Girlfriend

I left off Sunday. Okay. Let me see if I can continue.

So I wrote that I had enough time to eat dinner and start changing the two burn out bulbs in my room. By the time I found replacement lights, Abbi texted me and told me that she was getting out of work shortly. Because Vander needed to be dropped off at Marc's by Monday morning, I was meeting Abbi there Sunday night to drive her around. She was already there when I  pulled up. We both briefly searched for a drop box for her keys, since it would have been after hours even on a week day, but we couldn't find anything at the front of the building. Giving up, I took Abbi to her house.

It didn't take a lot of convincing Abbi-mom-Andrea to let me bring Abbi home and let her stay the night so that I could take her to school in the morning.

Differentiating night from night is going to be hard. But I'll try. Because Sunday night we didn't go straight to bed, but talked. I finally told her about the nasty thought that shot through my mind's eye a couple weeks back. It took me so long to tell her, and I could see it over and over out of guilt. Not that I initially had control over the thought. Before I could get all of it out, I just started bawling. It was a frightening thought to begin with; to say it out loud was scarier. But I needed to let it go. I needed to tell her. And the thing is, I don't want to die, but at the time a part of me wanted to do it.

Later, I asked questions of Abbi about her cutting. I don't even know why. I should have kept my mouth shut. It wasn't important. But I asked her why she relapsed in March and I asked her about how she started ... and I sent her off into a bad mood. She said something about how she regretted starting - cutting in the first place - and how big the regrets were. I replied by saying we all have regrets, but unable to come up with something as grave as hers, I told her story after embarrassing story. Once her mood picked up again, I think she enjoyed it a little too much.

I still wish I can remember some of the bigger things. I guess I could have explained in detail about how I get when I'm angry or depressed. In or out of the car. I've told her briefly about that, but I've never fully explained too much.

When I punch things, I initially want to break things. Myself. I want to hurt myself so bad, the pain will carry on for weeks. I want to break my hands. I want to bleed.

When I drive, I don't want to be safe. I don't care if I lose control. I don't want to make it back home. In the worst of it, I want to crash and die at the hands of Zip.

It's probably a good thing I didn't say these. It's bad enough I told her about that awful, violent thought. I don't need to switch the pity to me. That's manipulative and low. I don't want to be that person. I'm not the one to worry about it. It's good I took the direction I did. As long as I help her. That's all I want to do.

The two of us did eventually go to bed. I feel bad for keeping her up. I had one class to go to, and then I came back home and slept before picking her up. Abbi does so much.

Oh. I guess I had my chemistry quiz after calculus that I had to take.

But Monday ... we went fabric shopping for her quilt after I picked her up. We went to the Jo-Ann's on Ann-Arbor-Saline first and got some fabric. Now I'm kind of glad we didn't get a whole lot from there. I also picked up batting and thread. Abbi looked for yarn, but couldn't find what she was looking for. We also checked out the Jo-Ann's on Carpenter without luck. I called Mom and asked if she could help us with our search. She told us about a place off State and a place on Jackson. The shop off State was closed, but the quilt shop on Jackson was beautiful. It had so much gorgeous fabric ... but only a small selection of flannel. Still, Abbi and I found half the fabric for the quilt.

After we found everything there, Abbi pointed out how expensive the flannel was. I brushed it off, though; we need it. We also found someone that can machine baste the quilt when I'm finished and picked up a couple pointers from actual quilters. I liked that place.

We returned home in time to cook and eat dinner. Then it was off to band practice for Abbi. I watched.

I lost her for so long at first, when they started practicing one of the songs. I searched and searched for her the entire, like, half hour right block was having issues. I eventually did find her. In the trumpet section. Who'd'a thunk?

I like watching her march. I don't even know how to explain everything. I can explain that I like her body, as I've said numerous times. The way she holds herself with her trumpet ... I dunno. it's hot.

By the end of practice, I was freezing, but that's okay. Once I found my Abbi, I had fun watching her.

At one point, Dr. Moore called the entire band to the front of the bleachers to listen and suddenly I was smack in the center of their attention. Of course that's not true, but it sure felt like it. Almost two hundred people had their focus above my position. I hid in my coat, more or less.

As soon as the drum majors dismissed the band, I got up from my spot, walked across the bleachers, hopped around the guy that suddenly stopped in front of me, and jogged to where Abbi still had her stuff. I bounced as I waited for her. Despite her telling me she wouldn't run, I took off in the direction of Zip in a run and Abbi kept pace. I don't even know how. I wasn't going particularly slow and she had Nameless to carry.

We weren't able to get out of the parking lot very quickly. Kids don't load very quickly into cars.

Why do I call high schoolers kids? They're finally to the point this year where it shouldn't be possible for them to be older than me. I bet last year, the graduating class of 2013, half of them were older than me. When I could claim smarts, that used to make me proud. But anyway, even though they're younger than me now, I'm still 18 and I'm dating a high schooler, I continue to call high schoolers kids.

Y'know, I also told Abbi yesterday that I used to find it weird that high schoolers dated college students. Or, at the very least, high school graduates. And now I'm a year out of high school and I'm with a high school senior. Now it's not weird. I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I just keep finding myself wishing we went to the same school and walk the same hallways, hand-in-hand if we wish. Now I write it, it seems silly, but it's a reoccurring thought.

I don't remember what we did after band practice, though. I feel like this is the night we didn't watch Supernatural and just went to bed, but now that it's written I wanna say that was Tuesday night.

I do know Tuesday morning, my alarm went off, I reached across Abbi, turned it off, and kind of just rolled over as Abbi got ready for school. Once she was dressed and claned, she prodded me into motion to go eat. I complied, albeit slowly.

With breakfast finished, I didn't even bother to get dressed before I drove her to the high school. I dropped her off, then drove back home, set my alarm to quarter after eight and pretty much just laid in bed until it went off. Within the next ten minutes, I got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair, put on deodorant, and left for class.

I left a little later than I should have. A massive traffic jam had west-bound at a complete stop from the mile marker before Baker until well past Zeeb, but east-bound was clear. Well, except for the traffic circle. I was, like, a minute late to physics.

For the first time since the second day, I finally understood what was going on. I even answered a problem correctly before anyone else ... and didn't get a point like everyone else because I answered an odd problem with the answer in the back of the book. I wasn't happy about that.

Between physics and German, i thought I'd hang out with Cara for the hour or half hour or whatever, but Darrell found me first and told me she was asleep on a friend's lap. So Darrell thought he could "steal" me again. He told me he was contemplating buying me season eight? is it now of Supernatural and ohmydear does this guy not take a hint. I even told him - more in passing, however - that I have a girlfriend.

I don't have enough balls to flat-out tell him to go away.

I didn't really  pay attention to German class. I worked on the last journal more. Eventually, I got so bored of it, that I started complaining to the girl sitting next to me and she told me that I could just leave. I knew everything anyway.

I mean, throughout the class, we were working with things in the book and work book, and every time the professor called on me, it took me a couple seconds to gain my bearings, and then I answered everything correctly until he told me to stop. And then I didn't pay attention again.

About twenty to three, I decided to take ... Sabrina's? advice. I mumbled about how picking up my girlfriend was more important, and left. The professor kind of panicked and listed off a hoard of things to remember, but whatever.

It felt good to leave the class early. Unfortunately, it didn't feel god to get stuck in traffic at the same place there was a jam that morning on 94. The entire road was blocked off, and three lanes of traffic had to merge to the inside shoulder. I texted Abbi and told her I was stuck, and then I waited and jammed to the "sing-along jams" CD I burnt. Turns out that it was an accident involving a tanker that they were cleaning up.

Quarter after three, I ended up at the high school and picked Abbi up.

Poor girl is having a lot of pain in her midsection area and we don't know why. We curled up on my bed for a while, me holding her in hopes of the pain leaving, but it wouldn't. Around four Abbi said that we might as well watch Supernatural. So we did. And then Abbi had to go to work. Still in pain.

She used my clothes since we didn't make it to her house. I dropped her off, returned home, and I don't know what I did. Nothing useful, I'm sure.

She texted me to tell me that she was done around eight, so I left and picked her up. She was sitting on the bench waiting for me. Jake was also there. He bought himself a pizza. We waved to each other a couple times before I brought Abbi to her house.

We didn't spend a lot of time there. Abbi packed her marching band uniform, a couple days of clothes, and some things for the tarantulas. Then we went back to my place.

Abbi struggled with getting Andromeda into a smaller container so that she could clean her tank. I tried helping, but I wasn't doing much. At one point, Andromeda was trying to get away from Abbi's tweezers, and fell from the ceiling. We freaked out. She's not a cheap spider.

We gave up briefly, but what we did in that time, I dunno. Abbi eventually did get Andromeda, more or less safely, into the smaller container.

Which brings me to yesterday morning. Um.

Calculus class wasn't so easy. Well, it's easy, but confusing. Figuring out the cross-section shapes of 3-D equations is easy. Matching those three cross-section shapes to a 3-D figure is complicated.

I thought that I left class at ten, but I ended up in the Scrap Box's parking lot about five after ten, and it's not a five minute drive to there. The Scrap Box is the quilt shop off of State that was closed Monday. It was supposed to open at ten, but for the twenty minutes I was sitting in their parking lot, people went in and out of the building - obviously not customers - and all their closed signs were up and their open signs out. They've lost me as a potential customer for this.

Irritated, I left their parking lot and took State to Michigan Ave to see if I could find the quilt shop in Ypsi off of the road. I got stuck in construction traffic for the longest time and couldn't find it.

When I returned home, I meant to fill up the tires in the Milan, but Mom had the kids outside so I couldn't. So I went to my room and sort of slept until four.

I wasn't in the best of moods until after dinner. But even as grumpy as I was, I took care of the rabbits and gave them all individual attention. Whopper, for the past couple days, has somehow been getting out of his hutch, and I don't know how. But Cashmere seems to be leaving him alone, so it's okay.

After dinner, I got into a cleaning mood. I thoroughly cleaned the bathroom and threw the towels, rug, and curtains into the wash. I cleaned Jules's cage. I picked up all the bottles around my room. A part of my told me to clean up my artist's corner, but I instead worked on my mom's fingerless gloves. I got halfway done with the second one when the clocked changed to the time I decided to leave to pick up Abbi from the high school - and she texted me to tell me they were leaving.

I filled up Zip's tire first and waited in the high school parking lot. Abbi was later than initially planned due to some bus troubles. And I was texting Nicole.

When the buses pulled into the high school, I started shouting happily in German. I don't even know why. And then I waited for her to show up. And still waited. Other kids meandered into the parking lot, but it took a while for Abbi to find me. In full uniform - minutes the hat. I still think it's sexy.

I just think Abbi's sexy.

Even though Vander was finished, and Abbi-mom-Andrea had paid for and left the keys in him, I took Abbi home. She undressed out of her uniform and took a shower in my squeaky clean shower.

I popped popcorn in the time she took her shower, and continued working on my mom's glove. After Abbi was clean and dressed, we ate the popcorn and watched yet another episode of Supernatural. And then proceeded to not go to bed.

Although, not even a minute after we stopped talking, Abbi fell asleep and started softly snoring. More than usual, too. She'd get embarrassed and apologize if I told her, though. I don't mind. She doesn't snore loudly or for very long.

This morning I turned off the alarm, poked Abbi until she could think, and rolled over. She was having none of my shit. I had to help her sit up because of her pains, but I curled up in the middle of the bed and dozed as she got ready.

I did get up and eat breakfast with her before I took her to school, though. And returned home and laid in bed until I had to get ready to go.

I'm leaving German class at 2:30 regardless of whether or not the professor is done with the lecture to pick Abbi up and get Vander.

Part of me doesn't want Abbi to have Vander back because then we have to sleep alone and fight her mom again. A hundred forty-three more days. That part of me is the selfish part of me, though. Maybe we can work something out with her. But I doubt it.

This week has been brilliant. I don't want things to go back to the way they've been.

And it's not like Abbi can afford him right now either. $515 to fix him. That's ridiculous. And I'm willing to bet Abbi's not going to get any help from her mom to pay for him. She'll be expected to pay it off. Quickly. And I can't help Abbi financially again.

And I want to move out? Where we have to pay for everything? Ugh.