If Only

I don't know what's happened. I was in such a good mood. Well, not exceptional, but it was positive. I've been kind of quiet lately, as in I haven't been seeking out contact to people - not really - but I wasn't down. I didn't feel awful or anything.

Sad thing is, though, that I've been thinking of Nate a lot lately. I've been talking with other people, including a cute, nice guy by the name of Weslie, but my mind always tracks back to Nate.

See, I know it wouldn't work out with him. We don't share enough interests, we both aren't the best conversationalists, and he doesn't like me. Sure, he's been talking to me a fucking lot lately, and he hasn't been condescending in the least, but he doesn't like me. There's no way. Besides, we had a customer in the shop today, and when she left, he said something about how he wouldn't mind having some of that or anything. He can be a man pig, he just doesn't often show it. I think that's only the third time I've heard him mention an attraction toward a girl in the year I've been working with him.

So, when I walked into work today, he was the one to say hi. Because I waved to him and Owen. I didn't actually say anything back, but I did wave. Actually, I think he said "hola" after an initial hello. Whatever, though. He was feeding off of Owen. And then he left. Because he opened today.

When I pulled into work, though, I didn't have my work shirt on. So I changed in my car. Again. In full view of Nate, too.

Hell, beforehand, I was following a car off of the freeway - the same make and model of Nate's car but a completely different color - and it wasn't just my mind. No, my fucking heart picked up and shit. This isn't good! I know this! I don't know what's happened.

So when I changed at work, that wasn't a good thing, either.

I don't know why I don't change in the bathroom.... Whatever, though.

It was slow as shit today, though. Erich and I kept busy because we had hit racks to do, but everyone else was slacking completely. John finally got to take a couple deliveries, but it wasn't until later.

And then we got to talking about music. And Erich mentioned to Ben or Owen that I listen to death metal. So I pulled out my phone and vehemently objected. Otep, while a heavy metal band, is not classified as death metal. Actually, I just looked it up on Wiki, and they're an alternative metal band. Not death metal or metalcore. Sure, I listen to a couple bands that can be called that, but I know my metal, okay? Erich didn't believe me. So I pulled out my phone and pulled up the song I showed Erich and Nate a while ago. The guys were trying to figure out what it was called.

And then Nate walked into the shop again. I don't know why, but I wanted that phone off, and I wanted it off right away. So I kind of flung it aside as soon as I stopped the music and turned to my work. And proceeded to ask Nate a couple times why he was at the shop. My face flushed. I know it. It was not good.

But it was fucking hot in there today. Dunno what it was.

Nate finally did answer me. Apparently he got some subs and he couldn't figure out how to install them. So he came to Owen for help.

We did talk about a couple other things as well. Once again, grades came up. But he wasn't sassy or anything, like he was when we've talked about school before. We were just talking. No strings attached.

My thumb started twitching while we were doing hit racks. I took a phone, held up my hand when the customer paused, and someone (I think Nate) commented that my hand was shaking. No, my thumb was spazzing. Yeah, dunno what was up with that.

When I left, after getting all my stuff done, Nate was still waiting around the shop. I left before Nate, and he was opening. He just came ... back. Later. He leaves almost as soon as he's let go. That was weird.

I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight. I need to wake up in about four hours. This isn't going well. Where's my bunny blanket? I'm stuffing that in my backpack right now.

I'm probably going to get a bazillion weird looks for wearing a blanket while sitting down in the middle of a hallway, but I don't care. I'll take a nap at school between lab and lecture.

Right, so, I dunno what's happened. I thought I accepted that I couldn't ever have Nate, and I should have tried smushing this crush to the ground. Stopped thinking about it completely. Let things go back to the way they were before, before we even really started talking. But now he talks to me first, so that's a little hard. Things are getting bad again, and I can't control myself.

Speaking of that....

So, I watched an episode of Doctor Who, and that show puts me through so many emotions in so little time already. I freakin' love that show now, damn it. Still not sure what to think of the tenth Doctor. He's usually happy, though not anywhere near the ninth Doctor, but he has this, like, dark side. He suddenly switches to such a threatening state, that you know he's not a coward like the ninth Doctor. The tenth Doctor can actually kill with his own hands. The ninth Doctor kind of just stood aside and let things happen. He was often powerless. The tenth Doctor knows how to get things done.

But I walked outside after the episode, ranting about that. But then it switched over to Flashpoint, and how Spike deals with so much personal bullshit, that it's a wonder how he can be so happy and uplifting all of the time. He's lost everyone he's ever cared for, he's alone for the first time in his life, and he still goes through life with a smile on his face and a joke at the tip of his fingers.

After that, the scrutiny turned to myself. I unraveled myself. I thought about the darker side of myself. Started with me empathy, and it went all downhill from there. How I feel so alone, even though I have Abbi and Olivia. Those are the only two I can trust that won't judge me for what I say or do. Nate does. Hell, everyone else at work does, besides Abbi. Wes usually doesn't give a shit. Furious does. There isn't a day where he doesn't mention that I'm a rabbit killer.

I've gotten past the point in my life where I need to stay quiet in order to protect myself. I think that's where my emotional "rock" came from before. That disappeared when I let people in. So now I can't shut up at Classic, I've lost all that security. I fall apart so quickly. But now, I don't usually censor myself, so people know that I'm not quite right. They knew that I lack a lot of the empathy other people possess. They know that I do weird things that scare most people. I've butchered. I have no problem with blood. I say some scary shit. When people are sad and in tears around me, I can't cope. I run away and distance myself because I don't know how to help them. Abbi's an exception, because I actually kind of know what it feels like to deal with that shit. Not to her degree, but still. But I let these things out, and I scare people. I'm alone because of this.

I never used to feel alone. I never had a problem with entertaining myself. Now I don't want that. I want someone to be close to. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I like that feeling. At all.

All I want to do right now is drop everything and travel. But I can't. I haven't any money left. I don't have enough money to buy food. I don't have enough money to fill up my car. I don't have enough money to buy Christmas presents for my family. I'm broke. I can't pay back my mom yet. I get my paycheck this Friday, which probably won't be the best since I missed the weekend, which is usually when I get my most hours.

I don't know. I just talked myself into sadness, into fear, and lastly into numbness. I unraveled myself. I fell apart. I commented to myself that I would write Fallen Apart real well at that moment, and then I realized why. Because that was exactly how I felt. I felt unwound. I felt way too exposed. But, at the same time, I felt nothing.

I can't afford to let everything go right now. Finals are coming up and I need to do well. I'm going to start managing at Classic soon.

Golly, Nate found out about that tonight, and I had to explain to him that he was there the night Wes was teaching me about paperwork. He had to think about that for a moment. I don't know what he thinks about it, though.

See, the thing with Nate, is you don't ever know how he feels about you. Ever. Seriously. Because he acts all nice to Galya, and does well with Matt, but he doesn't like either of them.

Yeah, but he's not supposed to be on my mind right now.

Begonefuckingdamnit! Cunt.

So, I can't fall apart right now. I can't just quit, like I did in high school. Y'know, the whole going numb was the reason I failed my first test. I didn't pay attention the whole week. I couldn't. I didn't touch my homework, I read instead of listening to lectures. I failed the test.

And I didn't care. That was the worst part about it. I shrugged it off, like it wasn't a big deal at all. I've never really looked at school the same way since. I just don't care about the whole lot of it.

And that scares me. It scares me more than the rut. Because I don't think I've ever fully climbed out of it. What if I haven't? When do I actually go back to the way I was before?

Personality is constant. Personality traits never really change. But, at the same time, people do change. It's all situational. A person's attitude changes according to each new situation. To each new problem.

I want my old self back. I haven't said that in a while now. But I want my old self back. Thing is, I can't remember the last time I was my old self.