She Will be Loved

I don't know whether it was the energy drink or if I just don't know how to crash properly, but I was up until 4:30 in the morning Sunday morning/Saturday night. I kept remembering things I didn't do when closing at work, though thankfully I wasn't too hard on myself. Just before I went to bed - actually, after I crawled into bed - I finally realized what I did wrong when counting the money. Why I was thirty dollars short.

I jumped straight out of bed, grabbed my phone, and immediately texted Nate. I told him exactly what I thought it was. He texted me about two on Sunday and finally told me I was right. Y'know what it was? I forgot one of the drivers banks. Or I just put in $40 for the opening till and the drivers banks instead of the $70 that it was supposed to be. Nate didn't catch that while I was trying to figure things out. It's not like he was trained in this sort of stuff, though. He's just a driver that knows how to do everything inside except for slapping out a skin.

So I walked into work on Sunday, at the time I was supposed to, and Wes told me he went through nearly everything before he figured out what I did wrong. I guess that's the point where Nate texted me and told me I was right. Wes said that Nate must have ignored my text or something. Yeah, that made me feel wonderful.  If he would have read my text, it probably would have saved Wes a whole lot of time. Plus, that also tells me that there isn't much between me and Nate, either. I'm more along the lines of an acquaintance than a friend. That's just what I want to find out.

I actually did wake up about eleven on Sunday. Puddin, apparently, gets a little feisty when she isn't fed in the morning morning, because I always fed her before noon with school. Now I'm not, because I'm trying to sleep. I'm quickly becoming accustomed to sleeping with my pillow over my head rather than supporting my neck. My pillow is constructed for support, not for muffling sounds overzealous rabbits make. I didn't get up until about one, though. I just didn't want to. I already figured out what I did wrong, so I didn't need to go into the shop, sit in the same spot I sat in when I was high thanks to Kevin, and mull through my mistake with Wes.

It took me a while, but I finally convinced myself to watch the Inside Out video for my Psychology class. I watched most of the video, came across all the parts that contained answers for the questions, and I had no idea how to answer any of them. I bullshitted my answer, completely making it up. I know I'm good at bullshitting, but still, it's annoying as hell.

I then moved on to taking my multiple choice test. I clicked on the "Begin" button and my Internet froze or something. It tried loading for quite a while. Eventually, I decided that it wouldn't work, I backtracked and logged onto Blackboard again ... and it said that I already took the test. Even though I didn't get past the point where it was asking me to initiate the test. Once again, I failed a test due to technology. I've only failed two tests due to incompetence, and both of those were in calculus classes. I knew I didn't have time to contact the instructor, either. I kind of just gave up.

Before I moved onto my essay test, I jumped onto my Facebook page and saw that Nicole was on. So, naturally, I started chatting with her. We talked until I told her that I had to go and write my essay, since it was four and I had work at five. It was nice catching up with her, though. Apparently she got the job at the pizzeria by Grandma's and has been working there since September. They don't deliver, though, and they have an off season. I find that weird, but that's just because our shop is rather popular.

I bullshitted through most of my essay test. I completely pulled nonsense out of my ass for the last question. I barely knew what I was talking about. The only good thing is that I used a lot of big, academic words. I was proud of myself for using my vocabulary. It's been a while since I've been able to do that. That's about the only thing that makes up for my failed attempt. I only took a little over half an hour to write all the responses. My other two essay tests took me at least forty-five minutes. I'm a little afraid to figure out how poorly I did. I would very much like to get an A in this class. Not just because Nate's going to be an ass if he finds out I didn't get an A in an easy class such as this. Because I know I got a B in my Calculus and Chemistry classes. I need at least one more A. Not another B.

Then it was off to work. Throughout the night, Wes and I kept randomly bringing up mistakes I made during my first night closing. Apparently I missed a time order for the night, despite having me look through our time order slot. Nate was right there beside me, so he backed me up even though I wasn't there to defend myself at first.. Wes said I did well overall, though. He's been so nice to me lately. Maybe it's just because I know to look past his bitterness. I dunno.

Around eight, Wes said that he was finally going home. He let Nate go around six or seven, which is rather late for a Sunday. We were actually kinda busy. We were steadily making pizzas throughout most of the night. Thankfully, Wes got most of everything prepped for the front for me before I walked in, so I didn't have to worry about that. It was nice, but at the same time it felt a little absurd for Wes to be doing that for me. Oh well.

Eventually it was just me and John. John pulled out his little music player, and since he knows I listen to OTEP, he set it to some heavy metal. While I was sweeping and mopping the front area, I was actually kind of jamming along to it. Once I got all my cleaning done, though, it was off to counting money.

I looked through my credit card receipts, which is mandatory because some people (Sarah) don't put aside their tip money on a credit card receipt, and noticed that one of them for a driver had the item number ripped off. I didn't know what to do. Changing a credit card to account for a tip is easy ... provided you have an item number. So, I quickly picked up the phone and called up Wes. Once again, he was plastered. He walked me through it, though John and I had an interesting time trying to figure out how to turn off his music for a moment, and it almost felt like a huge waste of time for hardly anything at all. I got about a two foot long strip of credit card receipt paper just to find one little number. Yeah.

John finished his work well before I finished counting my money. He popped in the door, told me he was leaving, and then I was all alone. It felt pretty weird. Nate stayed with me on Saturday because Wes told him that he had to, but obviously John didn't get the message. Hehe, it's not like I care. I like being alone.

I ended up a little over a dollar short, but that's okay. I blanked for a moment, and since I was still on the phone with Wes (due to a customer order that I was confused about, but he tried explaining earlier; it messed up my count at first), I asked him where the pouch went with the deposit. He laughed at me. But it really was a silly question. In the safe. Duh.

Once my money was counted, all I had to do was go through the check list. I went through everything, turned off all the lights and everything, and then went outside. I don't know how I realized, but almost as soon as I shut the door behind me, I knew that I forgot to clock out. So I walked around the building, pretty much, waiting for my one minute to be up before I went back inside. I punched my number back into the security system, quickly clocked out, and then punched my number into the security system again to lock it down again. As soon as I was outside again, I realized I forgot to shut the window. John had told me to do that before I left. Not quite wanting to shut the security system off again, I walked up to the window in question, snuck my hand underneath the screen, and closed the window with two fingers. I don't quite know what that says about our store.

I didn't go home, though. No. I went through the motions of going home, once I had the store sorted out. I drove down Island Lake to Lima Center, but before I reached Beach, AJ texted me and asked me if we were still hanging out that night. I told him of course, and asked him where to meet up. I didn't think that the date or whatever was still on. Well, after a little debate, I ended up meeting him in a hospital parking lot. He works night shifts at the hospital. All we did was drive around Grass Lake and that area. Until about three or four in the morning when I said I needed to go to bed. I watched an episode of Doctor Who before actually going to bed, but whatever.

Abbi texted me while I was out with AJ ... and she actually asked me for my help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I probably should have told AJ that I was sorry, but I needed to go and help my best friend. I just ended up staring at my phone, at the message, for a couple minutes, which kind of brought it to AJ's attention. I briefly explained what was going on, not going into any details, and then I told him I didn't know what to do. Hell, I told Abbi that. I felt completely worthless. What good was I if I couldn't even offer any words of comfort? Abbi never asks for help. She's as stubborn as I am. She's stronger than she thinks, too. When I got home, I texted her again, telling her that no matter what she did, I still loved her.

I did absolutely nothing until I had to go to work on Monday. I may have watched a little too much TV on my laptop. I don't even remember.

When I walked in, Ralph told me that I'd probably be helping Erich up front, but Ben was already up front topping. So I kind of settled in at the cut table, and told Ben that he'd be topping and prepping for up front. I really, really didn't want to work up front yesterday. I said I'd much rather take phones that top pizzas. So that's pretty much what I did.

I told Erich today that I took most of the phones, to which he replied that I do most of everything, and then I realized afterwards that Von probably took half of them as well. Especially after I started bread sticks. I silently apologized, not willing to let Erich know how much those little things I say bother me, but not wanting to put up with feeling that little thread of guilt.

Yeah, I'll get to that later, though.

I did bread sticks last night, too. I was sooooo slow on them at first, I think I only managed to do three in half an hour. Nate kept popping back there, bringing stuff back that he had cleaned, and I caught him up in conversation one of the last times he was back there. I wish I remembered what we were talking about. I don't remember right now, though. We didn't get very far, though, because Erich came back at bitched at me. He asked me how many bread stick trays I'd gotten done, to which I honestly replied, and he blew up. He said that I should have gotten a lot more done - which he isn't wrong - and that Ben would have been done already. He went on, and I forget how I reacted, but I did end up rolling a little faster. Still not to my full potential. I still texted Abbi throughout the whole time I was doing bread sticks.

We were talking about who the closing driver would have to be in order to build a box fort. It's on our bucket list, okay? Zach was supposed to be our man, but now that he's gone, we've been scrambling for an answer. It's pretty much just John, Nate, and Matt we get to chose from. I don't know how John would react to it. He's still kinda new there. But, I think Matt would be a better guy to do it with over Nate. Nate would most likely talk, which sounds weird as Matt doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut and Nate rarely talks at all. I do think Nate would bring it up around Wes, though, and we'd all get in trouble. I'm pretty sure we can trust Matt a little more. Besides, I think Matt would have more fun with it anyway.

I finished my bread sticks at a decent time, I guess. Maybe 9? I don't even remember. All I do remember is that I had to convince Erich to let John go when John asked to leave, despite Erich fighting me. Then I helped Erich with hit racks. After about the first hit rack, since I do most of the docking, my shoulder hurt so bad. It's that deep ache again. My whole shoulder, too. Along my clavicle, the scapula, down the humerous. It's just the whole deltoid muscle, I think, but it feels deeper than the muscle. Damn. Now that I'm talking about it, I feel it again and I'm not even doing anything. Erich took over slapping after that. We didn't finish the hit racks until after 10, which is when we close on Mondays. I quickly clocked out after finishing the hit rack, though. Erich got a little pissy at me again when he said that John could have been helping us, but I had Erich let him go. What the fuck? No, that's you're job dick face.

When I came back home, I ate absolutely way too many sugar cookies. I mean, a lot of sugar cookies. I also made myself noodles, had some butterscotch. Um, I got a glass of milk. Later in the night, I made some popcorn. Hardly any of it all healthy, but damn it tasted so good. I should make more noodles tonight.

Yeah, so I started off by watching Sherlock. I don't know whether or not I watched Doctor Who, but I know I finished off Flashpoint. I think I finished the last episode of the finale at around three. I ended up walking around outside, trying to get my mind off of the fact that Flashpoint is no longer, and the fact that it screwed with my emotions so much, and I ended up getting on the subject of work again. More specifically, Nate. I can't keep the guy out of my head. No matter how much I try. And now I'm convinced that I annoy him as much as Matt and Galya and that he won't ever tell me. Because that's not what Nate does. He'll tell nearly everyone but you that he dislikes you. That's what he did with Kevin. When him and Kevin were in that rough patch right around the time when Kevin got fired, Nate complained to me about how Kevin was annoying him with his incessant talking about how his life sucked and whatnot. I don't know why Nate couldn't tell his best friend that he needed to shut his trap. I guess I never did, but I never minded Kevin's stories, even if they got a little repetitive after a while.

Anyway, Flashpoint made me cry at least three different times throughout the two episodes. Once, when Sam was trying to diffuse the bomb under Spike's instructions, but ran out of time. Once, when Ed was searching frantically for his son and coming up with nothing. Once, when Greg was shot in the leg and in the lungs and Ed was screaming for a medic. I couldn't stop from actually sobbing after that. I cried right through the end. Spike and Winnie ended up together ... ohmydear. Spike finally found himself a nice girl.

Did I ever mention how much I love Sergio Di Zio, though? The guy who plays Spike? He's just ... adorable. Apparently there's a lot more to him that first meets the eye, too. Which definitely explains how well he acts when it comes to the various emotional points in his life as Spike. That guy went through so much, no one would even know. Turns out, Di Zio's forty, though. Over twice my age. Him and Jeremy Renner. I don't even know.

My mom came in my room this morning and told me I needed to wake up. I didn't. She just annoyed the hell out of me. Puddin was already doing a damn good job at that. I eventually did pull myself out of bed, took care of my rabbits and pretty much divided the rest of the hay bale between the four outside rabbits, and watched another episode of Doctor Who. I finally know who the Master is. Kind of. About a half hour before I had to be at work, I ventured upstairs and had myself a little mini lunch. I told my mom I already had plans for Wednesday and Thursday, to which she replied that I'd be staying at home and be doing the list of chores she's going to give me. Big fat fucking chance. I finally get myself a social life that I can keep up with, and my mom vetoes it. Well, it's not going to happen. The car may not be mine, but I pay for the fucking gas, I don't ask much of my parents, and I'm not going to let her say that I can't see Kyra for the first time in months and that I can't hang out with Wes Thursday night. I'll get my shit done, but she's not going to keep me from this. I'm a fucking adult now. I have a job, which does take up a lot of my time. I don't get to see my family much anymore. But I think I like it that way better. Generally, I enjoy being at work more than I enjoy being in the company of my family. I told Ralph that today, actually, and he snorted at it and said he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

I meant to ask Ralph what he was going to do about my school schedule next semester, but I never got around to it. We were a little busy today. I swear, it didn't even feel like a Tuesday. It felt like a Thursday or some weekend day. We started off with a buttload of time orders, and the monotony was actually nice. I sauced, I cheesed, I pepperoni'd. Over and over again. Erich eventually took over saucing and cheesing, which threw me off and slowed me down more than anything, but I didn't want to say anything.

Scott was being extremely nice to me today. He fetched ham and pepperoni for me when I started running out. Scott doesn't help around the store. It's kind of sad that I think him helping me out with a minimal duty is being extremely nice.

Oh, y'know, I was talking to Ben yesterday about how nice Wes has been towards me lately, and he said that it's probably because I'm a manager now. Wes is always a step nicer to the managers than just a worker. I think it's a little absurd, and that never really applied to Kevin, but then I think of Jake. Wes wouldn't be afraid of Jake. Everyone else, maybe, but not Wes. I dunno. Back to today.

Ralph, Scott, and Wes all had to leave, though. Which left me, Erich, Abbi, Jazmin, John, and Matt. We were short one person again. Which really is getting annoying now. I just realized - formally, at least - that no one ever did cleaning for the carry-out. At least, I wasn't aware of anyone cleaning up there. Then again, I was pretty fucking oblivious today.

Erich was in a bad mood. Again. It's normal for me to belt out my little string of swear words when the phone rings, but it's not like I'm angry. Just annoyed. Erich was fucking done with shit today. At one point, I thought he went outside to smoke, so I was talking to Abbi about his behavior lately. I mentioned that I was getting fed up with how he was treating us. Abbi said that he was taking his bad mood out on us. Like, I get where he's coming from. I've gotten pissed off at people at work before, but I usually apologize. It may take me a while, but I do. Erich gets angry at me when I get angry, and has called me childish and immature. I said that he was being a hypocrite about it. Seriously. He turns to me and yells at me for things. He expects me to stay and do shit that isn't even supposed to be a part of my job. I compared him to Kevin, saying that I ended up doing a lot of the work, but at least Kevin was happy about his pessimism. Like, he usually was in a good mood when he complained. His company was more pleasant. I probably mentioned quite a few other things.

A couple minutes later, Erich came out of the office. Livid. He turned to Abbi first. I have no idea why. But he confronted her about what we were saying. Although I think the first thing he brought up was something I said, not her. She froze. I didn't know what to say, either. Then he turned to me, and asked me just when he had wrongly gotten mad at me for something. Or something. I don't even remember. But I brought up the night he said he wouldn't let me delivery. "You're still mad about that?" he asked me. "You haven't let that go yet?" And so on. Yeah, I don't forget things like that easily. I told him that. That's the Libra in me. I thought his pressure unjust, and that'll stick with my impression about him forever.

Whatever the next thing Abbi and I talked about was, I immediately turned away from Erich, adjusted my mood to something way more happy than it needed to be, and completely ignored him. That's how I was for most of the night while Abbi was still there, at least. I was way too pippy, way too happy, way too smiley. I didn't feel like that. But I needed to push this aside.

"Maybe I should just leave," Erich told me. "You want to close? Apparently you don't even need me."

I told him whatever. Just do whatever you have to do. I'd close if I had to. And you know what? I ended up closing. I'd like to say I did a damn better job at getting all those little jobs done than he ever does, but I think that's just because Jazmin was there and was willing to lend a hand. She was there for our fight.

Not long after Abbi left, even though I really wanted to take her home, Nate showed up. I was taken aback. This was the second time he's showed up at the shop randomly. As far as I know, it's not something he does.

Earlier that day, or maybe late Monday night, I was trying to figure out if I'd ever seen him in shorts. I swear he wore shorts in the summer, but I couldn't remember. Well, he was wearing shorts today. With tall socks. I kind of really wanted to laugh. But no. That would be bad.

Nate hung around for a long while, too. Apparently he came in to give Erich some music - to transfer it onto his phone or something. I don't even know. Nate, Erich and Matt all got into political debate shit and I just stood in the middle of their triangle folding boxes. Silent. I hardly talked much until Erich left, when all the hit racks were finished. Then it was me, Matt, and Matt's friend Austin.

I got my shit done pretty quickly. I cleaned up the front, mopped and swept the carry-out area. I counted my money, asking Matt a couple stupid questions, and then I just sat around for over half an hour waiting for the fat fuck to get his shit done. We left the store about eleven thirty.

Scott called me about nine and asked if I was closing, or if Erich was. I had no idea who I was talking to for the longest time, but I answered all of his questions. I told him I didn't know, because at that point, I really didn't. So then Scott asked if I'd be there at nine thirty. I told him definitely. Well, I did end up closing. I don't think Wes knew about it. I don't think Ralph knew about it. Scott asked, but he didn't know either. I signed in as a general employee, though I'm going to talk to Wes tomorrow if I could get paid the $8 an hour instead because I closed. I dunno if it works that way.

Y'know, Wes came in today. After our fight - and I mean right after - we needed change from the safe. So I went in, because Erich told me that I could do it because didn't I know everything anyway, and I couldn't figure out how to open the safe. Erich must have closed it. Well, Erich couldn't do it either. So we called up Wes, and had Matt pick up Wes on his way back from a delivery. Wes had already shot down four beers by this time. He was. The most. Enjoyable person to be around. He was funny, he was completely nice, and he talked some sense into Erich. He pulled Erich outside for a good long while. Talked him out of quitting. I still closed, though.

As soon as I left the shop, I got the feeling that I didn't turn off the monitor I clocked out on. So I drove down Dexter-Pinkney, down North Territorial, to Mast, and back to the shop. No. I didn't miss it. I got to listen to my music, though. Which kind of gave me a headache, but at the same time kind of put me to sleep. Which is funny, because it's heavy metal.

Yeah, so I won't be looking at Erich the same way I had before. He's not even close to my friend anymore. I'm also convinced that I'm under the same category as Galya and Matt in Nate's books, which is not a good thing. And then I feel like I failed Abbi.

After I got home, she texted me and said that she failed. That she was a monster. I sent her a fucking story back. I said that she wasn't a monster, that I would never hate her, and that I would never leave her. I wanted to type even more, but my phone wouldn't let me type in any more characters. So I kind of had to cut off my message. That's almost 1000 characters.

I just ... I need Abbi to know that she's worth it. She's my best friend. She's so important to me. That I need her as much as she needs me. She's fighting a war here. I can expect that she won't win every battle. I told her that.

To be honest, I was planning on doing something for her on her year anniversary of not cutting, and I had the date written on a post-it note on my desk for the past couple months. Looking at it now, I wrote "she will be loved." But I don't hate her for what she did. Yes, her words made me cry, but this doesn't change the way I think of her at all. I keep telling her she's one of the strongest people I know. I know she doesn't believe me, but I'll keep telling her that. She needs a positive influence in her life. She's surrounded by darkness. I can't stand seeing that.

Yes, I know I don't have a whole lot of empathy. I think I was telling her this today at work after Erich got all pissed off at us. But, I'm not a sociopath. I can still connect to people. It's just harder to guilt trip me, especially when I don't feel anything to begin with. I kind of wonder if that's actually true, though. I end up doing a lot of shit that doesn't need to be done for people like Jake, Kevin, and Erich.

I dunno, though. I give up with my story now.

On the bright side, I got six dollars in tips today. I ... um ... kind of forget how I got the last dollar, but Erich gave me one of his tips because I was closing for him. Yoohoo! Two dollars! What a fucking cheap ass, I am. But, I kind of felt bad that he heard me talk so poorly of him. It was a rant. A vent. He really didn't need to hear that. I'm a fault there. That's why I closed for him.