It Didn't Help

I don’t think there was a time this whole school year thus far that I actually, really wanted to be there. I used to love school. I used to love getting out of the house to go learn something. As a child it drove me, allowed me to be a good student.

Last year was when it started falling apart for me. I didn’t want to be there at the end of the year at all. Normally I get sick of school by the time the last few months roll by, but it normally isn’t so bad. And I had never wanted the summer to be elongated before up until last year.

Same situation this year. But instead of falling into the routine and bearing it, I can’t do it this year.

I can’t do it.

I won’t do it.

I haven’t done it.

Sure, I go to school, but my mind isn’t there. I don’t think it really has been there this whole year.

My friends go around saying how much class they don’t have. I dropped out of Physics—best decision of the year—but I still have fucking classes. I have homework, I need to think, I need to pay attention.

I don’t.

I don’t quite remember the last time I actually did a full week’s worth of Calculus homework. I just don’t care.

I opened up my book tonight, I stared at the damn problem, and then I threw my book across the room. I can’t do it.

I promised myself I would try again.

I should have known I’d lie to myself. I always do.

I need to get my Pop Lit project done, but the Internet quit on me. Infamous fucking Internet quit on me. Should I be surprised? No. No. No. No. No.

I went out for a walk to calm myself. I fucking pisses me off. I came back it, it was the same situation. I punched the wall.

It hurt. I felt the pain, but it didn’t help. I have blood on my knuckles, but it doesn’t help.

I cry.

I cry, but it does absolutely nothing.

I can’t my project done and it’s fucking due tomorrow.

I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to.

I’m watching movies in two classes … but I don’t want to. I’m fucking done. I honestly don’t care anymore. I just want to sleep … and sleep. Maybe hug a friend and never let go.

I just can’t do anything right.

I fail in Calculus, even when I do try. Trust me; I tried that last trimester and I couldn’t get anything above a C. I had a German project due today and I couldn’t find any information on what I needed. I didn’t do it, and I don’t plan on doing it. I don’t care anymore. And now I can’t do my Pop Lit shit because I have the information I need saved online to transport it from the school to here. I can’t access it. My group depends on me to finish it, but I can’t.

I don’t need encouragement anymore. I’m past that. Perhaps a nice word would have helped before, but when no one helped me up, I quit.

I’m a fucking quitter and I don’t fucking care.

I need a fucking lifeline, and nothing is steady enough to be it.

Humans are more fragile than they’d like to admit. They won’t admit defeat. I will. Stick a fork and me and let me go.

The only problem is … I still care. Just not about doing. I care about my future, but the now.

I don’t want to learn for the sake of knowledge anymore. That age of naiveté is gone. I want things to matter, but nothing does.

Calculus should … but it doesn’t.

I want to leave it all behind.

I want a week where I don’t feel like crying. I want to be strong again.

I want things to matter.

Nothing will ever happen.

SONG OF THE DAY: My Immortal ~ Evanescence