn't see her. So, since my car was kind of far away from the door, and it was the only one in the lot because Matt was on a delivery, I started up the Milan and drove up to the door. And parked there, idling. I saw Abbi look out the door for a split second, and I thought she'd join me in a heartbeat, but she never did. I had to go inside and ask her if I was still taking her home. She thought I had left her. She actually thought I'd do that.

Ohmydear.

Oh, because this just jumped into my mind.

I got to take a delivery Thursday night. Matt informed me that I wouldn't be getting any tip, because a couple pizzas had been misboxed and I was taking the person the correct pizza. It wasn't technically a delivery order at all. I was just fixing things. And, because both Matt and Jake were gone, and I was the only one left in the building that could drive, I ended up taking it when it came out. No one ever fully explained where the damned road was. It's also in a subdivision, which means that I'm not too familiar with the layout of the place. Thankfully, Wes's simple explanation was enough. The house was almost at the very end of the road. And I couldn't read the address at all. I fucking hate when the only address I can find is the one displayed in tiny ass fucking letters on the mailbox. And context clues, since the only other house further down the road was a couple numbers higher than the one I was looking for. And I didn't get a tip, but I don't care. I got out of the store for a wee bit. It's a nice feeling, okay? It's a little break from the crap that goes on there. Seriously, it's my home away from home, but even family gets on your nerves every now and again.

It was also so fucking warm that I didn't need to wear my coat. And I get cold very easily. Although this winter I've given up on keeping myself warm so I've gotten used to the perpetual freezing fingers and slight cold feeling I get. It's painful. Especially when you have wounds on your fingers, I suppose. Though I'm just finding this out tonight because I just now only have a wound noteworthy enough to be cold sensitive. Go figure.

I didn't stay long at Abbi's after work. Once again, we took an extremely long way to her house, because I was hoping Tractor Supply would be open - which it was not - and went all the way down to Wagner to Huron River to get Abbi home afterwards. It was late, and I knew she had school, but I also knew she wouldn't go to bed until late anyway. She's like me in that sense. I didn't stay long, though. I helped her pick out a present for her secret santa buddy for school, in which the theme was the apocalypse, and I explained a chemistry concept to her (apparently now I find net ionic equations amusing). But I made my curfew 10:30 and I more or less stuck by it. And then left her house, cranked up my stereo, and took the long way home.

They're erecting this huge poles around town. No, not town. Outside of town. The first once I noticed was on Island Lake, but I'm pretty sure they put one up on North Territorial, Lima Center, and are putting another one up on Island Lake and one on Beech. I don't understand the point of these poles. I asked Matt about them on Tuesday when he was mopping and he said he didn't know what I was talking about. They are still relatively new, after all.

I didn't go to bed until two, which is when I forced myself to bed. I knew I had to wake up early for a dentist appointment. Which my mom drove to, since she had one as well. I took my book, since it's due right after Christmas and I didn't want to be waiting around doing nothing forever. The first few miles, my mom explained how to drive in the winter. I ... know.... Maybe there wasn't any snow last year, but the roads were still slushy in the mornings and kinda awful. And I really love my side roads, which are always worse than main roads. So ... I know. I know my car, okay?

Even though my appointment was first, they called my mom in first. I got quite a few pages into my book. And then they called me. And, while I waited between the doctor arriving and my gums being numbed, I read my book. He numbed the whole side of my face, damn it. It reached my eye and it felt weird to blink. And I could only feel half my tongue. So, while my mom and I were on our way to Costco, I was touching my face and playing with my tongue and at one point I said my tongue was going in circles and I didn't know how to stop it and it was doing weird things. It seriously was. I couldn't stop it. But I already said that.

I've reached the point in this journal where I know I still have a lot to say but I just want to go to bed.

It's 4:30 in the fucking morning, after all.

I don't want to say goodbye to my family when they leave me home all alone. Thank the fucking Air, damnit.

So I followed her around Costco, couldn't figure out how to eat some of the samples they give out there, and then it was to the checkout. Which, the cashier had nice arms. And, after my mom and I were off, I told my mom that. She asked me if I was checking out the guy that checked us out. Yes! He had nice arms! And I ran into Em, whom apparently was trying to death stare me dead. I dunno what's up with that.

We got home, and I immediately was out the door again. It took me a while to clean off the Milan, since the snow was fucking accumulating like fuck, and then I was gone. I went to work first. Ralph seemed a little short with me, but that could just be because all I wanted was my check and then to be out of there. So I got my check, which is now broken down between manager hours and general hours, and I got just over $100 for solely that one weekend I managed. Which was one third my paycheck. Though, now I think about it, I did get over eight hours of work on Saturday.

Then I went to the bank. The guy that usually cashes my checks wasn't in the building at all. I was kind of disappointed. He always takes care of me.

Then I took the long way to Tractor Supply, because I forgot that Dan Hoey existed. If I remembered that, I wouldn't have taken the long way. I got stuck behind someone that was too afraid to go the speed limit. But we live in Michigan, man. We drive 100 miles per hour down the expressway in two feet of snow.

That's a hyperbola, by the way. The literary sense, not the mathematical definition.

Well, that's an interesting image.

Wait, I just realized. It's hyperbole, not hyperbola. There is a differentiation. Oh. Okay.

My bad.

So, I grabbed the 30x36 drop pan, only payed $21 for it, and then I was on my way home. I ate a taco, despite the fact that I still couldn't feel my face. I think I chewed my tongue more than the little slice of apple I had. I took care of Puddin's old drop pan and now my room's all shiny. I figured out where Wes lived, and then I was on my way to work.

Oh, I wrapped a present in there somewhere. I dunno when.

Well, because Galya quit, I didn't have anyone coming in at 4 with me. Nate doesn't count. Because reasons. He was idling in the parking lot when I pulled in. For some reason, his windows were mostly down. It was cold as fuck today. I waved to him as I got out of my car, got a curt wave in reply until he looked away again. So it's going like this now. I really don't understand this guy. The more and more I think about it, I don't think he likes me. At all. I think I've pushed him to the point where he just tolerates me because he's a nice guy. Sarcastic, but nice.

Somehow, me, Wes, and Ralph managed to keep things under control until reinforcements showed up. Actually, it wasn't that bad at all until everyone showed up at five. That's when we got slammed, and we stayed slammed until 7:30.

I started off as cut table. I cut pizzas. I topped boxes. I did everything correctly. But, on top of Galya quitting, apparently John was in the ER. I have absolutely no idea why. So we were two people short. Ralph called in Amy, and once Amy showed up, she took over Ben's position on the phones. Ben was bumped over to cut table (and didn't box top), and I was moved up to help Wes with topping. Wes and I rocked the front make line. There was hardly a time at all when we weren't backed up because we were faster than the oven. Only when I was pulled away to help Sarah and Amy with the phones, leaving Wes alone to sauce, cheese, and top, did Wes do more falling behind than doing too well with keeping up. Oh, I had to make a tub of sauce, too, because we ran out of sauce.

Overall, it was a pleasant day. A little before seven, Zach showed up. I was helping Jazmin at the back make line at that point, since she had fallen a little behind (because Wes and I rocked too hard), and offered his help. I have absolutely no idea what he did to help, but I said he could help Jazmin out and I helped Wes again. I turned around at 7:10 and asked him if that still applied, but we were still too busy for me to actually get a hug. He did give me a nice, friendly hug before he left with Bernie a little over an hour later. Good golly, I miss Zach so much already.

I didn't get out before nine, like I wanted. I told Wes this, laughing about it, and he said that he was sorry. He apologized because he couldn't get me out before nine. It was because I was moving slowly (and had to hunt down the stuff I needed to fill up the front, since Jake and Matt managed to move everything in our storage hallway to the conference room) and slacked for maybe a total of ten minutes that I didn't get out at the time I wanted. Wes kept teasing me all night, saying that I offended him and that I needed to close for him now. Very seriously, I turned to him and said that wasn't funny at all.

Ralph asked me if Erich and I ever got the second order out for the basketball team on Tuesday. I felt awful telling him that it was forgotten, and having to explain things as truthfully as I could without completely bashing me and Erich at the same time. There really shouldn't have been a way. I know I had to divert my eyes and take his words of punishment. There wasn't a way around it. I fucked up. Technically, so did Erich, but I put these failures on me. I remember to do these things. It was my fault as much as Erich's. Our strife should not have gotten in the way.

I'm honestly glad I don't work with him next week.

Ralph handed out bonuses to us today. Each and every one of us. Including Zach. $50. So I have a little too much money in my wallet right now. Like, enough that it's kind of scary to be carrying that much cash. If I would have known I was getting a Christmas bonus, I would have deposited all of my check into my checking account. I have just under $300 in there right now, which I know isn't going to last very long. It never does. I've made $5k this year so far, and I still live paycheck by paycheck.

The more money you make, the more money you spend. It's an honest fact.

When I finally did get off work, no one else was in the parking lot. Again. Nate was off on a delivery and I have no fucking idea where Jake was. I swear I left before him. I did. What the hell?

Anyway, I changed into nicer clothes in the parking lot, and then went off to find Wes's apartment. It really wasn't that hard to find at all. We didn't do much. We watched a few episodes of Firefly, and he got to see "War Stories," which is my favorite episode. We watched an episode of Doctor Who. He made food, we snuggled, and yeah. He so fucking warm I'm jealous. Because I'm incapable of being warm on my own. Even in the middle of fucking summer, I can still manage to be cold. I swear to ... my dear Air? I dunno.

Oh yeah, silly me. I was saying out loud to the Air that it could be all snowy. Not for me - I couldn't care less. But for those people that actually care about a white Christmas and shit. I fucking regret doing that. The Air blew fucking hard and cold today. That ain't fun.

Anyway, before it hits five, I better wrap this journal up.

The only reason I can't wait for work tomorrow is to see what the floors look like. Well, and see Abbi, despite the fact that it's impossible for me to pull together everything I wanted to pull together in time. Abbi's a given, okay? She's a mood brightener any day, even if she's glum. Being around her makes me put on a better mood face, and that kind of helps sometimes. Yeah, but anyway, Ralph is stripping all of the wax off the floors at work tonight and putting a new layer of wax down. I can't wait to see what the floors look like tomorrow. Shiny, I hope.

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