Regression

Ever feel like a whining brat? I really hope my future self reading this journal can't relate. Because I have the emotional coping skills of a small child. It's only when things get rough that I re-realize this, but I hate myself more every time I do. My passive-aggressive tendencies come out full-fledged. My mind regresses a decade. I fucking throw a fit worthy of a toddler. All rationality is thrown out the window.

What is my sniveling going to get me? Absolutely nothing good. My argument loses all merit and respect. Everything I tried so hard to work on goes backwards.

I don't usually hate myself this much. But I hate my coping mechanisms and the way I handle tough situations. I hate that about myself so much. I handle myself and fancy myself logical, witty, and talented until shit goes down and then not only am I fighting the problem, but the whole world and myself. I can't work things out because of this simmering disgust with my actions and thoughts, and my distrust of my own judgement.

Last night all I could do was impatiently wait for the heavy feeling on my back to go away. It didn't. It turned on me. I pouted, I cried, I whined to Abbi. She doesn't need this from me. I have no feasible reason to regress back to childish means and act like a self-important, over-privileged bitch. All my old arguments against myself come back. I'm self-centered. I'm selfish. I don't know how anyone puts up with me. I'm weak. I'm annoying. Good golly, I just keep coming back to how self-centered and annoying I am. How childish and stupid I get. When things don't go my way.

I whined via text to Abbi last night, more or less watching Prison Break. I didn't have a coherent pattern to what I was saying to her, either. I babbled. I basically unraveled when I don't even have reason to. That is unacceptable of me. I'm so stupid. Always so stupid. In many, many ways.

Before I went to bed, I looked up ways to get Abbi out of her house. I've, like, triple verified that it's not a simple thing until she's 18. As soon as she turns 18, however, she may live wherever she wants. No extra legal work like my mom suggested.

Did I mention that Abbi and I are getting the feeling that Abbi's overstayed her welcome by my parents? My mom knows Abbi's situation at her place. I will not tolerate my Abbi feeling like an outcast within my own family. My mom and I will be having a very stern talk, because this is not okay in the slightest. I guess it makes sense, but ...

Mother fucker. It's the whole self-centered, self-righteous thing again.

Fuck I hate myself.