Emotions Aren't Simple

Okay, I'm tired, so I'm going to try and make this as quick as I can so that I can go to bed, but I want to explain out emotions, so I know right off the bat that that's not going to happen. So I'm going to jump right into this.

First off, I do believe I explained everything that happened Tuesday. I updated the journal so that I explained work, and whatever I did at home, I forget.

This morning, I threw some clothes in the washer, and then was straight out the door. I picked up Cara, was acutely aware of all the swear words and insults pouring out of my mouth on the expressway, and got to school with time to spare. I left the house a little early so that I could get to Psychology class early and read some of the chapter. I really have to stop procrastinating. I didn't get very far in the chapter, but when the professor walked in and handed out the quiz, I think I did well. Stressful thinking inhibits the immune system, making us more susceptible to diseases. That was pretty much the whole chapter, as far as I know. I'd like to outline the whole thing before I take the quiz, for once, though. Because I have both a multiple choice test and an essay exam due this Sunday. I need to do well. Save my grade before she drops the lowest grades. Besides, the essay grades don't get dropped at all. At least I only lost one point out of ... 48? last time.

Straight after the class, I went down to my Calculus classroom. When I walked in, the guy sitting at the other table turned to me and asked if I got the second question at all. I immediately jumped into animated conversation. Honestly, where the hell did my old personality go? That was never like me before.

No, I explained to him. Furious and I mulled over that problem for about an hour and we couldn't get anywhere with it. This other guy walks into the room, pretty much asks the same question, and the five of us try and figure out what the hell to do with it. All of us got to the same point: integrating tangent squared multiplied by secant cubed. None of us could figure it out. We even searched online and couldn't find any help.

Once Furious walked in, the one guy and him wrote all across the blackboard trying to figure this problem out. Furious thought he knew how it worked, but I think he was wrong. Even so, when they figured it out on the board, they got the wrong answer. We spent half an hour on this problem and couldn't figure it out as a collaborative group. Then the professor walked in, saw we were trying to solve it, and then left again to come back, like, ten minutes later. He wouldn't help us at all.

Then I got stuck on that quiz. I couldn't solve the first problem, which I eventually found out I did it right the first time around instead of when I crossed that all out and started it over, and the second problem was a continuation of the first. The third problem was easy-peasy.

After that, the professor explained three-dimensional graphs and I got lost. For some reason, my brain doesn't think in three dimensions that well. I work in two dimensions. That's why I draw.

Once class was over, I stuffed the homework in my notebook, said a quick goodbye to Furious, and walked out the door. I almost tripped over Colin as he came out of the elevator, said hi to him, and then immediately saw Kevin and said hi to him. I think that's the first time we haven't talked when running into each other on campus. Except for that time he didn't notice me, and I didn't care to say hi. He was with his girlfriend. I kinda regret doing that. I really want to meet her. They look so cute together.

Within minutes, I was on the road home.

Getting to work wasn't that bad. I got there five minutes before I was scheduled, as is my habit, but I got there as quickly as I could. I was surprised to see Nate got there before me. I heard Owen saying that Nate had a class until 3 or 3:30, but he ... was there before me.

I walked in the shop, and there were slips everywhere. We had time order slips covering our little slip holders on both the front and back make lines. Galya and Nate were both working on getting shit in the back done, pizzas were coming out of the oven, but no one was around to get them, since Galya and Nate were busy. Wes and Ralph were up front slapping and topping pizzas. Ralph's father was in the back doing ... something. Eventually he came up front and helped Wes, Ralph, and Owen top. Once Owen arrived, of course.

At first I took a couple phones, Ralph confused the hell out of me when he said to not take any more time orders after four o'clock, and I kept having to ask how long he wanted me to say for carry-out. I haven't done such a thing in months. I usually can figure out how long they want me to say by how many tickets are hung up to be topped, how much the phones are ringing, and everything. But not today. Those tickets looked like streamers at an over-decorated party, man.

Once other people started coming in, Ralph put me on the cut table, where I stayed for the rest of my time there. Jazmin walked in, I have no idea when, and she was preparing to help me with the cut table and setting up an area and all.

I was rather ticked off by that time. People kept invading my little square (seriously, it was like two feet square and people just stood in it, inhibiting my ability to do my job), wouldn't leave my little square, kept bumping into me, and kept stealing my pizzas when I was making a stack of names. Every now and again Jon just stood in the middle of my way, and I went from saying "excuse me," and "move please" to "move." "Go away." I started getting snappy at everyone. When people asked me if I needed help, I just growled back at them, "I'm fine," or "No." I don't need your help. I have everything under control. Which I did. I misboxed once because someone set up the boxes incorrectly and it was conveiniently incorrect. Like, by the way pizzas were coming out, I couldn't tell that I was supposed to put pizzas in those boxes yet. And I put a cheese in a cheese box and a pepperoni in a pepperoni box. It wasn't like I misread the labels or anything.

Nate kept invading my little square, too. He just stared at the boxes. The first time he did it, I was getting a pizza off the oven, and when I turned around, he was standing in the place I needed to be. Staring. At the boxes. I didn't say anything, just stared at him. Eventually he tore his eyes away from the boxes and met my eyes. He didn't move for a couple seconds, and then just slid over. Giving me enough room, but so that he was standing right next to me. Staring at boxes.

For the rest of the night, Nate stared at the boxes from the other side of the heat lamps. He rested his arms under the heat lamp, ducked his head to see below the top shelf, and studied the boxes. I turned around every time he did it, didn't comment on it half the time.

But when he stared at boxes from beside me again, I asked him, "What are you looking for?" He did a lot of staring at those boxes. He took deliveries, yes, and he did dishes too. But if he wasn't making noise over there, he was looking at boxes.

I'm cracking myself up now.

But anyway. Nate didn't verbally reply to me the first time I asked that. He just grabbed at three boxes and nearly failed in pulling them forward. I didn't really see the point in him doing that, he could have just pointed and said something, but whatever. It's Nate. He's a little off when it comes to peopling.

Oh my dear. Peopling is a word. It's not underlined, when it underlines words that actually do exist. Like peasy. C'mon. Oh, it doesn't like c'mon either. What the fuck is so special with peopling?

I got more words out of Nate tonight, too. They were all work related, but I was there for less than two hours, and half the time I was grumping at people.

(It doesn't like grumping either.)

I was pretty quiet. In my own little world. Kept bumping into people that decided to encroach on my little world, and I started getting angry at Jon, but it was still my little square. Emphasis on little.

When I left, Jazmin told me that Ralph told her to take over ovens, and I ended up leaving at the same time Nate was leaving to take a delivery. It wasn't planned that way, but it was happy. I went out the door first, got into my car, and started it up when Nate walked out the door. Customers took over the place where the delivery drivers usually park, so Nate parked somewhere near the dumpster. When I was pulling out from my spot, Nate lifted up his arm holding a delivery bag (I think he was holding one in each hand), held up two fingers, and kind of waved. I noticed him, but I was too busy backing up, not running into the wall behind me, nor the cars beside me, and turning the wheel to get somewhere. Once I had things straight, I smiled and waved back at him. He waved a little harder, smiled back, and then I was leaving.

I don't know why these little things make me so happy. This is going too far! Whyyyyy? The longer this goes on, the more and more I like him. And I can't figure him OUT!

Before going off to school, I stopped at McDonald's and got a smoothie. Because I hadn't eaten anything that day before that. So when I was on my way, I think I got to the point where 14 and 23 are still merged, and traffic just came to an abrupt stop. I saw break lights for as far as I could see, so I immediately switched lanes. I was behind a semi, but the cars in the faster lane weren't going any faster. We didn't go much slower (or faster, unfortunately) than 20 for a couple miles, but I think it was just because of people merging from one on-ramp. After that, traffic cleared up until my exit.

I got to class, and it was the worst waste of time. I had forgotten to bring my laptop, which had my bibliography, the websites I needed to cite, and everything, which was due today. Other than that, we took over an hour to read through a six page essay, and that was the class. We analyzed the hell out of that damn essay. It was a lot to do with religiousness and home schooling, too. What the fuck? I don't care about that shit. I don't like religion. It doesn't sit well with me. Just don't bring it up.

Afterwards, I called Classic, got Ben, and asked if they wanted me to come back. He just told me to stay away once he asked Ralph. Or Wes. I have no idea.

On my way home, though, Abbi texted me if I was done with class, I said yes, and then I ended up at Classic. Even though Ben told me to stay away.

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed Zach's truck. Zach wasn't working today, since he had requested the day off. Him and Jake are pretty much the only two to get the day off. Besides Sarah, who would have died tonight if she worked. And Von, despite the fact that he's more competent than Jon. Whatever. Erich got the day off, too! What the hell?

When I walked in, I noticed Zach was just ... orange. Apparently he dressed up as the horse off Gumbi or whatever the fuck. He was the only dressed up person in the shop.

I got a nice, long hug from Abbi, helped with a couple pizzas, got to see Nate again, and made myself a pizza. When Wes told Abbi to call for her ride him, I just told her I'd drive her home instead.

Ohmydear! I rolled a rack plus four bread sticks last night. By five o'clock, Galya said that there was only one tray left. One tray left. Out of twenty-three trays from the night before. Nate went back there to double-check and confirmed that there was only one. When I was talking with Abbi, who had to do bread sticks that night (not Ben, like he thought), she said that everyone missed the four bread stick trays on the other rack. I don't know how everyone misses that. Especially Nate. He knows how to do the back. He's done bread sticks before. I don't know how he doesn't know to look at the other rack. Whatever.

I ended up staying at Abbi's house until eleven again.

Okay, this was the part of the journal I wanted to get to over half an hour again. I've been typing constantly since I started, too.

I am an introvert. Anyone who knows me knows this. Introverts can deal well with people, but people exhaust me. I can't be around people 24-7 or I just tired of them. In general, this still applies. I think it's the reason I get tired of phones and carry-out after doing it all night. I just don't want to deal with people after a while. There aren't a lot of exceptions to this rule, either. There's the people at work (with a couple exceptions, such as Jon), but most specifically, I can't ever get tired of Abbi. One would think Nate, but sometimes neither of us have anything to say, so we say nothing. Abbi and I tell each other story after story. When we talk, time flies by, I can't get tired of her, and I just love her.

I still have Olivia, whom I can hang out with a lot, but Abbi's become closer.

Oh, I was supposed to hang out with Olivia tomorrow (note, today). I just now remembered this. Except after the Chemistry lecture, I'm going to get my shit done at the Writing Center, since there's an assignment due tomorrow. I'll get two done just because I can. I also want to take my Chemistry test so I have time instead of doing it between class and work on Monday. Sometimes that doesn't give me enough time. That's just if I can, though. I don't work Thursday, so I can spend as much time as I want at school.

I was thinking, though, that because Nate's class ends at five ... that I could text him and see if we could hang out. Okay, he knows how I feel about him, and I have no idea of what's going on inside his head. He's one of the few people I regularly talk to that I just can't figure out. He'll probably say no, that he has something going on or he just doesn't want to. Maybe that's just everything in my past telling me that that will happen. Because things like this don't usually work out for me. But he's been talking to me and everything again. If he does say yes, it would be the first time we hang out away from work. I ... want that.

But if I do that with Nate, then I'd kinda be leaving Olivia hanging. And I haven't seen her in over a month. I don't want to just text her and be like ... yeah ... I ended up ditching you and hanging out with Nate.... I've had that sort of thing happen to me before. A lot. It's not fun.

So, I got to figure that out by tomorrow afternoon. Bah, social lives are annoying.

But no, that's not the point I want to make. Much the opposite.

Since Abbi and I have been so close, we spend a lot of time together. Like, we text each other all the time, we very often hang out, and we tell each other that we leave one another. My free days, I often spend with her.

Before, I needed at least one day (usually two days) just to stay away from people, stay in my room, and have some time away from socializing. I don't even remember the last time I had something like that. Usually my mood goes very much downhill when I don't have time away from people just to chill out.

I've been a lot less angry lately. I haven't had very many down moments. I haven't felt the need to be completely alone and secluded for a day or two. Now, last week with Nate and Galya kind of doesn't count, due to the nature of the situation.

Abbi just makes me happy. Period.

Within the past couple months, we've decided we need each other. I read Abbi's journals on Tumblr and I just get hit so hard with feels that I lose my ability to speak. I just make noises and flail about. I help her out with her problems, and often I don't even know how much I am helping her. I stick up for her at work when words approach biting, and I go back to being the threatening guy side of me. I don't even know, man. But Abbi, I don't know exactly how she's affected me, but when I look back through my journals I've posted before, when I wallow about how alone I feel, how I feel like no one really cares, and all that jazz, I realize that Abbi has filled that hole. She's filled a hole in my life that has never been filled before. Seriously, I go back and read those journals, and I'm like ... I have someone like that in my life now. For the first time ever. It's such a new feeling, and I just need her.

I'm not a pessimistic person, but I'm not optimistic, either. When things get shitty, I do feel myself slipping towards that rut. I think it's the slipping that scares me more than when I actually do get caught in that rut. But on the flip side. when things get happy, I don't usually focus on anything else but revel in that feeling.

My life motto used to be "Happiness is a choice." I needed to believe in that when things got bad. Because things often did. Now, I think, I'm replacing it with "No regerts." Because reasons. Because I'm actually happy now. My outlook on life ... is happy. It's not Nate, because when I had that huge, sloppy crush over Tyler, I could still find myself down. It's definitely Abbi.

Olivia is close to me, has heard my deepest secrets (I blame late late late nights), but Abbi's the closest person ever in my entire life. It took almost eighteen years to find this person. To fill the holes that I didn't think could be filled.

And now, because of this, I think is because I don't need the days to myself. I don't need to feel pain alone anymore. I ... have Abbi. We share each other's problems. I wouldn't have dared done that with anyone else. Not even Olivia. There are surface problems, and then there are deep problems that you're so afraid someone will find out. With Abbi, I feel like they don't even matter.

I've talked about Abbi in my journals before, but I've only briefly mentioned her. She's such an important part of my life now, I didn't give her justice in my written thoughts. It kind of scares me that I need someone so completely, but at the same time there is no fear.

OHMYDEAR! What if it's because of her that I'm finally becoming the social  person I've never been? Because now that ... whatever has happened with her has happened (I really don't know how to explain it in words, it's just feelings that float about and make me ponder for words), my fears have lessened? Like, I can actually face things that I was subliminally too afraid of before, but now that I have pieces that I can fight those fears away?

I don't even know how to explain this! It's just ... an epiphany that I got while writing and I needed to get the gist of it out.

Yeah, so, that's what I needed to write.

I needed to get that out.

To organize it.

I think the reason I liked Jake so much was because I thought he would be that person. Because he kept saying that he understood how I felt, that he could fill in those holes. But if he's missing the same pieces as me, how can he fill them? He heard my words, but he never listened. He couldn't help me. And now I think he ticks me off because I know this. I know now that he'll never be able to help me, and now I see him for the person he really is. There's no mask.

Because I needed that explained but when I look back through my journals, I used to hold Jake in such a high light. With the way I see him now, I needed to know why there was such a difference in the way I thought of him. I think that may be the reason why.

So ... where does that leave Nate? Because the way I like him doesn't have the same feel as when I liked Tyler McCarthy or Tiller. But the more I get to know him on a deeper level, the more we go through, it really is beginning to feel like that. Some things turn me away, but they're more superficial. He likes sports, he doesn't like to read, he isn't into fantasy. He's more introverted than me, withdraws much more easily, and likes being along. But there's more to him than that. He's stubborn (though not as stubborn as me), and a lot more opinionated than he lets on. But I can learn more, and I know that.

I used to fear that once I figured him out that I wouldn't like him as much anymore. But the complete opposite is happening. I like him more, and after I told him I liked him, and he started talking to me again, things have gotten better.

I want to learn more. I want him to ... to ... to like me. At least, I'd like to know the way he sees me. Am I only going to be a friend to him? Or do I have a chance to get close to him? Like, actually close? I want to know these things. I'm still shy, I'm inexperienced in this area, and I'm very afraid that he'll hurt me. Because honestly, he can hurt me very badly now. I've let him too far into my life, whether he knows it or not. I don't like handing people the key to my doors. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I've been hurt too many times, y'know?

So, this is probably one of the most emotionally-central journals I've ever written. I titled it before I started writing, too. Funny how much the title really relates to the content. I didn't exactly plan the journal to get so philosophical. It feels nice, though. I think I figured a lot of things out throughout this journal. Usually I just rehash events to remember for later. I comment about my emotions just to see how far I've come. Yes, I do use my journals (like, my relationship with Jake), but I've never used my journals in this way before.

I just poured myself on a platter for all to see here. This is opening up. Because I'm learning things about myself still. And oh fucking dear.

I started writing this journal over an hour ago. I need to go to bed.

And I didn't even comment about how un-Halloween-ish my Halloween was. Well, there's my comment about that.

(Note, I'm not an optimist or a pessimist, but I'm a realist.)

SONG OF THE DAY: Far From Over ~ Apocalyptica