Unreliable

I worked all day on Friday. Not quite. I opened up the place in the morning with Jess and got stuck with small dogs because I got there first. The fucking German Shepherd, Roxy, scattered literal shit all over the back side of her kennel. I had to scrub the entire side (it only takes a minute, but still) while she was outside. I hate that dog. Every German Shepherd we've boarded - Roxy, Eliza, Dakota - I've had major issues with, but I just hate Roxy. I want Abbi to get her dream dog, but I am definitely not fond of this breed. And they all walk creepy as hell.

Jess checked in dogs and did cleaning around the kennel as I knocked out playtimes. I got to walk my Trucker, play with Kodi, and throw a ball endlessly for Chancie. I love those dogs. A Shepherd mix, American Eskimo, and ... what is Chancie? Um ... I dunno. Huh. A fetch dog.

Jess and I pretty much had everything done by the time she left at two. I even took my two hour break and went home to eat lunch and take care of the rabbits. By the time Ashley showed up, there wasn't much to do. I helped her with dinners at five and left around six.

Tori was jealous of me. For getting to leave. But she was giving me shit all day, so all the sympathy I showed her was sticking out my tongue. She always asks me how Abbi's doing. That's kind of her. But I was sporting hickies on my neck and Tori kept telling me she couldn't look at me the same and then she couldn't stop staring at my neck. Heaven forbid I have physical evidence of my relationship.

On this topic, Thursday night I was outside with my mom for the last hour of Graham and Fletcher being there. I mostly had Dalilah in my lap because she's my snuggliest rabbit. At one point, my mom randomly yet passively told me that I had some crazy hickies on my neck. I didn't quite know how to react. She said it like it was no big deal, but she still pointed them out. A couple minutes later, she asked me if I was "bi or just gay." I stumbled through a few sounds before I could figure out how to answer her. I've kind of given up labeling my sexuality, yet I still explained to her pansexuality. That type of conversation didn't last long, but I did ask her how long she knew about me and Abbi later as we were making dinner. "I dunno. Three, four, five months," she answered. Even my mom knew Abbi and I were together before we knew we were a thing.

Abbi thinks it's weird and awkward that my mom knows. Unlike Abbi-mom-Andrea, though, my mom's okay with it. And if she's not, she won't tell us that we're not allowed to be together. Because really, it's not her place.

I don't remember what Abbi was doing Friday, but in the time between me getting home from work and her showing up, I had plenty of time to do shit ... but I didn't. I was tiredddd. Yeah. So. I know I watched "Cry Plays" Limbo with Joe, and we were still watching it when Abbi turned up. Abbi sat on my lap to watch it a bit, but that didn't last long. She ended up showing off LP, Califer, and Andromeda to both boys while I gathered shit together for the rabbit show. Eventually we ventured outside to pack up the rabbits. All the rabbits. The four Mini Flops in the four-hole. Soony, Typh, and Lilly in one three-hole. J, Laissez, and Pix in the other three-hole. And Jillian squished in the one-hole. We stacked them up on the porch, filled Zip's tires, and returned inside.

I know I fell asleep early. And I woke up at five and waited around, snuggled up to Abbi, until my alarm went off at six ... twenty? For some reason, I'm always so awake on rabbit show mornings. I got dressed, did hygiene things, and Abbi and I packed up the buns in the car.

It was extremely foggy for most of the way there. It was very scary driving in it sometimes. Didn't help that the Infected Mushroom CD Abbi brought made it feel as if we were going faster. Other than that, most of the drive was okay. I did get in an argument with a little Focus I came across. First, he was a lane cruiser and those people automatically annoy me. Second, he couldn't keep a constant speed. I know because I had cruise control on as much as possible. He didn't piss me off until I had to get behind him a couple times ... and every time he slowed down. Then when I moved into the correct lane because a) that's what you're supposed to do and b) I kind of wanted to get around him and go my speed, he sped up again. Soon, traffic got thick enough that I didn't want to deal with his assholedry, and I put some distance between us before going my typical 80. Yet he caught up with me and continued his antics. I lost my shit. I floored Zippity and put maybe a mile between us, weaving between the sparse traffic, going about ... 105? I didn't have to deal with him again.

When Abbi and I got to the show, the barn was already packed. We wandered around the barn a couple laps with chairs and Jillian in hand before we found a tiny spot for ourselves. We set up and fetched the rest of our rabbits.

Y'know how glad I am that we only signed up for one show? Very. Since Abbi and I have the top three most popular breeds between us, we were caught between the three tables at once. Most of the time we were at the Mini Lop table because every Mini Lop is in a different class, but I did spend time at the Mini Rex table a bit and Abbi hung out with the Dutch. Before the show, I registered Dalilah. We looked around at all the rabbits. We ran into Andrea, and not only did she try and sell Abbi a rabbit she doesn't want, but she forgot Soony's leg. At the end of the show, Abbi and I finally found the person I deposited for the carrying cage, and she forgot that. Abbi and I weren't happy.

We did get to head home at 11:30. That was cool.

We situated the rabbits when we got home and moved J down with Caj. They really don't like each other. Eventually my family left and Abbi and I had the house to ourselves. We watched Lilo and Stich and The Little Mermaid. We made dinner. We snuggled. We made each other so horny it wasn't even funny. And we watched an episode of Criminal Minds, but I couldn't keep my hands off of Abbi.

The two of us also put up a spider web in my hallway because we couldn't wait for Halloween. It's an awesome web. I love it.

One thing, though. A couple times throughout the night, I'd suddenly move my hands up in a quick movement, and my Abbi would flinch. In my book, that is the furthest thing from okay, and I don't think Abbi realizes how furious it makes me. It's not her fault and I will not let her believe that. I am not angry at her. It's classical conditioning. My girl has been slapped, hit, whatever enough that she's learned to move away to keep from feeling the pain. I am not okay with whomever caused this reaction. I can assume it's her mother. Abbi should not have dealt with the shit Andrea's brought into their lives: Tyler, the emotional neglect, substance abuse. But to hit her child?

I keep telling Abbi if she - or hell, Tyler - lays one finger on her, I'll be right there and we're getting her out of that house. Maybe my psychological assumption is false, but I don't think so. Abbi deserves a good life. Eighteen years of this shit is bullshit. As soon as I'm allowed, I will not tolerate it.

I should not have to assure my girlfriend that I will never hit her. Hurt her. She continues to tell me that I should, that she deserves it. No, honey. Life shouldn't be like that.

Unfortunately, I also know myself. Every time I promise her I won't hurt her, the back of my mind tells me that I am not capable of keeping that promise. Really, I don't think I am. I'm good at hurting others. I'm good at acting out without thinking. I have violent tendencies.

That scares me. It's a whole new fear. I can't be the one to hurt the girl I love so much. The girl I try so hard to help. I can't lose her.

We went to bed early Saturday night. Sunday morning I had to work again. With Daysie. I had to do small dogs again. Whatever. For the most part of the morning, Ashley and I got play times done. I walked dogs while she played with them inside because it was raining. I also took Daysie for a walk.

For a couple of the walks, all I could do was rant and yell about Abbi's situation. Because I finally feel secure in the fact that she's not leaving me, but I don't have the ability to banish her demons. Because she deserves to feel safe. For once.

And then I stepped on a baby turtle. I brought it inside with me and asked Ashley what kind of turtle she is. I determined it was a girl, yet named her Galileo. She's my turtle now. Abbi and I fell in love with her.

Around 11:30, I took my break and went home to my Abbi. When I showed up, her hood (Vander's hood) was open and she couldn't start him up. I ate lunch (breakfast) and "cuddled" with Abbi until we determined it was time to leave. We tried jumping Vander without luck, so I took her home. Got off Jennings road when I was supposed to be back at work. Down Parker and Pleasant Lake, I booked it. I think I went down the length of Pleasant Lake at 70. And I still made it back to work a little after two. I felt bad.

The pick-up office hours were kinda boring. I texted Abbi back and forth a little and wasted time during the rest of my free time. During the next hour, Ashley left and I cleaned kennels. Then I waited in the office for a late pick-up. On Tumblr. Even after they got their dog and cat, I didn't do much before I was on Tumblr again. Apparently I suddenly lost all will to be there. I could have swept and mopped. I could have given Daysie a bath. But no.

Roxy wasn't coming to the kennel door, as per usual, so stupid dog didn't go outside at 6:30 like everyone else. I hate that dog. And I was out by 7:00.

I returned home and did nothing.

I "slept in" until noon thirty Monday morning. I was actually pretty much up by nine. I didn't have my calculus class , so all was good. My breakfast was chips and sour cream because I didn't want to interact. Ich hab' schließlich für Abbis Decke alles das Gewebe Kampfstellung annehmen, zerteilen, und gefasselt. Ich hab' alle Woche das Vleis am meinem Stuhl gehabt, und Abbi bemerkt nicht. I took a shower and only got half-dressed as I cut up fabric for our quilt in anticipation of Abbi coming over. But five after three she called me and told me that Vander wouldn't start up and she was stuck at the bank. I put on some pants and left. We tried jump starting him and everying we know for half an hour before we gave up and I just took Abbi back home. And I continued cutting up all the fabric while Abbi pinned half blocks together. I got some of the blocks sewn before I gave up.

The intention was for me to drop Abbi off at band practice, but once I got there, I decided to stay. I mean, why not? I took a seat on the bleachers, grinned when my Abbi hopped across the field, and I'm still amazed at how quickly the band just organizes and starts playing without barely a cue. I guess I'm used to either individual work or partially disorganized filed hockey practices. Y'know, I used to more or less lead half the warm-up runs, much to my team's displeasure; they had to keep up with me.

The night did get quickly cold, but I dealt with it. I liked watched my Abbi too much and listening to Dr. Moore's quips for me to leave.

I will admit I was happy when the practice was over, however.

Mmm. And I have a vague understand of what Abbi's talking about when it comes to band now.

Yah. So.

I drove Abbi to her house to get clothes and pick up Galileo. Abbi-mom-Andrea kept popping into the room and talking to us. She's not keen on Abbi spending the night again. Because they had to tow Vander to Marc's this time. Which Abbi has to pay for, by the way. 'Cuz Abbi totally has the money. Yeah, but Abbi's going to spend the night today again, despite what Abbi-mom-Andrea thinks because I say so. And no way in hell am I driving her back there before I have to.

Though when Abbi and I returned home around ten, we didn't make the most responsible choices and stayed up 'till one touching and kissing. I got Abbi wiggly so bad. I like having that effect on her.

It took a while to get Abbi moving this morning, but once I did, I just rolled over in bed until she bugged me. We ate breakfast together and I took her to school. Without holding up traffic, I watched her retreat as long as I could.

I filled up Zip's tire when I returned home, tried and failed to find my check book, and surfed Tumblr until I had to leave. I left the house at ten after eight and still didn't make it to school until ten to nine. That does not amuse me. I usually leave the house about twenty after.

Physics class kicked me in the butt. It turns out that I forgot to write the physics "research" paper. I looked it up in the syllabus and he'll refuse late papers. Twenty points down the drain. Brittney asked me if I knew about the chemistry test ending today. No. I didn't get an email telling me about it. I didn't study. I also have a chemistry quiz over this weekend. Then Professor Fayaz handed out four labs due 15 October.

I almost started crying.

Y'know, because I can't control myself anymore. Have I ever mentioned that I hate whom I've become? I guess I usually keep that to myself. That's about it. Everything else just leaves my mouth, whether my opinion is warranted or not. Usually not. No one cares. No one wants to hear my patter.

I spent all of physics class writing this journal and studying for the chemistry test. So I'm only going to the German class to take the quiz, I'm taking my chem test, and I'm leaving to pick up Abbi.

Oh. Lookee that. Quiz time.