Stressors

This journal will be a journal that I originally post on Tumblr. That doesn’t happy, okay?

I already wrote about this morning, but I’m doing it again.

Everything was actually fine until I got to school. Before physics class started, a couple of my classmates were talking about which sources they used for the paper. It occurred to me in a flash that I had totally forgotten about the physics paper due that day. It was a relatively simple paper, too. Four pages - three of those diagrams and examples - explaining the conservation of energy. Professor Fayaz told us that it didn’t have to be in any particular format, just so long as we had everything cited. I could have done it in an hour or two and done it in perfect MLA format in an actual research essay sort of way. But I forgot about it. And, I looked in the syllabus, and he doesn’t accept late work. Which means that I’m down 20 points in my quiz grade, which is weighted fifteen perfect I think? I already failed every single quiz he’s handed out. Did exceptionally well on the test, at least, but I’m pretty sure that’s its own category.

Then, Brittney, the girl that sits next to me and shares my chemistry class, asked if I’d taken the chemistry test yet. I did a double-take. Apparently a test started up Friday and ended today. But she didn’t email us about it, as per usual. I would have taken it today if I knew about it, but at least I would have studied for it. I don’t study, but I usually attend class. I’m not attending this chemistry class because I’d already taken it and just failed it.

Instead of paying attention in physics class, which is the only class where I do need to pay rapt attention to, I studied for chemistry and wrote my previous journal of today. Except that I’m not posting that journal on Tumblr because it doesn’t need to exist here. I only knew half of what was going on in the review that Brittney shared with me. One thing that really catches me is orders, and especially half lives. Orders made sense last semester, vaguely, and I never understood how to calculate half lives according to order. And I didn’t get to study for it. Again.

Yeah, and then Professor Fayaz handed out four labs, all due on 15 October. That wouldn’t really be a problem, but he doesn’t give us class time to work on them. We have to find our own time to conduct the experiments and write up a lab. Thankfully, I think lab grades are lumped with my quizzes and papers, and I do do well on bullshitting those labs. Because I’m really not going to put a lot of effort towards them. That’s pointless. At the time, however, four labs due in half a month was tipping me over the iceberg. I don’t know why I struggled so hard not to cry.

On top of all this, I tried balancing my checkbook this morning after I took Abbi to school and I went to school myself and can’t find it. I probably misplaced it, but I fear that I actually lost it. That would be my luck. I really need to know how much money I have, though, because I’m at almost a quarter tank of gas, and I still have to drive to and from school tomorrow, to school and work and home Thursday (I’m not coming home between school and the work meeting at seven to save on gas), and I’ll need to drive to work on Friday to pick up my pay check and deposit it. The absence of money for everything I needed done these past couple weeks has been a huge weight on my chest. I’ve been trying not to express that to Abbi, but I’ve been failing.

After the lecture in physics, I guess professor Fayaz gave the class time to conduct some of the experiments for the labs, but I needed out of there. I found Cara and Fridge and hung out with them, got a drink even though I don’t have the money for it and ran into Eric. I talked to him for a bit, and eventually made my way up to the top floor of the Student Center building.

I pulled out my chemistry lab that’s technically due tomorrow, and for the second time today, I couldn’t figure out how to do any of the calculations. Now I know why I didn’t turn in this lab last time. I can’t figure out how to do it. I quickly gave up and turned to writing my journal again.

The professor started up class and told us our quiz right away today, for which I was grateful. I don’t think I fully understood what he was asking of us, but I bullshitted it all, turned it in, and waited around an extra fifteen minutes for no apparent reason.

I knew I had to pick Abbi up at the high school around three o’clock, so I allotted myself an hour to do my chemistry test. I barely understood what I was doing the entire time. I’m hoping for a C or better. I just don’t know what I was doing. The equations she gives us make no sense to me and I don’t know how to differentiate the zero order from the first or the second.

Twenty after two, I just turned in my test without a second thought because I didn’t know if I did anything right. I immediately left to pick up Abbi and brought her home.

First thing we noticed was that Galileo, our newly found turtle, was missing out of her “tank.” We spent a good chunk of time searching around my room and then the other bedroom and family room for her, but to no avail. I just gave up and suggested we watch Criminal Minds because I didn’t want to think anymore. I needed a refill for snacks halfway through, went upstairs and asked my mom if she knew where my turtle went. She wasn’t happy.

Near the end of the episode, she came downstairs and demanded if I found Galileo yet. I had my back turned to her the entire time; I just wanted her out of my room. She asked Abbi if she had her car back yet … again, and both Abbi and I picked up on the annoyance in her voice. Abbi-mom-Andrea pointed out that my mom sounded a little PO’d when she talked to her about Abbi not having a car earlier at some unknown time, and neither of us believed her. Until today. We’re going to have a talk about that, because there is no way we’re letting her give Abbi-mom-Andrea ammunition. I will fight all the fights against everyone before I lose my Abbi.

Y’know, once I can regain my own footing. So far it’s not looking so hot.

After my mom left my room, I locked the door behind her again despite her getting annoyed at me for doing so, and snuggled up with my Abbi until the episode ended. Then I just cried in her arms until she had to leave.

I dropped her off at work, barely said good-bye, and slowly … slowly made my way home. If it were up to me, I’d be going 80 down every street to get home. But I got stopped by a train going walking speed. Then I got stuck at a red light behind a van that didn’t know how to blinker. Then I got stopped at the red light at Island Lake and Dexter-Pinkney. Finally I had my way. Well, I kept myself at 60. I cried a good portion of the way home.

I don’t know exactly what my problem is, but I don’t feel good. I feel like shit. I don’t want to eat with my family tonight. Even though it’s pork chops. I don’t want to deal with people. And I don’t get my Abbi back tonight because she has Vander back again. Though now she owes her mom around … $900 for him? and there’s no way she’s getting that money with that fucking job. Her mom’s going to demand it as soon as Abbi has the money, too. That’s not okay. Maybe you should learn to, I dunno, parent, bitch. Fuck her. Beat her to a fucking bloody pulp and leave her quivering, waiting for death with no hope of recovery. I don’t not think highly of that fucking cunt.

I dunno. I kind of just want out of my life right now. I’ve reached my breaking point again. And most of it is self-inflicted.

As.

Per.

Usual.

I hate myself.