Self Control

There's no way I remember this weekend.

I worked at two on Saturday. I worked all day on Sunday. Monday I had calculus, as per usual. For once, I didn't go straight home to sleep. I mean, I went straight home. I just worked on cutting the fabric for our quilt until I went and picked up Abbi. We went to the quilt shop on Pinkney, and they had three - just three - flannel fabrics. We returned to my place until Abbi had to leave for band.

Tuesday I had a test in physics, and it only took me an hour to finish. Instead of waiting around for three and a half hours, I went home and worked on the quilt. Again. Abbi showed up two colors away from finishing.

Um. She had to go to work. I continued cutting the fabric. Then, once I finished that, I started pinning up the blocks. I had so many problems with my sewing machine, but I had most the kinks worked out by dinner time. So after dinner I sewed.

Partway through putting the actual blocks together, Abbi texted me and told me she was on phones and sticks again, but also Wes was giving her shit - not teasing - about the marks I left on her neck. I don't know where it came from, but I was furious. My hands shook so bad, I couldn't sew. I could barely pin together new blocks. I told her I'd come in and bitch him out. Not only for her, but for me as well. I went upstairs and filled my tires, fully intending to leave, but Abbi begged me not to. I went for a walk out back to try and calm myself down, though I also was waiting for just one good reason. I was still shaking from fury. She kept telling me she was fine, and slo told me that if I came in, she could lose her job. My response to that ... I forget. I was writing out of that anger. Her next text ... was that I was scaring her. I was on the smooth corner where South Trail turns into Rabbit Hole Trail. I started crying.

Oh ... Friday night. I need to cover that.

I don't want Abbi to afraid of me or for me. I'm not worth enough for her to be afraid for me. She has enough bullshit to deal with for her to be afraid of me. I'm getting her away from that!

That was my reason to finally listen to her. I should have listened to her right off the bat. She's my girlfriend. She matters more than anything to me. But at the same time, she down plays everything. She doesn't stick up for herself, nor does she ask for help. I told her I'm fighting for her and by golly will I do so.

We continued texting back and forth. I was searching for a reason to go in there despite her begging me not to. My anger was dissipating, albeit slowly. At one point, I was swinging, which I really only do when I'm frustrated and agitated I found, and replied tersely to Abbi and threw my phone. I didn't look to see where it went, but I heard it bounce off the wire on the chicken pen door, and I later found it almost two feet away from the door.

To fully calm myself down, I went back inside and worked on the quilt blocks. Abbi asked if she could come over - I dunno why; my answer will never be no - and showed up with one more block to go.

We both knew she had to leave at nine, but neither of us wanted it. Abbi suggested I just come over, and I thought she was kidding. Hopeful thoughts. We have a lot of them. As soon as i realized she was seriously serious, I packed my backpack for Wednesday and followed her home. I parked behind the bank briefly as she withdrew money for Vander - to pay him off. I followed her down Alpine for some reason, but turned down Third when she followed Broad to Huron. The best way would have been Central the whole way, but whatever. I ended up getting in front of her, despite going very slowly after I turned off Third, and lead the way to her house.

I left my backpack in the car. We had to make it less suspicious that I was there. Abbi-mom-Andrea demanded why I was there, sick as a dog, and Abbi told her that she needed help on her not-so-bio-but-chem homework. Ten after ten, Abbi-mom-Andrea said we had an hour. Yeah no. I was tired. I almost did fall asleep as Abbi took a shower.

I did help Abbi with a couple problems. She had an interesting "find how many grams of acetic acid is required to make 10L of a .1M solution." Easy stuff, but I don't think I explained it well. I feel bad. Because it's only simple conversions.

Not long after our hour was supposed to come to a close, we figured Abbi-mom-Andrea was in bed, and we went to bed. Unfortunately, neither of us really slept. Although I didn't move. All night.

I didn't get up until Abbi had to leave. Abbi-mom-Andrea and Tyler weren't up yet when we left and I still wonder if Abbi will get in trouble for my antics. She better not. I went straight to school. 23, until it merged with 14, was crowded, but I made it to school a half hour early.

After calculus, I waited around campus for three hours. I did the pre-lab work for the chemistry lab in less than half an hour ... and then I didn't know what to do. I tried surfing Tumblr, but the campus WiFi sucks right now. I started rereading Lila so that I can finish writing the gorram story. I continued writing the first chapter for New Nation, but I'm throwing it all out the window. I hate my writing. In the last half hour or so, I started a new chapter for a TMNT story I've had in mind a while. Cuz I need another TMNT story with Lila.

Lab wasn't too bad. I'm wary of the results my partner and I got, but I was redoing diddly squat. I just wanted to get home to my Abbi.

On my way home, the expressways were fine. I turned onto Marshall, got stuck behind someone going 20. I followed him down Parker to the high school at 40, maybe 45. I didn't have anyone hindering my way until halfway down Dexter-Chelsea. I got behind a truck refusing to go above 45 down Dexter-Chelsea and above 30 down the entire length of Wylie. I also followed him a bit down Island Lake at 40 tops, but passed him at 70 to get home.

Abbi was still out with the rabbits, taking care of them. I helped finish up watering them, gathered a couple things from my room, and we left. I went to the bank to deposit my check first. I filled up my tank. Then we went to the quilt shop off State. The lady there didn't have any fabric we wanted, but she told us of this place in Tecumseh that had a lot of flannel. So Abbi and I went. We got stuck behind slow-tards the way down 12 and the road between Tecumseh and Clinton.

We walked into the quilt shop four minutes to close, but the lady was so happy to help us, she stayed open for us. We got the majority of our fabrics from her as well as extreme advice to making our backing. She was awesome. Now Abbi and I only need three more colors.

On our way home, Abbi told me how tired she was. Enough so that she "kind of wanted" to just go home and snuggle. But she also felt bad that she said she wanted to go out on a date and then go back on her wish.

Now, I'm not going to tell her how much I figure I'll be hurting for money until the next pay check. I just spent $80 on fabric, and I'll need another $100-$150 for gas. I'll need to work on $110 for the next two weeks, though. With a rabbit show.

I made sure that Abbi made the decision and felt sound in it before I stopped bugging her. So the date I have planned is for another day.

Oh shit. Comics. I bought comics.

Mother fucker. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week. It actually is kinda scary.

Yeah. I did have to go downtown and pick up the comics, though. The Vault called me and told me I needed to or they'd have to drop me. It took me a couple times around a few blocks before I found a spot. But I parked, we walked to the Vault, and I got my comics. A lot of comics. And a comic or two turned up missing.

Then we went home and ate dinner. And then cuddled. And then made out.

Holy fuck. My body was fucking quivering, she turned me on so much. Since I had to avoid giving her more marks on her neck, I moved to her stomach and ribs, and then skipped up to her collar bone. I'm actually not sure how I didn't leave deep, dark marks across her clavicles. Like the one I left at the base of her neck. But she was touching me, her hands slid down my side, her fingers trailed below my tummy, she grabbed my legs and butt. I wasn't being subtle in telling her I wanted more. Not only that, but I wanted to give her as much as I can. But I know she's not comfortable. I'm being too pushy. I know this, but her hesitation and discomfort is palpable. I feel so bad. I feel guilty. She's blaming this on her. She's hurting herself over her obvious unreadiness. I don't want her - or need her - to do this. What I want does not come before her. I'm  not going to force her into something she doesn't want to do. Not prematurely - or ever if that's the case. She doesn't need me to or deserve anyone to do that.

Abbi tells me she doesn't feel safe at home. Not that she's afraid of someone physically hurting her. She doesn't need to feel unsafe or insecure around me.

I will exercise self control. I need to keep a tighter reign on myself.

Around nine, we both knew she had to go home. I didn't stay awake much longer after I learned she was safe and back in her room.

That all being said, I should elaborate on Friday. I promised Abbi I would go to the football game to watch her, so I did. I found the Johnsons while we walked to the football field, so I fell in step beside them and chatted. We made it to the teacher's parking lot next to the field when the band started playing. The White Stripes. "Seven Nation Army." Mmm. Field hockey memories. But I also realized I didn't have money for a ticket. Pete ended up paying for me. Though I'm positive I could have gotten in without one. I'll keep that in mind for the senior show.

After the band finished and later started filing into the stands, I sought out Abbi to give her the jacket she left in my car. I patiently waited, somewhat getting into the football game, until the half time show. Pete and Amy asked me which one was Abbi and I pointed her out. And I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I never can.

I tried to make it through the third quarter. But it's still a boring game, it had started to rain before halftime, and I knew Abbi didn't have a rain jacket. I found her again, had people pass up my "rain" coat to her, and made it to my car. I drove to the high school and read in the next hour and a half I waited.

The entire time I waited, I was fine. I was horny and wiggly. I kept thinking about my Abbi. But the last chapter I read, my head immediately took a turn for the worst. I don't quite ... no. I'm reading Nevermore. I got to the chapter where Dylan was freaking out because he saw Max and Fang together, but his thought process ... was terrifyingly similar to what I know and fear.

Thankfully, Abbi showed up during the chapter and I just had to finish it up.

We went to my place to drop off Vander and then we went to her house to pick up clothes. Tyler caught us up in conversation and pissed me right off. First, he said he picked Abbi out of the band because of her "bubble butt." He continued talking about how if Abbi dressed in more flashy clothing, she could show off her figure. I've though along those lines before, but I know how Abbi is uncomfortable with her body. And, not only that, but isn't Tyler supposed to be a father-figure to her? I mean, he's obviously not, but he shouldn't be commenting about his "step-daughter" in that way. Before we left, he was talking about Abbi's and Abbi-mom-Andrea's boobs. No. If I wasn't struggling with keep Abbi close because of those two, I would have gone off on him then and there.

We were also talking about Abbi's doctor appointment ... Monday. What I wrote for Monday did not happen Monday. But anyway, Tyler was picking on her and was trying to tell her it was because she was doing physical work again and couldn't tolerate the pain. Excuse me, mother fucker. This girl deals with pain I cringe and cry about without a whimper. This is her fucking body. She never would think about seeking help if it wasn't crippling. With a lot of persuasion, on top of it. Do not tell Abbi she is weak, you worthless, alcoholic dumb fuck with petty problems and uncalled-for, abusive anger. You're the one hiding behind a facade of a perfect family. We all hide, but Tyler doesn't have the strength to hide behind himself. He doesn't have the strength to keep from dragging down a broken family. Fuck off.

I had to temporarily leave the room before I lost it. Tyler thought it was because I was afraid for Abbi's condition.

I was glad when we left, but my mood didn't brighten.

Y'know, on the way over to Abbi's house, a fucking break-happy idiot pulled in front of me on Dexter-Pinkney. I rode his ass down the length of the rainy road. Abbi and I were nearly silent. Near North T, I suddenly shouted out with anger. I made Abbi jump so hard. I scared my Abbi.

I'm not supposed to be that person for her. I'm supposed to be her safety.

I cried to myself on the way down Jennings. Abbi jumping at the sound of my voice, on top of my reckless driving mirroring the way I drive when I don't care if I don't make it home ... she shouldn't have to deal with that. Least of all from me.

SONG OF THE DAY: Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man) ~ Styx