Gefühle

I just wrote a journal this morning.

Wait ...

Lemme rephrase that.

I just wrote a journal yesterday afternoon, but I haven't slept yet and I wrote it right after I woke up, so that is why I wrote statement above like I did.

But anyway, shit happened, and I don't want to forget shit anymore. Like I did all school year. Except I still am in school.

So after I finished the journal, I actually did start working on my government. I watched one of the six lectures I should watch before I do the test - although I think I'm going to take the multiple choice part of the test as soon as it's open and I'm awake. Because it's government. Politics are stupid. It shouldn't be hard, right? Famous last words.

So if I'm dead after 6 June, it was death by government class, okay?

Halfway through the lecture I went out to take care of my rabbits and I think I made the ultimate decision to sell Millie. I'm not finding her pedigree, she didn't do so well at the show this weekend, and I want to keep my Mini Lops small anyway. She'll make a good pet for someone, though.

I think I was browsing Tumblr half of the time during the second half of the lecture. I just didn't have it in me to pay attention. My notes are scrawled so badly, I doubt I'll be able to read anything in a week or so. Actually ... looking at it now, I've written worse. Everything she described in the lecture, though, seemed so common sense. I want to stab someone to death.

Turns out I didn't have a dollar besides my Mishapocalypse dollar, so I went straight to work without stopping at my gas station. My gas station? What the hell? Um ...

When I did turn up at work, Abbi was already there sitting in her car in the parking lot. I said a hello to her, started walking inside, but she stopped me and demanded a hug. Okay, I wrote that a little forcefully. But she definitely got her hug.

Ralph had one and a half hit racks done when we walked in. It was kind of nice, knowing I didn't have to do all of them. I'm used to doing all of them on Mondays and a little over half on Tuesdays. Having to do all four of them on Tuesdays would drive me insane. Although today was my last day for hit racks. O.O Until next school year, that is. But that kind of just made things a little better.

It was a little busy at first. Everyone eventually did walk in, and there was some confusion as to where everyone went. I thought Kayla had to be up front with me whenever she works because Wes wants her to be experienced up there. I mean, it's not that hard. But whatever. So I was planning on putting Bernie on phones and Abbi on cut table. Sterphy kind of automatically gets back. But Ralph butted in and told Kayla she'd be on cut table, and Abbi up front with me. Pleasant surprise, I guess.

The day wasn't actually too bad. Nate ended up showing up at work instead of Matt, which kind of disappointed me, but there's not much I can do about that. Justin was working again, and ohmydear.

I've mentioned that kid's dumb, right? (I still don't know why I call him a kid; he's most definitely older than me) I think I'm getting a scope of just how dumb he is. I started insulting him in front of him. During our conversations. My best one - and the only one I remember - was him telling me that he wasn't thinking last night and forgot to clean the slicer. I replied, "I don't think you ever think." And he just kept talking as if I hadn't said anything. I'm not a fast thinker, so I'm rather proud of some of the comebacks I had with him. Half the time I just started laughing and he couldn't figure out why. One time I had to walk away because I was laughing too hard. He's just ... empty. Abbi's word, but it works. Sterphy started calling him a venus fly trap. That's too dumb to catch a fly.

I let Sterphy go shortly after seven and Kayla go not long after that. Justin finally got everything done (after I checked everything, like, three times) around seven-thirty and left after that. Which left me with Nate, Abbi, and Bernie. Eight o'clock hit and suddenly we were busy bodies. The phone was ringing constantly, so Bernie took the phone and I started on two subs that were ordered in the back. Which left Abbi up front. Eventually I caught up with things on the back so that I could help Abbi up front, and Bernie bounced from the cut table to phones to (once) the back.

That's where my mood started going downhill. Because periodically someone new would call until I just lost all enthusiasm. I started answering phones with a flat voice and I just didn't want to be there anymore. Bernie had left by then, and Nate was constantly on the road thanks to our rush. Which left me and Abbi alone inside.

Jake showed up a couple times, and the last time he did he asked me if everything was alright. He wouldn't leave until I responded. Kept reiterating the question, making sure I was alright. He didn't do it so well, though. 'Cause he told me that we were fucked and that we were going to be there all night. I already knew that, Jake. But he told me that we'd get through it and I'd be fine. Once I finally did grunt a reply, he said his goodbye and left.

I was working on a chicago pizza at that point. I think Abbi was working on her chemistry review. I couldn't hold back the tears that swam in my eyes, but I did keep from crying. That place is slowly breaking me down, I swear. I don't even know how. It shouldn't. Not like this. I mean, after the eleven o'clock night with Nate the night before, I didn't want to be there 'till past eleven again.

I was on the phone again with a scarily shaky voice when Abbi came up behind me and hugged me. I took the order, hung up, and I didn't want her to let me go. I needed that so bad. Nate came in during that little cuddle, didn't say much, and left again.

Thankfully, after that, my mood lifted again. Abbi started helping with dishes to help me get out of there ... and ohmydear, that girl. Nate came in again after that delivery, stared at her with brows raised. Didn't say much then, either, and left again.

When Nate finally came back from the last delivery around close, Abbi had already finished dishes. Nate and I really would have been ass fucked if Abbi hadn't done that. I found myself a special one, man. I couldn't tell her to go home and sleep, even though I should have, because I know I would have crashed again if she left me alone. I always come back to the selfish track.

Nate was counting his money, and I was leaning in the doorway talking to him. Told him Abbi was awesome or something. I forget what I said exactly. I told Abbi about it. But he nodded vigorously to it. After Abbi left he told me that he would have been a mite bit pissed off if he still had to do dishes and stay until after eleven. Poor guy closes tomorrow, too.

I was sad when Abbi left, of course, but it's good that she left.

I was playing music while it was just me and Abbi, and Nate walked in on "Rock Me Amadeus." He started singing or dancing to it or something. Brought up "Take On Me" again, and once Abbi left he asked that I play it. So I found it and did. Twice. I think he really thinks he can sing. We were both singing along to it, and he told me that he could hit the notes and I couldn't. I replied with, "But I sound better." He shook his head with a big smile. Nah. I really can sing it. Can't quite hit the high notes as well as Nate, but I can hit the lower notes without too much of a problem. I am a girl, right? *shrug*

The two of us left on fairly happy notes, at least. I was all for going straight home and ... I don't know what my plans were, but that didn't happen so well. I was listening to something as I passed by my house from the long way home and I ended up driving for another forty-five minutes or so. Didn't get home until after midnight.

First thing I did was check on the pool. Someone switched the hose from the spigot nearest to the pool to the spigot at the back of the house. And the water was off. Um. Okay, then. Guess it won't be finished by tomorrow morning like I planned. I'll turn it on again when I wake up, I guess. I think it's probably over half full. I hope. Can't see the bottom worth a damn. Gotta love well water, guys.

Again with the guys. I talk like I'm actually talking to people.

Yeah. So. Then I ended up here.

Waking up early tomorrow. Running some errands. Have the Dollhouse marathon with Alyssa at her house again at two. Then I got to wake up earlier on Thursday to go to work. Maybe I'll tell Ralph that I don't want to work for $7.40 in cash and I'd rather be on the clock. Because even after taxes I get paid more on the clock than in cash. And that's bullshit. I don't want to be cheated out of money any more than I have to. Even though if I went on the clock I won't have that money until after the road trip and if I take it then I will. But I'll have enough for the road trip and next semester.

I told Abbi I'm giving myself a budge of $2k max. Hopefully only $1.5k. Which gives us a between $100 and $150 to spend each day. Which includes eating, gas, and motel. And whatever miscellaneous thing we decide to do. Although I'm hoping half of what we do is lounging on the beach or hiking around. But any time with my Abbi is going to be good time.

I'm so glad it's just going to be us. Really, that turned out well.

Ich weiß es nicht, wo ich dieses schreiben soll, aber ich muss es ohnehin schreiben. Und ich schreibe es auf Deutsch, weil es umständlich ist. Für mich mindestens.

Meine Partnerin und mich, wir sprechen über unsere Gefühle. Oft. Und sie hat letzte Nacht gefragt, wenn ich meine Gefühle für ihr realisiert. Ich habe gesagt, dass ich mehr Gefühle als ich sollte für nur Freunde hätte. Ich habe gedacht, dass es albern von mich war. Ich bin nicht normale. Aber wenn ich "ich mag dich auch" gesagt habe, ich habe wusste, dass ich nicht zurück gehen könnte.

Ich möchte meine sexuelle Gefühle erklärten. Küssen war eine Sache. Aber ich hätte mehr auf meinem Verstand. Bevor sie erzählte mir, ich stelle mir vor ihre Muschi essen. Und das ging nicht weg. Ich stelle mir vor Geschlechtverkehr mit ihr. Meine Hände werden über ihren Körper wandern ... und ich werde sie berühren. Überallhin.

Aber ich habe ihr nur einmal geküsst. Und was ich möchte ... das ist nicht jetzt eine gute Idee. Ich kann das nicht haben. Diese Gedanken, sie müssen weggehen. Für jetzt. Hoffentlich später können sie nicht schlecht sein.

Ohmydear how I cannot explain myself in German. I have a hard enough time in English. Throw in another language? I swear it took way too long to write that. But I had to. And maybe I'll translate it later, but for now it should not be. Just because.

Doesn't help that it's kinda crude. As in very crude.

Abbi, I beg you not to translate that. Please? I'll end up telling you later, but I don't want you reading it through crappy German to poorly translated English. I promise it has nothing to do with Friday. Which I've planned for another day.