I'm Confused Again

I haven't typed up my last journal yet. There's a lot in there that I don't really know if it should exist outside of my little world yet. I think I was a little depressed whilst writing it, too. The week was pretty low for me. Things are better now, for sure, but there's still something right there, that if I think about it a little at all, it just sucks me right back down again.

I didn't actually finish my last journal, and it'll stay that way, but I'll more or less continue where it left off. I'll skip Wednesday, because there's nothing noteworthy of that day, unless ... well.

What am I talking about? I don't know how I didn't fall apart on Wednesday.

I have school all day Wednesday. From eleven to nine at night. I have a three or four hour break between two of my classes, and I pretty much spent most of that time sitting in a hallway across from the math department offices. I hung out with Cara and Amber before I went off to my English class at an early ass time.

Beforehand, though, I went to my calculus class. We went over problems that didn't involve integration, and Furious said that "This is one of the few times I can't say it's an integral problem." Speaking of Furious, I need to finish up the lines for Iron Man, do a quick coloring job in Photoshop, print it off, and give it to him. I'll tell him it's a belated birthday present or something. We were talking about his birthday during the last class for some reason. I got my test back at the end of the hour, got 90% on it, and I felt pretty good about it. That problem that I couldn't figure out how to show my work on it at all didn't have a single mark on it. It was when I had to find the surface area of a polar equation that I coughed up. And apparently I got everything wrong about that hyperbola wrong, too. But I still got extra credit from it. I don't know what happened there. With the three major tests, though, I averaged a C. Which, I guess, is to be expected, since I failed the second test. That makes me secure in knowing that I'm getting credit for this class, though. Furious had to retake it because he got a C-. I know I did completely well in the rest of the class, and I feel confident in the fact that I'll do well on the final exam ... next week? Next Wednesday? Oh dear. Believe me, I'll be studying my ass off and memorizing those half/double angle formulas. As well as all the polar and parametric related stuff. I think I'll be writing stuff down in some random places just in case my brain decides to fuck up. As well as the answer to the integration of secant cubed. Which isn't straight.

Yeah, so, while I was hanging out with Cara and Amber, though, I texted Jeff again. I mentioned in my last journal that I didn't know what to think. Well, now I do. I asked him if he was alright, because he hadn't answered my previous texts, and he answered immediately. He told me he didn't get them. I never know if he's lying about that or not. That was two texts he missed completely, and it seems a bit off to me. But then he told me that he thinks he only has platonic feelings toward me. Then asked me if that was alright with me. I thanked him for his honesty, told him it was completely fine, but we haven't ... talked ... since. It was a pain in the ass to find time to get together in the first place, and while I really like him, I don't think a continued friendship with him is possible.

The thing is, I couldn't really bring myself to feel sad. I felt apathetic about the whole thing. I kind of just made myself numb. I thought about it, but I didn't allow myself to feel crushed. But I certainly wasn't happy.

So I went off to class almost an hour early. I brought my laptop to school with me, so I was watching Doctor Who in the classroom before anyone else was there. I went out to buy a Vernors from the pop machine down a couple hallways, and when I came back, Autumn had set up beside me. So I didn't get any further in the Doctor Who episode. We chatted for a while, about class, about our jobs, and then the professor walked in. I got my essay back, found I got 100%, and then we proceeded with class. Which was boring as hell. I didn't participate at all. I was writing something on my laptop that had absolutely no relation to class. And then we got let out over an hour early.

I was talking with Autumn again when we walked down the flights of stairs and then into the parking lot. Another guy in the class - I think his name is Cameron - plunked himself into our conversation, and when Autumn left in a different direction to her car, Cameron and I continued talking. I kind of wish we had more time to talk. He was a pretty nice guy. And he snowboards, so Olivia would approve. :) I only get one more class with this guy, though. So if we talk again, maybe I'll give him my phone number? Or something. I dunno.

Even now, when I'm feeling well, I feel so very lonely. I have Olivia and Abbi. That much is true. They're the closest people to me ever. It's scary how much they know about me. Both of them. But ... I dunno. There's always a part of me that I can't find. And I thought I had it all figured out before, and Abbi helped tremendously, but now there's something else I need to learn about myself. I don't know what it is, but I'll feel lonely in the meantime. Not that I have enough time in my life that I should feel lonely. I'm so busy. But at the same time I'm not.

Yeah, so I dunno what I was thinking when I said that Wednesday was unimportant.

On Thursday, after I was done with class, I went to the computer commons, quickly fixed up my Writing Center assignment, printed it off, and got it checked off. Every single person I meet in the English world absolutely loves my writing. Apparently I'm a good writer. Maybe you couldn't glean it from my journals, since they're so informal, but according to my professor, I have a very good academic voice. I know I can write well, but good golly, it makes it hard to learn. Is there anything else to learn? I don't even know. How far can one go when it comes to writing?

Before I picked up Abbi from school, I hit the bank and transferred most of my funds in my savings to my checking account. I think I have less than $200 in my savings now. I need to come up with at least another $1k before the next semester. I think I can put away at least $150 each paycheck, but that's still only $300 a month. Three months, that's $900. Nate makes at least $400 a paycheck, though. If I'm going to manage, maybe I'll be on par with what he makes?

Good golly, I should not know this much about my workmates. I pretty much know what size pants Owen and Nate wear. I know what cologne and aftershave Nate, Owen, and Ben all wear. I know so many random, intimate facts about most of these guys. It's weird.

After I picked her up and brought her home, I figured out the plane ticket to Colorado Springs was a bit more than I bargained for, so I'm left with enough money for gas next week. Nothing else. I need to find hay for my rabbits before no one has any left or the price gets jacked up out of my ability to pay. I still need to eat, but that's not looking bright. Whatever, though. I get paid next week. :/ I can do a week without eating. Although, I figured out, I've lost over ten pounds of weight since college started. And I was just barely a good weight to begin with. I'm skinnier than hell, and for a couple weeks there, I saw way too many bones way too sharply. It kind of scared me. But I wasn't that hungry. I could live with it rather well.

We watched Flashpoint, though. She enjoyed it. I was shocked at some of the things I didn't pick up on the first time around. Like, the lack of Spike's jovial personality. Like, just how much of a rookie Sam was. Like, how friendly Ed was. Like, how Jules had a boyfriend. Like, how strongly Sam came onto Jules. Just these little things. The friendship between Lou and Spike is hardly there. I know it gets built up, because when ... later, it impacts Spike so much. He screamed. These actors are good, okay?

I took Abbi home relatively early because she had homework to do. Honestly, I should have done my homework as well, but I said fuck it. I'm still saying fuck it, when my homework is due in seventeen hours. My psychology book is due on the 4th, so I need to extend my rent for that. I need it for the final exam. I know it. Maybe I should just buy this book. Psychology intrigues me.

I was chatting with a guy until two in the morning Thursday night, and we could have chatted longer, but I knew I had an early morning ahead of me. And my mom accentuated that by waking me up even earlier than I told her to. I should have stuck with the alarm. Good golly, I hate alarms, though.

Then again, there's a lot of things I hate.

I had a dentist appointment. After not visiting the dentist in two years, I did well. Two of my fillings from before (out of three) fell out or something, and a tooth the dentists have been watching for years got a tiny, baby cavity. So that all needs to be fixed. I think it's a whole bunch of bullshit. Seriously, a lot of non-mandatory medical stuff is. In my opinion. A lot of people would beg to differ.

I set things up so that I could come home and take a nap, but I made myself busy until I had to work. I hung out with my rabbits for longer than usual, but other than that, I don't remember what I did.

Friday at work was ... I dunno. I worked cut table, because I had proved to Wes that I could do really well on cut table after Halloween. Sarah and Ben did phones. Which is fine by me, since I hate dealing with customers. I can do it, but that doesn't mean that I don't like it. Galya and Jazmin were in the back.

I was in a pretty good mood for the beginning. I had a different song pop into my head every minute, it seemed, and I was kind of dancing along to the music. At one point, I swear Matt was singing the Macarena before he left on a delivery, so Galya and I were dancing that. Things were going well. I think Jazmin and Nate thought Galya and I were going insane, but that's okay. What's new, after all?

Then, later, Galya asked how things were going between me and Jeff. My mood immediately sobered. I told her things weren't going so well. Didn't explain a whole lot. She doesn't need to know. And, I think beforehand, she was still flirting with Nate. I told her to stop a while ago. I told her I didn't like the way they interacted. She absolutely knew the way I felt about him. But she still hasn't listened. And I still don't know if she bugs him more than not, either. He smiles and sticks around to the end of their conversations, but when she leaves, he says that she scares him sometimes. That she makes him angry. That she bugs him. Makes me wonder what he thinks about me, too. I still like him. I hate it.

My mood was stuck like that for a while. I got one song stuck in my head, I only did my job, and things weren't as happy as they were. After things slowed down and people started leaving, my mood picked up again, but I wasn't bouncy anymore.

I closed with Wes and Nate that night. Wes was showing me how to do the closing manager paper work. But good golly, that was a busy night. For Wes and Nate, at least.

Near the end of the night, we kind of got a mini-slam with deliveries. Just deliveries, too. Poor Jake got stuck driving until close. Him and Nate were constantly in and out for the last hour, taking deliveries. Nate didn't have time to do his dishes. While Nate was out on one run, Wes had me break down the front and clean everything up up there. He made me sweep and mop the carry-out area. Wes did dishes for Nate while he was gone in the meantime.

See now, Wes has this wart on his finger. It's been there a while, and lately he's been trying to get rid of it. He covers it up with a band-aide and puts a glove on over top that. The dishwater still got to his band-aides and completely destroyed any protection they offered his wound. He stood over a garbage can, unwinding the gauze from around his fingers, and when he got near the end, his finger was dripping blood. I commented on it, saying how that wasn't right, but Wes was adamant about the wound only being a nick. At some point, Nate came out from Wes's office while counting his money just to see how badly Wes was bleeding. Once Wes had his finger completely unwound, he tried staunching the bleeding with a paper towel and wrapped another band-aide around his finger. It didn't hold. He wrapped another band-aide around the first one. The bleeding was still too heavy for the stickiness to do anything. So he wrapped his finger in tape. He continued to struggle with his finger for a while. Nate came out of Wes's office again and said that he think he counted his money wrong; he apparently made somewhere in the vicinity of $170. Even for a busy Friday, that ain't right. Wes said he'd count the money again, but he had to get the bleeding under control. He gave up on the two band-aides eventually and just peeled them to the floor. He paced the building a bit, leaving a trail of dripping blood. He made it to the sink, held his finger under running water, until most of the bleeding stopped. He did eventually get things under control. And then he counted Nate's money. It wasn't right, but we couldn't figure out why. Until Wes was going through the checks and noticed a couple checks he had on his desk were sucked up in Nate's pile of checks. We laughed about it. Nate still did well. Made $74. I had to enter in the credit card tips Nate got. He made a $10 tip, man. It was a big order, apparently, but jeez.

Jake came in a while later, and while I have no idea what he made, he had problems with counting his money as well. He was missing a credit card slip. We figured things out, though. I don't actually remember Jake leaving.

Once Wes had the drivers' money straightened out, he got to showing me how to make wraps and count the till. When he finished that, he said that I could leave. It was quarter to midnight when I left the shop, I said bye to Wes, peeked my head around the corner and waved to Nate, and then left.

I met up with Olivia at my house a little after midnight. I ran over an opossum on my driveway, I put Isis and J together so that I could have bunnies for show next year, and all was good. Olivia and I stayed up talking until six in the morning, and we slept in until two.

Dana came into my room, announcing that she was here, and then noticed that there were two of us on my bed. XD She asked how many people were in my room. "Are there any boys in here?" I told her there were five people in my bedroom. Because I was still sorta sleeping.

Good golly, I want sleep. But I want to watch Doctor Who before I go to sleep, too. What do I have to do tomorrow? Nothing. I'm glad. Homework, but I can do that easily.

I went into work at four, like I usually do on Saturdays. Wes is so friendly towards me when it's just me and him. Nate's presence doesn't matter at all. Wes likes Nate, too. But, before anyone showed up, it was just me and him, and then Nate when he came back from a delivery. When I entered the building, I asked him what was going on and why there were so many people walking the streets. A customer came in while Nate was out, asked the same thing. We saw a slutty girl walk by in a mini-skirt dressed up like Santa, and Wes and I just stared after her until we couldn't see her anymore. Our comments weren't exactly nice. And then, when Nate walked in again, he asked the exact same question. I thought it was rather funny.

Nate and Wes got into some weird conversations, though. I was topping one pizza, and I asked why the ham was so slimy. It's usually ... wet, but not slimy. It wasn't a bad slimy, but it was different. Wes immediately turned around to Nate and asked him if he jizzed in the ham. He acted abashed  and asked if that wasn't part of his prep. "Sweep and mop, jizz in the ham." That conversation even degenerated further, and all I could do was stand at the other side of the cut table while Nate cut pizzas coming out of the oven, and laughing at what him and Wes were saying. Nate kept looking in my direction, and I think he was surprised that I was finding it funny rather than any other reaction I could be having. He commented about it, too, I think. I told him that I was used to it, and I contributed to those awkward conversations enough. He asked me for an example. The only one I could think about was when I barged in on Kevin's and Zach's conversation about Kevin covering for Zach, and that for payment, Zach could give Kevin a handy. For some reason, they really found that a hoot. I said to Nate, though, that I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head, and that the one I could wasn't easy to explain. He didn't persist.

He's been so friendly towards me lately. I told Galya this one night, and she said that he's always friendly to me. Then she said I was looking too far into things. She doesn't get it, though. Sure, Nate's nice, but he's usually extremely sarcastic to me. I don't think she understands how sarcastic he can be. I don't think most people at Classic knows of his sarcasm. She may be right that I'm trying to look for answers where they don't exist, but I can't figure this guy out. I may know more about him, and more about his personality, but I can't figure him out well enough to understand him like I do Zach or Jake.

About twenty minutes to five, things got really busy. Nate was helping Wes and me out for a while, but eventually he had to take a delivery. We got slammed on the phones, so Wes and I took care of a couple, but eventually I had to take care of the tickets building up in the back. Wes took care of the phones and slapped and topped pizzas. I left the things on the oven until they started backing up. Otherwise, I knocked out the tickets. Which got harder when I had three subs to do. The Italian subs are easy enough. I have those memorized. They put me back on time, but I worked bread sticks around them easily. Zach and Galya pretty much walked in at the same time, and I delegated the things for the back quickly so that I could help Wes out. Things stayed busy for a long time. Erich, Matt, and Owen called, saying they'd be late because they could hardly make it out of their driveways. Whatever they were doing in town, which raised questions from me and Nate, were making it impossible for them to get to work. When it usually takes them maybe two minutes to get to work.

I got to work with Zach for the first time in a while. He was working cut table, which is typical. I barely made seven ten. I knew my phone vibrated, but I usually just switch that off without thinking. It wasn't until I glanced in his direction and deciphered his look in my direction that I realized it was seven ten. He said he was going to run, but he didn't think I was paying attention. I got my hug.

Wes, Abbi, and I got in a huge mock fight. I went into the walk-in to grab something, and when I came back, Abbi said something about her getting hit with a dough tray again. Apparently, while I was grabbing - I think it was bacon - something from the walk-in, Wes attacked her. So, for the rest of his time there, every time he touched her, I jumped at him. At one point, I did try poking him and we got into, like, a cat fight. Until he pushed me away and told me I had pizzas to top. Which was a lie, since Erich was cheesing the pizza and it was only a cheese pizza. I did poke Wes later, though. And Abbi slapped Wes a while later, when (I guess) he said something about me not having friends. I'm a loner by default, though. Besides, worst comes the worst, Zach and I are still friendless together. Kevin was lumped in our little group there for a bit. Even though this is only me keeping track of this. Zach doesn't give a flying shit. Everything, at the end of the day, is out of good fun there.

Erich let me go early tonight, since Dana was over. I got my prep done, I did my cleaning, and I left by quarter after nine. Yes, that's early. Which is kind of sad. I got five hours of work, though. Which is cool. As opposed to the almost eight hours on Friday. I think I was ten minutes or so away from eight hours when I clocked. This next paycheck would be wonderful, but I only work four days this week and I think four next week as well. I dunno when I get paid for yesterday, though. Next paycheck or the paycheck after that?

When I got home, we played games. Which is cool. I miss just playing board games. I kind of want to find someone to play Monopoly with until the end. That, or go to the Vault, buy a long role play game, and play that. No, I don't kind of want that. I really want that. I don't know why. I just do.

I brought J into the house after I took Daysie out to pee. He's a little teddy bear. He'll just snuggle up and barely struggle at all when you shift his position dramatically. As in, pick him up with two hands instead of cradle him or let him snuggle up to your neck. He peed on me, though. Didn't give me any warning. So, that wasn't cool. It's been a while since a rabbit has peed on me.

And now we are to now. And Puddin has been spazzing out the past couple hours while I've been writing this journal, and she's been clawing and biting at the bars of her cage. I don't know why. But it's annoying.

So now I will watch Doctor Who, maybe write a little more for Fallen Apart, and hit the hay. Figuratively. Damn, that's an old saying. Who would sleep in hay, anyway? Hay's scratchy and not good sleeping material at all. It's a lot more pokey than straw.

I still can't get over the fact that the Dexter Mill tried to sell me straw instead of hay. Those people. I still wonder if they were trying to con me, or if that guy just didn't know the difference between straw and hay. I grew up with the stuff.

So, song of the day was the song I had stuck in my head after Galya's flirting with Nate and then the bringing up of Jeff. It lasted a while.

SONG OF THE DAY: Hand in my Picket ~ Alanis Morisette