Bye-Bye Puddin Pops

I didn't get very far with much yesterday. As soon as I started getting ready to clean my bathroom, my mom asked me if I would babysit Ben, and I told her that I could. I mean, I wasn't going to bed despite getting only two hours of sleep, so what else could I do? We pretty much watched TV the entire time. I wanted to do my laundry, but Mom had some sheets soaking in the washer for some reason and I didn't know what she wanted done with them. And, since Ben was upstairs, I didn't think it was a particularly good idea to go downstairs and clean the bathroom and leave him without supervision. I did go out and take care of my rabbits during a lull in the rain, and eventually I did decide to go downstairs and clean anyway. I could watch some of the cartoons Ben did, but good golly they're so awful now.

I just got my shower clean and was cleaning myself when Mom came home. After my shower, I finished cleaning the rest of my bathroom and now it's all clean and awesome. It's not that clean that often, okay? It's a very sad truth.

After I got myself and my bathroom clean, I decided I better work on my government homework, because I didn't have much other time to do it. I think I read through it and got half a paragraph done before I looked down at the time and realized I had to leave for work. I wasn't in that bad of a mood until I walked in.

Immediately, Ralph asked me if I could close for Wes that night because Wes had come in early, and I told him that I really had planned on not closing. And, for some reason, for the next hour I had to fucking fight back tears.

Wes came up to me and told me that I didn't need to be angry because I didn't have to close for him and he'd be fine if I couldn't do it, and as he continued talking I couldn't hold back the sobs anymore. It hurt, holding them back to prevent the least amount of noise as I could, but I swear my eyes were fucking rivers. Wes eventually left me to my own devices again, and Kayla came up to me, patted me on the shoulder, and then demanded a hug. It felt good that she cared about me like that, and she really did try to cheer me up, but I don't know what it was. I really, really don't. I don't have a reason as to why I broke down like that. I don't do that, man.

Matt asked me if something was wrong before Wes had the little one-sided chat, and all I could do was shake my head that I was no alright. Because, for some reason, I wasn't. But after Kayla's hug and I employed some old meditation breathing help and got myself semi back under control, all I could think about was how I wanted my Abbi there and how we were going to get out of work and snuggle. Before I remembered that the meditation breathing would work, I tried thinking to myself, "Butterflies and rainbows. I like rainbows." Not ... that I really do like rainbows. I'm just relaying the thought into words.

When Abbi finally did walk in through the door - much earlier than she had to be - I barely said anything. Didn't look at her. I should have been so happy to see her, but I couldn't muster it. Gradually, throughout the night, my mood did improve, but now I think I can blame it on how tired I was. I opened the energy drink I bought myself before coming into work, and I feel like as soon as I took a sip of that I was on the track to a better mood.

Y'know, as the night went on, poor Dumb was having many issues, so I randomly decided to dice tomatoes for him. The dicer broke, so I had to have Ralph help me put the dicer together, but I did do all the tomatoes that Dumb needed. The kid helped me so much throughout the night after that, too. He seriously did appreciate that. Can't blame him, though. He was having a crap night.

Then, y'know what I got for my good deed? Wes let Kayla go and made me finish hit racks with him. And we got a mini rush. I was so angry. I was loopy because of how tired I was, but I was still pissed off. It's possible.

Though somehow Abbi and I managed to get off at the same time, so she followed me home. Because I was bringing her to the rabbit show the following morning.

We watched the final two episodes of season two of Supernatural, as is kind of our norm. I was still exhausted from not getting sleep the night before, but I couldn't let Abbi hang on that cliff hanger forever. Then we settled down to sleep, and of course didn't. We snuggle, we talk, and we giggle. But last night, for whatever reason, I couldn't keep my calm. I kept just ... crying. She'd bring up something, I'd get emotional and I have no idea why. She was talking about how she didn't feel like dying anymore, though, and ... I actually made a difference in someone's life. And ... and I'm important to someone and I have someone so fucking important to me. Seriously, I can't really imagine a future without Abbi anymore. I mean, I've had fantasies about futures with other people, but with Abbi it's real and it's happening. It's just a huge difference as to how I perceive this. And we also brought up how we just want to show each other every aspect of our lives and we want to know so badly. And ... and we just want to kidnap each other to go explore and re-explore.

I just fucking love my Abbi, alright? I've never had someone like her in my life and she's really, really special to me.

The turkeys are right outside my window. Scared the shit out of me when they gobbled.

But anyway, I have mentioned how I never really liked touching people or cuddling or found the idea fanciful? Abbi's the only one. Ever. She's the only person I've connected with in this way. Ever. Hell, I don't think I thought it was possible.

But ... but she doesn't want to die. And she told me she wanted to leave her tin behind on the road trip. It doesn't mean she's totally fine now - far from it - but the fact that she said this and wants to take this step ... there were some nights I didn't think I'd see her alive again, alright?

It was a great night of snuggling and seriously talking deep last night. We kind of just poured our feelings out to each other. I know I didn't hold back, and I don't think I've even done that with Olivia. Sure, I have an uncanny ability to not shut my mouth, but I wanted and needed Abbi to know this.

Unfortunately, instead of falling asleep, I pulled out my vow of honesty I signed in my own blood, we bugged Jules, and we went on a water run. I set my alarm for six o'clock, and I don't think we settled down until four. And it was lightening-ing outside. Really bad. Lit up my entire room even with my curtains shut. I don't know why, but I think it was the only time I've freaked out over a thunderstorm.

Lots of "I don't know whys" this journal. Though I'm thankful none of it pertains to Abbi and my feelings toward her.

I told her last night that I didn't mean to say that I liked her because I had doubts over myself. But then it just came out, scared me shitless for a few seconds, and I'm grateful that I said it. So grateful. Sure, we have Bethany seething after us, but we're happy, and that's what matters.

Abbi brought up today that Bethany shouldn't be this angry over it - and should have no right. And I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but she's right. What Abbi and I have is a relationship and ... it's between us and only us. If Bethany is jealous of me, too fucking bad. Besides, friends don't make friends feel guilty.

We didn't do a whole lot of talking on the way up to the show. I was running on four hours of sleep for the second day in a row and I didn't want to bother Abbi if she wanted to sleep. Zoning out kind of helps sometimes.

We got there a little less than an hour early, so we decided that since we were so hungry, and we were so early, that we'd continue driving around a bit until we found a McDonald's for breakfast. I drove through a part of Corunna and Owosso and back to Corunna before I found what we were looking for. Got my caffeine for the morning, too. Not that I usually require caffeine.

I kind of felt bad for Abbi the entire time we were at the show. Most of the time I wasn't even in my seat because I was standing around the judges' tables waiting for my rabbits' turns. It was a specialty show, so there were only really Mini Lop, Holland Lop, Mini Rex, Standard Rex, and Netherland Dwarfs today. And yet I couldn't find a Mini Rex I wanted to replace Puddin.

I signed up all four rabbits I brought - Millie, Bee, Peaches, and Puddin - for all three shows, and by golly was it hectic at one point. I was at the table with Peaches and Bee, but at the same time I was watching the Mini Rex table for Puddin's class to be called. Puddin's class and Millie's class got called at the same time. And, while that was going on, another judge started the third show for the Mini Lops partway through the second show and Peaches and Bee were being called across the barn all over again. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Far less amusing than one would think, by the way.

And poor Abbi, she just sat in one of the chairs we brought, did homework or wrote a journal. I'd visit her when I could, but I felt like I just abandoned her for the day. I did get some of the bracelet I started for Nicole an embarrassingly long time ago done, at least.

Right after the first show for Mini Lop and Mini Rex, I hung out with the carrier of four rabbits and Abbi for a while, and I decided to throw the for sale sign for Puddin on top of the carrier just to have it up. I didn't expect her to sell. Well, one person came up, asked about her, admitted she didn't know too much, asked for some outside help, and we struck a deal. She bought Puddin from me - along with J's papers for the hopeful babies - for twenty-five dollars, and threw in a dollar for the sleeve I had my rabbit stuff in. So I sold Puddin for four dollars less than I bought her for. I told her that, too, that I was trying to get my money back from her and that she didn't really fit in with my breeding program. And, on top of that, I get first pick of the bunnies she should have. So if there's a broken lynx doe, it's fucking mine. But I don't have to deal with getting rid of all the bunnies.

Abbi and I waited around for a while for the third Mini Rex show to be called, but eventually we both decided we were too tired, found the person that bought Puddin from us, handed her over, and we left. It was so weird not having Puddin with me. She's been my main show rabbit - as poor as she is - for a long time now. All I left with was three Mini Lops - the three I came with. I usually leave rabbit shows with at least one more rabbit, not leave it with one less rabbit.

Instead of taking 52 back down, Abbi said that she wouldn't mind taking back roads, so that's just what we did. She showed me a song our talks the night before reminded her of, and then she continued to play music off of her iPod all the way back home. It was kind of nice. Just the two of us (the three rabbits), the music, and the scenery whipping past. I held her hand part of the way up and part of the way down. I dunno why, but I like it. I like all the little things we do. I mean, yesterday at work, I could just watch her for a bit doing whatever or nothing, and when she noticed I just ... I love her, okay? She's adorable.

Yeah. So I mean to put the pool up tonight, but it suddenly got a bit chilly, not to mention wet, and I don't think we can patch the holes in the pool. Which means I get to play around in the dirt to remove all the rocks and make it level and smooth, but that doesn't really feel like progress. I wanted to get the damn thing up completely tonight. Well, water and smoothing out wrinkles would take a while, but still. Kind of makes me a wee bit angry, actually. Whatever.

Abbi's coming over again. Which is awesome. On top of the awesomeness is that I don't have to work tonight. Poor Kayla, but it feels awesome, okay? And I get to spend the day off with my favoritest person.

SONG OF THE DAY: Land of Confusion ~ Genesis