Get Over It Already

I'm getting sick of my ability to hold onto negative emotions so well. Not only grudges, either. I still have one of those on my back, but I'm talking about most of everything. I kind of feel like attacking something right now. As if my right hand isn't in pain enough, I want to hurt it even more. Destroy my ability to work well at work. The past couple weeks have been awful when it comes to that deep bone-ache. It's showing, too.

I don't even have reason to feel like this. This weekend was amazing. I woke up to an endless pounding on my ceiling/my brother's floor, which ticked me the fuck off and that hasn't gone completely away yet, almost two hours later, but that shouldn't  be enough to set me off like this. I have a date tonight. I should be happy. Ha - no.

Well, I need to finish where I left off. I couldn't get too far in my last journal because I had to board the plane. But I can't start my story there. No, right where I left off.

Begs the question ... where did I leave off? Um....

Right. Jake was getting my car free.

I stood, almost leaning against his car, as he tried freeing my car. Though he claimed it wasn't even very stuck. He just backed up a little, tried to get up the hill, and the tires just spun. So he backed up more, built up some speed, and tried moving forward again. He got about to the same place before the tires just spun in place again. Jake just backed up again, probably about a quarter of a mile down the road. He went a far way away. But this time, he was able to get up the hill. Parked it up past the curve at the top for me. I jogged up to him as he got out of the car. He told me that my car absolutely sucked in snow and that I needed snow tires. I kind of laughed at him just because I knew, knowing my dad, that that was impossible.

Is this the night I closed with Matt? And Abbi stayed late? Yes, I think it is. Because I haven't written - yes. I just had to continue thinking down the timeline. Seriously, I suck at keeping track of this shit. Which is why I write journals, so that I can.

Usually I don't like closing with Matt. Not because I don't like him. Quite the opposite, actually. He's a really cool guy. He scares me sometimes with his insight, but that's okay. It's nice sometimes because I don't have to voice what I'm feeling. He already knows. I feel comfortable around him, even if he ticks me off sometimes with his know-it-all attitude. Well, he does know. He's smart. Still a pothead, but smart nonetheless.

Thursday was different. Abbi stayed late, doing her cleaning, and I had to tell her after we closed that she needed to clock out. I didn't want Ralph on my case. Everyone knows that me and her are close, but that's no reason to keep her around forever. Although the plan was for us to hang out after Matt and I closed down the shop. That didn't happen for a very, very long time. I don't think Matt and I were out of the shop until after midnight. Abbi stuck around, though. She didn't have much of a choice. Her mom came in at nine o'clock (almost) on the dot and asked if Abbi was ready to go. I told her that Abbi didn't have school and her working curfew wasn't nine o'clock tonight. I kind of just went away after that. Disappeared. I totally forget where. The office maybe?

While Matt was doing his cleaning business, he was playing a fucking psychologist for me and Abbi. He asked us questions that pertained to our personalities and most of the time he was right. He just ... knew. It was a nice night because of that. I felt understood. I have a hard time opening up - an extremely hard time. Sometimes it's even hard to tell Abbi or Olivia something.

After we clocked out, and we said all our goodbyes, I asked Abbi where she wanted to go. She's about as indecisive as I am. Half the time I just do something with my mind in the "fuck it all" mode and make a decision that way. Well, I took Abbi home. I parked in my spot, which was the only place on the lawn that didn't have snow on it, and we walked through the front door. My dad was on the computer, which isn't unusual at all, and I heard Abbi behind me whisper, asking if that was him. I can't believe she's never met my dad before. Olivia was saying the same thing when I brought her home late one night. My dad's like a fucking ghost. I never realized that before.

We pretty much just talked. I had to deal with plane tickets again, but after that ... we just hung out. Until I brought her back home about ... two in the morning? I don't even remember. So I brought her home. My dad was in bed by that time. I took Jennings at probably twenty miles per hour because it was so bad. Not as bad as Chamberlain was, for sure, but still enough that my car decided it didn't want to go in the direction I wanted it to go sometimes.

When I dropped her off, I gave her a hug, and then pulled out all the Avenged Sevenfold CDs I'd burnt. I did it for her, after all. She's missing the City of Evil since I couldn't burn that album, but other than that she's got it all.

I didn't go home after I dropped her off. My dad had reset the gas milage, even though I had finally gotten it up to 28 miles per gallon right after I filled it up the day or so beforehand, and I wanted to get it from the 13 it was at back to the usual 26 at least. I didn't make it up that far, probably only to 22, but I drove around for a long time. I took North Territorial in the western direction and followed that to the end.

Y'know, I love driving. Listening to my music and just following roads. I find it enjoyable. But sometimes, when I drive, I wish I had someone with me. A lot of the times I wish it were Olivia, but sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to. But then, when I do have someone with me, it's not the same. I dunno.

The following day I was told that I had to leave a lot earlier than I was expecting. I got all the rabbit food together for my brother to take care of them. I got some clothes together, as well as some jeans since I had to do them the night before - otherwise I wouldn't have had enough. I left heaps of clothes in the middle of my room, sorted for the washer, but immobile and waiting.

As my family was packing out the door, since they were all bringing me to the airport, I guess, I remembered I forgot my toiletries, so I had to quickly run back downstairs to grab those. Couldn't grab my toothbrush because that was still wet from when I used it that morning. Then there was the drive to the airport. My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it until I was done hugging my family, through security, and waiting for my plane to arrive. Turns out it was Nate. Not Olivia or Abbi. Nate. He asked me if I was working, and if I was to tell Wes that he'd be about 15 minutes late. I replied, despite the fact that he would have been at work already even if he was that late, and apologized for not getting back to him and that I wasn't working because I was going to Colorado. I swear, sometimes that guy remembers the cookiest things, and then he can't remember the fact that I've been raving about leaving for the past week. I guess we don't really work together that often anymore. Which is weird as hell, because I'm pretty sure that both of us work five days a week.

I watched most of a Dexter episode while I waited. I finished it up on the plane and watched another episode while on the plane as well. Until my laptop kind of just died. Very suddenly, too. I got stuck next to an eleven year-old kid obsessed with One Direction. She kept asking me questions and showing me pictures of the band. I played along with it at first, but then I told her that I didn't listen to her type of music at all, and that I listened to metal. Didn't phase her at all. I thought that I could get away from her chatter by tuning into my TV show, but halfway through she asked if she could watch it along with me. I obliged and gave her one of my ear buds. But then afterwards, when my laptop died, I had to deal with her again. I mean, she wasn't bad, but I'm not a socialite.

When the plane landed, her mother from behind us told her to get out of my way, and then I left. I had the general idea of where to go, since they announced where the join flights were to be boarded, and the airport signs were very nice and easy to read. So I found terminal A, got a pretzel at Annie's Pretzels, and then waited again. I got to charge my laptop to about 40%, and I think I finished the episode of Dexter that I started on the plane to Dallas, and then I had to board. By the end of that flight, I just pulled out my phone and listened to music.

Okay, speaking of music. I can't go without listening to music right now. It's just too quiet and lonely without it right now. I'm kind of on the verge of tears though I have no idea where they're coming from. I've been sitting in this spot for two hours doing nothing but looking through music and deviantART and listening to music. Started with Deuce but ended up switching to Dead Celebrity Status. I, um, have quickly fallen in love with this band. I went on a couple off-shoot bands, since this is YouTube we're talking about, and DCS is kind of still a small band, and they're just so sad. And truthful.

When I arrived in Colorado Springs, I texted Morgan a couple times to figure out where to find her, and it was the easiest thing. I got huge hugs from her and Sheri, got an awkward hello from Gary, and then we were out the door.

Morgan and I pretty much just talked the first night. We said our goodnights very late in the morning, and then I retired to the guest room and watched another episode of Dexter. I think I played some Sims as well, since I still had the CD in my laptop.

They let me sleep in until two. Which is only noon at home, but it's still late for there. I heard a lot of footsteps above me and I should have gotten up then, but I didn't feel like it. So I didn't. When I did go upstairs and talk to them, I told Sheri she shouldn't have let me sleep in so long, though.

What did we do that day? I think we just went around Colorado Springs and went shopping. I got myself a little clay lizard I can put on my wall. I got Joe a little birthday present and I got myself another mood ring. I meant to find Abbi a bracelet but couldn't find one that I liked. We got back home, I called up my mom for the vanilla popcorn recipe, and we made pizzas for dinner. I used our dough stretching technique and my pizza came out a whole lot rounder than anyone else's. But we were using corn meal instead of flour, so I couldn't do everything the way we did at work. Plus, we didn't have as much cheese. I had ham and pepperoni on mine, just enough, and then Sheri dumped, like, the rest of the pepperoni bag on my pizza. That was a lot of fucking pepperoni.

I took a lot of pictures of us goofing around the kitchen that night. We were having fun. After dinner, Morgan and I watched Doctor Who on Netflix. We said our goodnights, and then I watched an episode of Dexter on my laptop.

The following day, Sheri woke me up at like eight or nine. I had breakfast with them, though I'm having a hard time remembering what we had. We went shopping again. I got Ben his birthday present, which is a bug monster named Benny. I couldn't resist. It begged to be bought once I found out the thing's name was Benny.

Later, Morgan and I went to a couple sports stores to find facemasks to go skiing the next day. I ended up forgetting mine the next day and I never used it, but I'm pretty sure I'll end up using the mask when I go snowboarding later this winter.

And then, after dinner, which I forget what it was as well, we went to the zoo. Up in the mountains. During the cold freaking night. I had forgotten gloves and I didn't have a hat, so I was cold most of the time, but it was beautiful there. There were so many Christmas lights. I would have absolutely hated putting all those up. I could have petted a giraffe if we were willing to wait or push through a crowd. I got to see some elephants. I couldn't find the leopard. We watched some overzealous mountain lions. Those things are awesome. I'm kinda thinking a mountain lion is my spirit animal. Not that I believe in spirits, but whatever.

When we returned back home, we watched some more Doctor Who, I believe, and we went to bed. Once again, I watched Dexter. I watched Dexter every single day. I finished the last episode last night, after all. Nate said it was a worse cliff hanger than the last season. Nahhh, he lied. It wasn't that bad.

I went to bed about one, though. I knew I had to wake up early. Morgan woke me up about six. I quickly pulled everything together and then we were off. We picked up her friend at her house, and then we drove to the mountains. We discovered, though, that the windshield wipers were worth crap. We got stuck behind a semi once, since Morgan was a little less zippy than I am, and it kicked snow up onto our window. We quickly found out that we wouldn't be able to clean the windshield. Poor Morgan was moving around trying to find a hole in the grime. We had to stop at a couple gas stations to clean the windshield. She had to pull over and I had to get out of the car and lunge across the hood of the car to clean it with a napkin and water once. We made it to the pass in one piece, though.

We bought our passes for the ski lift, and then we went and rented our skis and boots. I didn't know what was going on, but everyone was very helpful. It took very long, and quite a lot of pain, to get the boots on my feet, and it was very awkward with skis attached to my feet, but I quickly picked up on it. Morgan and I went up on the ski lift together my first time, and I kept looking down and tried to figure out how painful it would be if I fell off the lift. I never did, thank the Air. Didn't expect to, either, but it's just something I do. Whether I want to or not. My first time down the hill, they tried explaining things, and I think I had it all under control, so I went down the mountain. It was fun. Second time we went up, Morgan said I should try some turns. So I did. I picked up on it very quickly. I had a lot of fun.

By the end of the day, I was one of the more skillful people there. Unfortunately, I did run into a little kid once. After a huge, fun-filled day, my last run down ended in a fucking crash. A guy on the ski left yelled at me and said I was going way too fast. No, it was a brief moment of panic at seeing the kid and slow fucking reaction. I hadn't had a problem before this. I was planning on going through the trees for the first and last time just to prove I could do it. Well, that all went to fuck. When I regained my feet, there were already people milled around the kid. He wasn't crying or anything, but I thought I might as well ask if he was okay. A ski instructor turned to me and lectured me. That doesn't work with me. I fucking hate getting talked down to. I was already pissed off because of the person on the ski lift. I couldn't go through the trees anymore because I had lost my speed and angle. I had nearly collided head-on into a kid, but managed to avoid the worst of it by twisting. I was fucking pissed off. I didn't show it to Morgan or Andrea, didn't even mention it, but it certainly ruined the great mood I was in for the rest of the day. I couldn't push it out of my mind. It was a mistake, and the kid wasn't even hurt, but for fuck pete's.

When we returned to the car to grab our shoes, I quickly stripped down to my sweatshirt, Morgan's sweatpants, and only left on the hat that I was wearing on the slopes. I really wanted to avoid a confrontation, because I felt that if someone did recognize me, I would have attacked them. I would have lost it then and there. I've never had anything like that happen before, and I usually do whimp out, but I'm not usually that pissed off when I do. I stood up to my dad when I've been angry. I've been able to hold my own with Jake when he pisses me off. I almost could have lost my job if Amy didn't give me a warning when I was pissed off with her one Friday.

We returned our ski equipment, and then we had to go back home. We stopped once to clean the windshield, and it was only on the way back did I realize how high in the mountains we actually were. Most of the trip was downhill back home.

I think I fell asleep on the way back. Andrea gave Morgan's phone to me, which was our source of music, and before I drifted off, I asked her what station on Pandora she wanted. She switched it to a Hollywood Undead station for me when we reached the mountain pass, and I enjoyed that station quite a lot, but I knew it wasn't the music they listened to. Plus, the station was mostly Hollywood Undead, Deuce, Linkin Park, and 3OH!3. Last.fm is better with variety. Which is how I found Dead Celebrity Status. Pandora doesn't play less known bands, like them.

Even though I got a little nap in, I was still exhausted for the rest of the night. I finished off my sandwich I made for the mountains for dinner. We watched a lot of Doctor Who, and Gary even joined us in watching it for a bit. I didn't much mind. As long as he shuts up or leaves the room, he's okay. At ten, I called my family. I called my mom first, but didn't get an answer. So then I called Dana. She didn't answer either. Finally, I called my dad and got in touch with their party. We talked for about ten minutes, and then we returned to watching Doctor Who. Despite how tired I was, I squeezed in an episode of Dexter before I tried going to sleep. And, even though I was exhausted, I couldn't go to bed. I just wanted to get up and punch at the cement wall they had. I wanted to vent my frustrations, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I eventually fell asleep.

I felt better in the morning, which was good. But then I saw my camera, and since I had recorded the last trip down the mountain, since I was doing the most daring thing I had yet all day, I got to rewatch the collision and hear the guy yell all over again. I erased it, and then helped a little, but my memory was refreshed. Now that I'm out of Colorado, I feel better. But something's there now. I'm not all better.

We ate lunch, which was some open-faced taco sort of thing, and it was really good. And then we went out for ice cream because I had said ColdStone was good, but Morgan claimed this place was better. The ice cream was good, I'll give them that. Then it was off the airport.

I gave them about a bazillion hugs. Thankfully Gary stayed behind to watch a football game, so it was just me, Sheri, and Morgan. After our last hug, I grabbed my stuff, went through security, and waited. Some douche was using the only two sockets in the entire airport (the only two I could find), so I watched Dexter without plugging my laptop in. Which left me with one episode, 44% battery, and no means of finishing the episode on the plane. So I listened to music the entire flight. When we arrived at Dallas, I ate another Annie's Pretzel pretzel, found my gate, and sat down for probably five minutes before they started calling for my plane. I thought I had an hour to wait. Well. No. Once again, I listened to music. And that's where I really looked into DCS. Because I had three of their songs on my phone and I know I like them all.

When I finally got back to Detroit, I called my dad when I was near the front door. It took me a while to find him, and a long walk in the cold (and I had left my winter coat in my carry-on bag, but my fuzzy sweater was enough to keep me warm in below-freezing weather. No wind. That's why. I found his car eventually, got in, and it took a while to get out of the tangle of cars. It was midnight and there were a bajillion people waiting to pick people up.

Dad told me that the battery in my car was basically dead. I told him the story of me trying to jump Nate's car, though I didn't tell him what that lead to. I have to have a driver with me at all times at the shop now. If someone gets done early, I can't let them go until I get a new battery. Not sure how John's going to feel about that. Nate and Matt would be fine with it. I'm pretty sure Jake would deal with it. John's still kind of new to me.

When we got home, I didn't go to bed. I grabbed some cookies because I missed them while I was in Colorado. I let Daysie out of her room and said a long hello to her. She was so excited to see me. When I went back into my room, Puddin flipped the hell out. Seriously, she was running circles so fast around in her cage I swear her feet were running on the ceiling. She certainly was using the walls. I flicked on the light and it took a little to settle her down, because after she realized it was me she just started stomping. So I reached in, swatted her upside the head, and then just played with her fur. Apparently she was awful while I was gone. She was growling at Joe every time he tried to feed her and freaked the fuck out. They caught it on video, they said. I believed them. I know she's insane, but I didn't think she'd be so aggressive. I guess I'm, like, her bonded buddy. Fuck everyone else, in her world. I don't even know.

It took me a while to warm up my feet when I decided to go to bed after five in the morning. I had over 100 messages on deviantART that I needed to go through, and I wrote a journal on there. I guess I'll transfer that over to here. Actually, I'll copy almost all of the journals over here. The personal ones. Which will give me even more journals for 2012. Once I fell asleep, though, I was out. I woke up at eleven, and then my brothers were acting like fucking elephants. I tossed around a couple times, my fists clenching, and then I started - well, I was pissed off. When it didn't stop, I stood up on my bed and pounded on the ceiling. That didn't work, so I just screamed in frustration. It still didn't stop. I went upstairs, flung open the door between the two levels, and asked my mom what the hell was going on. They were playing basketball. I didn't know what to do, so still pissed off, I went back downstairs, slamming the door behind me, and couldn't go to bed. Thankfully they stopped soon after.

Now I've been on the Internet ever since. It's taken me probably about two hours to write this journal. I've gotten up a couple times, had a nice little time with Puddin. I think she missed me. She's been so nice to me.

Anyway, time to do something productive. I got dressed for skating later tonight. I think my mom's pissed off at me because I'm leaving tonight instead of hanging out with them. I don't give a fuck. I'm done giving fucks. I wish.

SONG OF THE DAY: If These Walls Could Talk ~ Dead Celebrity Status