Self Discovery

I knew I was right in that I wouldn't finish that last journal. I was going to write it after I took Abbi home before work, but somehow Tumblr grabbed and held my attention. At least I semi-finished the idea I was last working on, no matter if I kind of rushed it at the end. I'll see if I can make these two journals flow together, minus this paragraph. Reading back, I didn't get very far.

Besides that conversation with Nate Monday night, there wasn't a whole lot to the day. I forget why it was so pressing to write that journal yesterday. The guys were talking about porn, though. It was mostly Owen driving the conversation, but Erich was definitely contributing. Not to leave Opi or Ben out. Those two particpated. At one point, Nate pulled out his phone and the other three guys crowded around him to view the screen - the topic was still porn sites.

I kind of disengaged that night. I didn't really talk at all and simply fell into the routine of my job. At some point, Ben tried asking me a couple work-related questions, but I flat-out ignored him.

Oh dear. At another time, I somehow brought up Jeff to Erich. Later, when we were working on hit racks, Erich said to me, but projecting, "I'm jealous of your boyfriend." Okay, I knew he was joking. He's a forty year-old man, and the comment kind of fit into what we were doing. Still, I could feel my face heaten up. I tried explaining to Erich that I don't think he could be considered my boyfriend; we've only gone on one date thus far, despite how well it went. While I was trying to tell Erich that, Nate decided to butt in after being quiet in his little corner. "You have a boyfriend? What's his name?" I didn't answer him, since I was trying to deal with Erich. I just want to know why he decided to participate in a conversation that didn't concern him, which usually is not something he does.

Nate knows I like him, but I could never figure him out. I never learned how he really felt back. After his initial withdraw, he began socializing with us more. He's been starting conversations with me instead of me forcing him to converse.

Lately, I have been getting to know Nate for who he really is. He's a lot more sarcastic, stubborn, opinionated, and kind of judgmental than I initially perceived. He has complained about various things to me and has shot down a lot of what I say since I've gotten him to talk. But he still really does listen, and he still does have a pretty happy outlook on most things. When  he complains to me, he's venting. I do that at work a lot, too.

When Abbi and I were talking yesterday, she asked me what I would do if I was still with Jeff and Opi showed he liked me back. I mean, I've known Opi longer and he's been central to my thoughts for a while now, but he's really only just now interacting with me. He's only just now opening himself up and showing me who he is. I told her that I didn't really know, but I think I'd stay with Jeff.

Jeff and I have known each other for a very short time and have gone out on one date so far, but already I can talk more freely with Jeff and I already feel we're much more compatible. We just ... clicked.

Later, when I was telling Olivia about this, she said that Nate already had his chance. Plus, I really need to listen to these gut feelings. Sometimes, especially lately, I feel like Nate and I wouldn't get along simply due to our pastime activities. And neither of us are the best talkers. Olivia was never really sure of what to tell me either.

So I'm thinking, it's too bad for Op if he wants anything more, which I honestly don't see happening. Should something happen between Jeff and me, I don't think I'll see Nate as an option, even. To answer Abbi, then, I'm going to stay with Jeff or with myself. Nate ... I don't really see a future.

I think, to answer myself earlier - this month or last month earlier - I was lonely. Not sure why friends, such as Abbi and Olivia, didn't cut it. Maybe I'll look back a month from now and discover more. I really do enjoy learning about myself like this, even if I don't always get answers. I think I'm more into psychology than I admit. It does intrigue me.

When I got home, I finished my essay for Composition. I kind of which I added more detail and further that path of self-discovery, but I didn't actually want to further my research. I got the minimum page amount, but he'll probably mark me down like the last essay because I could "write more." In this case, I'd have to agree, but at the same time I've exhausted my approach. I'll look at it before I print it out for the class today. I still have to add a name for my "personal interview" for the MLA formatting.

Instead of waking up ten to seven, I decided my alarm clock is fucked up and I'm not resetting it, so I set it to seven. Thankfully the frost didn't get to my car this week like it did last Tuesday. On my way to pick up Cara, I got stopped by a bus on Dancer, saw another bus on Dancer, got stopped by another bus in Thornton Farms, and I may have seen yet another. Even though I got a ten minute late start, we ended up at school ... oh. Fifteen to twenty minutes early.

As always, I started and finished my chemistry prelab in the lab before class with Tom and Chris. Ahmed slunk in fifteen minutes late, but Professor Dunbar let him in anyway. When it came to lab, Ahmed and Chris paired up, and Tom and I worked together. We all still greatly collaborated though. We're a little chemistry team.

I don't know why I just now noticed this, but Tom is an extremely sarcastic man. Good golly - I can actually call the guys I meet men now. Huh. But half the time I had to look at him until I realized he wasn't serious. Thankfully sarcasm doesn't offend me at all. When we were talking in lab, he mentioned his job. He works for Google. Apparently he's coming back to school so that he can find a better job. Which begged the next question - his age. It turns out he's 23 years old. I have to admit, I didn't expect that. I'm such a poor judge of age. Chris and I are fresh out of high school, and I knew Tom wasn't, but I thought he was just a year or so ahead of us.

Tom has nice arms, too. I brought up that I liked arms during lab, and Tom went off on women's eyebrows. So much money is put into making her eyebrows look nice and the guy just looks at her butt. Or something like that.

He didn't get it, though, and I wasn't going to explain. First of all, the reason I like arms is because of hugs and snuggling and shit. The girl gets held, not the guy. I can just imagine being held tightly and being warm and not alone. The feeling of being close to someone appeals much more to me.

I've always had a thing for arms, too, I think. I've mostly concentrated on my own ... and I like the tone. I like muscles and it's just that I really enjoy arms over most of anything else.

I also think that I've matured, um, sexually much more slowly than the average teen. Guys just didn't really matter to me at all. Like, sure, I've had crushes (hugely Tyler and Tiller), but those were distance things. I still needed most of my free time alone. I wasn't concerned with being "forever alone." I don't really know how to better explain it. I didn't let relationships dictate my life at all. I guess maybe I hadn't really found the people I could spend all my time with.

Abbi is seriously the first person I've been able to do that with. Even with Alyssa, that hasn't always been true. She's definitely a close friend, but we've had awkward moments before. Maybe Abbi's helping my social confidence.

Alright. I mentioned in yesterday's journal that I'd get to this topic. It took a while, but I got here.

I know I'm self-confident and my ego hasn't any qualms, but I've also always have social - not problems - but fears. When I was growing up, I just had a couple good friends. I could maybe get along with other people, but I only had a couple people. After that, when I moved to Dexter, I couldn't make new friends. I must have had social experiences that made me feel where I was not welcomed. When we got in social groups, I was quiet enough to be cast aside. Friedboy's existence didn't help, either. I inflicted my social fears onto him. I was too nice to actually tell him that I didn't just not like him, I wanted him out of my life. After that, I was afraid that other people often did that to me. The whole thing with Owen when I met him a year ago really made me realize this. Most people don't care about what you think. Most people in your life are concerned about what you can do for them. I often feel that people act nice when I'm around and then wish to never see me again. I fear that when people speak my name, negative things are attached.

I try not to let this get to me. I can fair well on my own and still like what I can do. It's just little social things.

Plus, I annoy myself sometimes. Kind of like "help, I've fallen and I can't get up," but "help, I'm talking and I can't shut up." I don't like my laugh, and society has taught me that my opinions are best kept to myself. I'm very often shot down, especially in my home, for believing or thinking differently. I have an odd - very dry - sense of humor. It's best that I just shut up and keep my own nose out of other peoples' business. If I'm not being talked to, I'm not a part of the conversation.

The thing is, I know I'm good at what I do. I know I'm smart, that I draw well, and my writing is superb and above average. I know I can be polite and do what is expected of me at school, work, or home.

I've learned these social fears are false, and Abbi specifically banishes them all away, but they still exist. When I talk to someone, I feel like I'm bothering them. But Abbi ... she has the same thing. I read her journals, and one of the last ones she wrote, she mentioned that I actually understand what she talks about. I know. I don't know if she realizes how deep this fear runs in me. It's getting better, and I feel like I owe a lot to her, but it still exists.

Also, a thing Abbi often brings up is that she doesn't want to be a burden to me. I listen to her problems and try my hardest to fix them with her. I text her when I fear she's going to do something that will hurt herself. I care so much for her, this isn't a burden. She helps me, too. Seriously, I rarely ever feel shitty anymore, and I think I owe a lot to her.

I didn't think interpersonal relationships like this could exist.

I'm going to jump back to Monday for a second, since it relates to this topic.

I texted Jeff during work - just a little conversational text - and he never replied back to me. Those dark fingers clawed at me and told me that Sunday didn't go well. He didn't like me after he actually met me. He didn't want to speak to me anymore.

I should have known the voices were lies, but even now I just wonder if they're not. Jeff continues to tell me that I'm cute. He still tries to get to know me even better. He gave me a warm hug. He did answer me eventually - both of our phones are bitches. I seriously wonder how many text messages are lost.

All I want to do is see him again, but for some reason this irrational voice tells me that Jeff wants otherwise. Sometimes it's impossible to tell the difference between that voice and a gut feeling. But I've only just begun listening to myself in that way.

I told Jeff about this insecurity, too. He knows it exists.

Funny thing is, I've only recently been telling people about this. I don't know if it was I was trying to hide my insecurities from others ... or myself. But that isn't my deepest fear. I've only brought that up to Olivia one extremely late morning. We were nearly asleep.

There are surface fears. Arachnophobia, acrophobia. Then there are my social fears. But those deep fears are fears most people tend to ignore.

I don't know how to explain it, but I'm going to try. I'm ... I don't want to. But I need to.

I'm a weak person. In my core, I feel like I'm just not strong. I really do let things get to me and hurt me. I don't have the drive to do half the shit I should. I think my procrastination and those social fears stem from this core ... thing. I put up a strong outside to cover this up. I don't tell people about it. Maybe they find it out.

But as I write this, I feel like it doesn't really apply to me anymore. I think now I have something to lift me up.

I have changed since then. I honestly feel like I have. And all this social change, I think it started with Abbi. She has helped me so much. Good golly.

Anyway, back to the lab with Tom. For some reason, we were the one pair out of everyone in the lab to receive an NaOH solution half the molarity of all the others. Since it was a titration lab, it took us twice as long to titrate the HCl or H₂SO₄.We were left alone with Dunbar doing our lab when everyone left. I discovered she's rather helpful, though.

Between lab and lecture, I ran into Jessica. We talked until I had to go off to class. We really don't talk enough.

I have concluded that lecture isn't about taking notes, but only performing calculations.

As explained in the beginning of last journal, I picked Abbi up from school. When I brought her home, I gave her an Izze since she's never had one before. I also fed her Skittles. Because Skittles.

Work was fucking slow again. Abbi and I were able to amuse ourselves rather well, but otherwise it was a boring night again. Erich and I had to do all the hit racks again for school lunches, but after Monday neither of us were in the mood. We finished two hit racks, but then Abbi ended up taking over. She finished them off for us. XD It was great.

Afterwards, I ended up taking Abbi home. I don't like saying goodbye to her. When I was leaving, we got into talking about her wishes to relapse a couple nights ago. As soon as I read a negative journal on her Tumblr, I immediately text her. Apparently I always know the right things to say to her, but I don't see how. I relate to her, because I have kind of been in that realm before, and I try and make her feel better. I told her that I don't want to see her in pain. It hurts me because that pain is awful.

When she wrote a journal that night, she explained how much my words got to her. It's weird hearing the other person's side and knowing how they think. But she reads my journal, too. Or did.

I left at ten, a self-given curfew due to the things we had to do. Instead of going home, I stopped at Busch's. I knew Olivia was working, so I stalked her down. I ended up staying at the store until close - after buying chocolate milk - and then drove Olivia home. But stayed in my car talking until one in the morning.

We got to talking about aliens. Olivia really believes in the supernatural, so she puts so much passion into her stories. Seriously, though, she is the only person that can scare me. I really, really don't get scared easily.

But we also talked about our boy problems. Right now, though, I see no problems for me. I want to spend more time with Jeff. Already.

Erich says Jeff is my soul mate. XD Granted, I have talked about him a lot since meeting him.

So, that's about all there  is to say. I wrote pages in my notebook.

I registered for classes for next semester today. I was so afraid I wouldn't get the classes I wanted, but only 1 seat was taken in General Chemistry II. I didn't look at my other classes, but I got into them. All five. General Chemistry II, Composition II, a webpages (HTML and CSS) class, Communication 100, and Intro to Sociology. It's only one credit more than what I got now, and none of the classes are mixed mode. I think. But this semester, I got everything down to just three days. I won't be able to work Wednesdays or Thursdays. I kind of feel bad about Thursday, but I don't really give a fuck.

I like college, though. Much better than high school.