Don't Stand Still

Don't stand still, for life goes on.

Haha, but I feel like I'm getting pushed back down again into the depths of self-pity and loneliness. I'm not outgoing enough, I'm not friendly enough, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough drive. I wish and wish of something, and now even when I put effort into trying, I don't yield the results I wished for. I get the same exact results as before, when I stood aside at a distance and kept away from others. Everything has changed, but nothing at all.

I was going to write the intro for my essay Monday night, and I did. I got two pages done, all of it explaining exactly where the origin of my question was formulated, and that's all there is so far. Two pages of writing, and absolutely none of it includes research at all. In fact, I'm not sure if there's a whole lot of research to do for this essay. I have my "first-hand account" or whatever based on what my Chemistry teacher sent me when I asked her what to do with my life, and that's actually stretching the definition.

Then yesterday night when I was supposed to do all the research and finish the essay for today. Well, that didn't  happen too well. Not at all.

Tuesdays are my early morning days. I wake up a little before seven, pick up Cara, and then get to school vaguely early. I do that simply because I'm afraid of what traffic will look like in the morning, and there is no way I'm missing my Chemistry lab if I'm coming to school so fucking early. Actually, that's the time ingrained in my head and I'm not willing to change it. This semester is nearly finished, after all. I have a little over a month left, I think.

When I woke up yesterday, it was a pain in the ass to get the frost off my car, and it only made me realize that much more that winter is coming around. I used to think that autumn was my favorite season, but now I realize that autumn doesn't really exist. The leaves fall for a total of a week, and then we jump right into freezing cold weather and the inability to be warm for six months straight. I get cold so easily, it's not even funny.

The Chemistry lab wasn't that bad. We were measuring pH and the questions didn't kill our brains this week. I almost was working with Chris and Tom again, but I ended up having to pair up with the partner my Chemistry instructor assigned me. Only about a third of us show up, I don't know why she still does that. Whatever, though. I did some collaborating with Tom before and during the lab.

Afterwards, I grabbed some hot chocolate from Starbucks and met up with Cara. We were showing each other a bunch of stuff on Tumblr, including her experience with Steam Powered Giraffe, and me showing her the night blogging blog Olivia and I started up. We're gaining followers on that blog, and that makes me proud.

Then it was off to Chemistry lecture. It wasn't that exciting, as per usual, and Eric wasn't there again. I'm actually fine with that. I don't really want to deal with him anymore. He's just another complication in my life that I don't need right now.

After lecture, I went home, took care of the rabbits, and grabbed my stuff for work. I got as much information from Dana and my parents as I could, and then I went off to the town hall to vote. I don't know what I was expecting, but it went fairly smoothly. We're in district one, and I was the only person in line for that district. I saw Kelly, and she helped me with some of what I had to do while she was waiting in line for her district. It was nice seeing her again, especially when I had no idea as to what I was doing.

I didn't vote for a whole lot. I chose the president candidate, I voted for the proposals, as well as the district firehouse they want to put in. I didn't have enough information to vote for anything else and I didn't want to make any uninformed decisions.

I was in and out very quickly. So I went back home and pretty much just ended up surfing Tumblr. I don't even know how that site takes up so much of my time.

Then I was off to work. I helped Ralph up front again until Erich took over. Sarah was working, so when the phones and carry-out got a little busy, Erich was helping her out. Which left me all alone up front. Tickets quickly accumulated, and I can only go so fast when I'm slapping, saucing and cheesing, and topping simultaneously. At some point, Abbi asked me if ticket sixty-something was in the oven yet, and of course I was on the ticket right before it. They came in twenty minutes later, and I hadn't even gotten to their pizzas yet. On top of that, we had a big time order for seven o'clock, and I had a hard time weeding those into the regular orders to get it out in time. I don't know how I did it. It did help when Erich eventually let Sarah do her own job and helped me out again. At some point during the night, Nate came back from a run, and I immediately turned around and asked him if he could help out.

"Is that sarcasm?" he asked me. I didn't know how to answer. No, of course it was not sarcasm! I thought that if Nate helped Sarah out, I would be able to catch up with all of the tickets. Nate did take a couple phones, and I thanked him all fucking night for doing that, but his help didn't actually help me all too much.

Nate was talking a lot last night, though. At one point, him, Erich, and I were all talking, and while Erich was giving me a harder time, Nate was pitching in. It's just ... I've never socialized with him so much. He's engaged me in conversations rather than the other way around.

Then later that night, Kevin stopped by again, and Nate instantly switched into a completely new personality. Last time Kevin came in, Nate kind of just hung around the sink, but last night despite his piles of dishes, he talked up a fucking storm. And then they went outside in Nate's car and got high. At least Nate got high. I don't know about Kevin. Before Kevin was fired, he said that he wasn't going to smoke anymore. I'm not sure how well that turned out, because we've never talked about it.

It was funny, though. Near the end of the night, it was just me, him, Erich, and Abbi in the back doing bread sticks. We had an order of wings go through, and since I was up front doing my shit, Nate threw in the wings. A few minutes later, he was looking through the ovens and he couldn't figure out where the wings went. Well, I didn't see them either. It turns out he put the wings on the bread stick oven instead of one of the pizza ones. His excuse was that he never really worked back. Uh-huh, that didn't phase him before. A little beforehand, I took a phone, put the lady on hold, and was waiting for Erich to get off of the other phone so I could ask him the lady's question. Nate -  I don't know what he was thinking - but he said that he couldn't take the phone.

Okay, I can't tell the difference of when Nate is high and when he is not high. I knew at that moment, though, that that was what they were smoking out in Nate's car. Because earlier I went outside to grab change from my car, and Kevin and Nate were in the car, and Jake was hanging out at the driver-side window. Jake had me turn off the lights in his truck. He had to explain how in detail.... But I did do it.

I thought that I had left my wallet at home. Which meant that I hadn't any money, nor did I have my ID. When I left later that night and put my coat on, I realized that I had just put my wallet in my coat pocket.

Throughout the night, though, I kept telling Jake that I missed talking to him. Practically that I missed considering him my friend. He's been pretty damn hot and cold lately. Most of the time he won't talk at all, but he was actually socializing.

Erich made a crew - barbeque chicken deluxe - and when it came out, Jake looked at it and asked if there were onions on it. Well, yes. It was a barbeque chicken deluxe. He then asked me if I could taste them. I told him no, and then quickly realized as he took a piece that I couldn't taste anything. I had burnt my tongue on the hot chocolate and am currently incapable of tasting many flavors.

I gave Abbi the sticky note pad I made for her. For every sticky note on the (fresh) pad, I wrote "You are" and then some adjective. It took me a while to finish it. I started off fine, and had about a dozen or so, but I could only add, like, one adjective per day. I couldn't think of anything. Sure, I remembered stuff as I was dozing off for the night, but I couldn't remember any the next day. A couple days ago, I just went ham on it. I filled over half of the pad in one day. I felt rather accomplished. The sticky pad fell apart a little, though, so I had to hold it together with a binder clip.

Hey - I burned school stuff between voting and going to work yesterday. I had to take two trips outside to bring everything, but I burned almost all of my high school work. All I have left is the German, Calculus, Chemistry, and Anatomy. That's all I cared about in four years of school. It felt amazing watching Mattner's class in flames. And I found it funny that I wrote, four years ago, that maybe I wouldn't mind weight lifting, but I wouldn't make it religious. I'd lift for tone, and blah blah blah. Well, I'm seriously considering joining a gym now, and I would still lift for tone, not strength.

But I'm beginning to have serious doubts that it'll get anywhere with Nate. I posted our texting conversation yesterday while I was at Abbi's house, and when I got home from Abbi's house last night. I was surprised at how quickly he was responding, but when I read back through what we sent each other, he didn't appear as responsive as I was first thinking.

I have realized, though, that I have a big thing for arms. I really, really like arms. And Nate does have nice arms. Very nice arms.

I'm just hurting myself, though.

Last night I just watched episode after episode of Big Bang Theory. I didn't touch my essay, and I didn't go to bed until two again somehow. And then I woke up at six. I don't know what was wrong, but my body fucking hurt. My back, my stomach, and I didn't know what to do. I ended up just sitting in my bathroom on the floor. I huddled up on the rug in front of my shower and waited for the pain to go away. I climbed back into my bed maybe fifteen minutes later, and then my alarm went off.

I almost fell asleep in Psychology class today. I could not pay attention. I was exhausted. Thankfully I was a little more awake in my Calculus class, especially since we're learning new bullshit, but I'm still tired. At least I don't work tonight.

Though I wish I could visit the library. It turns out Dexter had the book I wanted all along, and now I need to go hunt it down.

The date I had set up with Jeff was canceled, though. He texted me this morning on my way to school and said his boss was having him come in for work today. It disappoints me more than I'd like to admit.

My plans rarely ever work out. Especially those big plans, and especially when the plans involve other people (or school work). I realize this, I halfway expect this anymore, and it still crushes my hopes. It still hurts just as much.

So now I'm tired, dejected, and cold. Abbi was sending me a few texts, and she cheered me up a little, but I just want to go home, sleep, and be antisocial again. One gets tired of getting hurt over and over again. It's pretty much just my life, but still. I'm actually trying to be a more social person, trying to keep away from being such a loner, and I have Abbi. Abbi is ... well, amazing. But I dunno. I just want to call it quits again. Just when I thought that my habits have changed. I need time alone again.

And I don't have the time to be alone. School, work, more work. And apparently Jeff and I are rescheduling our date to Sunday. Which was my one fucking day off. I hope things work out. I don't want anymore self doubts. I don't want to fall back into that rut again. Whenever I'm at this point emotionally, I dread that rut. I'm so afraid, I don't think anyone knows. I haven't really seen that rut since the beginning of the year, though.

Perhaps I should just stop trying and let life play out. That way I won't have any expectations, and they won't perpetuate this cycle. I'll delve back into my art and come out only to work and learn. Go back to being the person I was. Without any close friends.

But I can't lose Abbi. I have Abbi this time, and she knows what this feels like. I need her in my life.

When Wes tells me I haven't any friends, it hurt until Abbi came along. It rang true ... until Abbi.

Good golly.

SONG OF THE DAY: Bullet ~ Hollywood Undead