Personality is Constant

In Psychology class, we were talking about personality being a situational versus permanent sort of thing. So, some people believe that personality doesn't really exist, and the way we act and react depends on the situation. Unlike those people, I believe that personality doesn't really change and is a part of us throughout our lives. We can trace traits and they'll be more or less the same through childhood and adulthood. Now, I'm not saying that people don't change. I'm a firm example of a different person from a year from now. But, really, people don't change as much as you think they do. Personality can't be completely changed.

That  being said, I kind of got a little frustrated last night. It's been a while since I've gotten to the point where I just need to lash out in order to calm myself down, and it's especially worse when I'm around people. Because I can't. Usually I restrain myself in the form of twiddling with my hands when I get frustrated. I get more quiet than usual, I kind of try to avoid people - especially those that will make the situation worse - and I try and deal with my frustration. Things get even worse when I feel like I'm to blame. I do put blame on me where it's due. At least, I feel like I do that.

The day started out nice. I woke up at, like, two. I had to kick Puddin out of my room at some point because she woke me up and wouldn't stop moving, no matter how much I yelled at her. It makes me wonder if my family can hear me upstairs when I get in a shouting match with my rabbit. Although it's only my mom and me right now, since the boys are all up at Grandma's for hunting.

Not long after getting up, I started texting Abbi, continuing a conversation we were having last night before we fell asleep, and then my mom called. When I answered, her immediate question was if I was still sleeping. Yes, I was sleeping, and I sleep-answered my phone. I couldn't figure out why she thought that I was sleeping, until she told me that it took me five rings to answer. I answered when my phone first vibrated. I dunno what was up with that. I think maybe it has to do something with the fact that I was texting Abbi.

And I had thought that the text sent and went through, but I didn't realize until a little over an hour later that the text never sent. I wondered why she wasn't reply to me. My phone didn't send my message. XD

But my mom asked if I wanted to go out and eat with her. Okay, so, I don't eat a whole lot. I eat a lot less than I should. Instead of gaining the freshman fifteen pounds, I lost a lot of weight. Not to mention muscle mass and tone. :( Now that just saddens me. I like being in shape, though I don't like getting there, per se. I agreed, quickly got dressed, and then met her at Meijers. Which is where our Quiznos is. We each had a sub, though I couldn't finish mine, and then drove back home in our individual cars.

Did I mention that Dad filled up the Milan for me? When he left, as well as Mom, leaving me with the truck with the two dead deer in the back, I thought that the car was going to be on empty. He filled it up for me. I haven't had that happen in a long time. I felt so happy. But when I got home, he left and I couldn't thank him in person. Though I did text him a thank-you while I was at work.

I took care of the rabbits, playing with J and Cashmere for a little, and then I was off to work. When I was leaving, I didn't have to flick on my headlights like I usually do, and it took me a while to realize that it was because I was going in at four and not five. The sun is practically setting at five o'clock. At four, it's low in the sky, but not enough that headlights should be a necessity.

As soon as I walked in, Wes launched into this happy news story. Apparently his ex-wife and her son are being sued for 40k because of an unpaid loan. Wes is extremely happy that he's better off than his ex-wife's family. He explained his story again when Zach walked in shortly after me, and then when everyone else walked in at five.

Zach did walk in right after me, right? Um. Whatever, though. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, he did! Because we were talking for a bit before someone called on the phone, and then he disappeared after I was done dealing with the customer. He went outside to talk to Owen, and I hardly saw Zach at all for the rest of the night. Owen opened yesterday.

Alright, well, that unimportant detail is set straight.

We didn't really get slammed yesterday, but it was steady, and at one point, a lot of the orders we took were deliveries. We had Owen, Zach, and Opi on the road, but our board was so stacked up that Wes handed me a wrap and sent me out on a delivery to Lori Lynn. I was literally bouncing around I was so happy. So Abbi took over for my spot at the front make line, and I got to delivery to this really cute guy. Krysta texted me while I was on the road, and I had to tell her that things were a little busy and I'd have to text her back. I think it took me three or four hours to get back to her.

Before things got really busy, though, I texted Jeff and told him I just wanted to talk. He called me adorable because of that, and I actually squeaked out loud. But he texted me afterwards when things got busy, so it took me a while for me to respond to him, too. I felt back, because I texted him first and said I just wanted to chat, and then I didn't reply. We did get a nice conversation going on last night, though, after I got home.

When I got back in the shop, I didn't have much else to do. But then Erich looked at the board again and said that since Owen was gone, I have no idea where Zach was, and Opi just took a delivery to Psycho Farms, I had to take Mrs. Earle's delivery. I got to meet Mrs. Earle.

I got to clean the front make-line, finish my prep, and do all that sort of fun stuff. In the middle of chopping onions, the chopper thing decided it was going to fall apart on me, so I ran up front and tried to figure it out with Erich. Apparently Erich had that sort of thing happen to him before, and he had to hand-tighten it. I check in the trunk of my car, though, and Dad had a kit of socket wrenches, so we tightened the chopper thing up nice and good. If that baby falls apart on any of us while I'm still working there, we may have problems. Depending on how long I'm staying at Classic.

I say this sort of thing, and I don't have any intentions of leaving yet.

When we fixed the chopper thing, though, the lever thing decided it would stick. So, me being me, I decided, "oh! It's going to stay there!" even though that was a lie. My thumb managed to sneak under the chopper thing, and when it fell down, it tried to treat my thumb like an onion. The top part of our chopper isn't sharp at all, but the sheer force of it falling down on my thumb caused it to bleed. I don't think it's an open wound, though. And then, when I woke up today, there's this little, perfect circle of a blister or something right next to the wound. I think where the chopper actually fell on my thumb.

I was telling Abbi, though, while I was cursing the pain and telling her I couldn't take my eyes off of the wound, that if I complain about a pain a lot, chances are, it doesn't really hurt a lot. It's when I get hurt and I shut up and remove myself from socializing that I'm really in pain. I don't cry; I just leave. I choke down any sounds my body wanted to make, and I hold my breath until I can keep things under wraps. I deal well with pain, despite the fact that I'm kind of afraid of pain. But at the same time, I don't mind it too much, as long as it's not that constant, deep ache that I get in my joints all of the time. Knees, hips, and my right elbow and shoulder, mostly. My ankles are getting better.

After I finished with my prep, Nate asked me if I wanted to take the delivery to Jennings. I had to make sure that he was completely serious first, and then I realized that I couldn't check out the deliveries because I was clocking them out under Wes's name, and Wes had clocked out a couple hours before. So I clocked the Jennings and the Fourth under Nate's name and ended up taking them both.

I took the Jennings first, didn't follow Nate's directions to get there, and found the house easily enough. I know that road, okay? I drive down it often enough when I'm with Abbi. The guy was kind of a pack-rat, but very nice, and then I was on my way to the Fourth.

I couldn't find the house. I drove up and down that road a couple of times, going probably about five miles an hour, trying to read the addresses on the houses. I could see maybe two addresses on all of the houses on that street. It gave me a general idea of where the house I was supposed to be finding was, but I still couldn't figure out which house. I actually got out of my car and tried to find an address on this one house, and I couldn't find anything.

Knowing I was running out of time, because it was quickly approaching eleven o'clock, I climbed back into my car and booked it back to the shop. I was going 40 down Central. Which usually you can't go about 20 at this one curve. I threw my car into park, took out the key, and knocked on the window at the side of the shop. The phone was ringing, despite it being closing time, and I yelled at Erich, "I can't find the fucking house!" Turns out the person calling was the lady I was supposed to be delivering to.

Nate ended up actually taking the pizza to her house. I was so frustrated and angry with myself. I couldn't find the house, it turns out I was supposed to take the in-town before the out-of-town, and I had left my phone at the shop so I couldn't call the guys. Erich was kind of yelling, but I think he blamed himself for letting me take that delivery instead of Nate more than anything. He kept repeating the in-town, out-of-town rule, and that he shouldn't have let me go.

But it was me that couldn't find the house. I dunno. I screwed things up at work and I couldn't let it go.

Abbi's never seen me like that. She's never seen where I want to turn on myself. I need the physical pain in order to release my frustrations. Or, sometimes, I need the physical pain to let out my emotional pains. The physical pain lets me move on. I mean, I usually end up punching something - or myself - and I rarely leave bruises, but I don't usually have to hold myself back from it. When I do, it makes the tension worse.

My back hurt so bad after that, and I kind of wonder if it's correlated. Because I never really did get my physical release. I did hit the door frame at work, though not with my knuckles, and I did end up hitting myself on the thigh, but it wasn't the same. My back still hurts. I still feel tense over this.

Because now Erich's going to second-guess my ability to take deliveries now, too. Last night was just a clusterfuck, and I know I was the cause of it.

I made over ten dollars in tips, though. I forgot how much it really was. And I got over seven hours of work time.  Seven hours.

I ended up taking Abbi home, and she did take my mind off of what happened at work, but we didn't talk as much as we usually did. We were a little quieter, and I did feel kind of hyper when I had to leave, but last night was still a bad night just because of what happened at work. I ended up leaving about twelve thirty from Abbi's house. Stayed up at my house until after three. Put off writing this journal until what I constitute as this morning, despite it being afternoon.

So some things never change, I see. I still lash out not only verbally, but physically as well. I still blame myself even when I'm told not to blame myself. Because I know I was the one that screwed this up. Nate and Erich had to fix it. I think the only reason I have a happier outlook is because I'm not all alone anymore. I have support, and I need that. I often do turn on myself when I don't have help.

I'm still how I will always be.