Set Up for Pain

I really need to write more. Not only that, but type it up so it's faster and a more complete idea. I don't know what it is. That's why I prefer typing stories and essays rather than hand write them out. I write better.

But whatever. Pencil and paper are what's at my disposal right now. I need to write because this bugs me. No, it pisses me off.

Yet I don't know where to start. Hmm....

I started to get sick not last Friday, but the Friday before. My symptoms changed, like, everyday, so I don't know what I felt like that day. I know Wes let me go early though. I went home and then straight to bed. Except I didn't get a lot of sleep. I woke up early with my family to go to a swap somewhere around Grand Rapids. I think we figured it out to be the swap where we got Jackie before.

Jackie died, by the way. We have no idea how. She kind of just disappeared and we found her body rotting.

Anyway, the swap was miserable. It wasn't terrible cold, per se, but it rained the whole time we were there. I stayed outside at first, trying to sell Mo, but I eventually climbed into the truck and dozed off. My bones ached. No, ached is the wrong word. I didn't even have to move and it felt like shards of my bones were being shoved into my muscles. I don't even know what was going on there. But I suffered through it. I slept on the way home, yet I still covered for Ben that evening. Erich let me go home early, at least. I went straight to bed.

Sunday we were supposed to go to Erebus in Pontiac. So I'm pretty sure I slept in and felt a little better than I had the two previous days. We ended up not going, though. Olivia discovered that it was supposed to storm in Pontiac, we probably had to wait two hours outside, and only groups of five were allowed in at a time. She convinced everyone else not to go. And Nate told me he was sick and hung over, so he was out as well.

I was pissed off, for sure. I was totally looking forward to getting scared shitless. Instead, I picked up Jess and Cara to go to Lindsey's house. We watched a foreign version of Shutter on Netflix after Al and his friend got to the house. Apparently they asked a homeless dude to pick up liquor for them. Al's friend had lost his ID, because he really was 21, and cops were squatting at the liquor store he usually bought at. I didn't really want to drink. I was still a little sick from the whatever and while alcohol doesn't affect me, I didn't think it would help.

I was right, by the way. I don't know when I took Jess home, but I had three shots of Captain Morgan by then and I felt nothing. I missed Dancer while going down Jackson, but I attribute that to have flippin' tired I was.

I wasn't hung over the day after, but my sickness did get worse. Erich let me go early again. By this time, I felt bad that I was asking to leave early so much. I didn't go straight to bed that night, either. I stayed up to watch Revolution. Then I went to bed straight after.

I didn't get up at seven to go to my Chemistry lab on Tuesday. I accidentally set my alarm to PM instead of AM, and by the time I figured that out, it was too late to get to my lab in time. So I slept in, despite my mom coming in and waking me up. I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Tuesday night at work was awful. I worked up front with Erich, but I couldn't stay up front. I kept getting faint or felt the need to go and throw up. I don't know what it was, but I think I spent more time outside getting my head under wraps than instead topping. He let me go practically in a rush because I couldn't help him and I obviously felt shitty. I felt bad, but there wasn't anything I could do.

Wednesday I still wasn't feeling very much better. I skipped my English class at night despite my parents getting angry at me about it. I didn't care, though. I felt awful.

I bought myself some orange juice after work on Tuesday, and I think all of it was gone by Wednesday night. So I bought another jug of orange juice. That disappeared quickly, too. I went through a lot of orange juice, but it was my only intake. I didn't drink anything else and I didn't eat. I didn't feel like doing it at all. I just wanted my orange juice and to sleep.

I felt a lot better Thursday. I was talking again at work, I didn't feel like dying or anything, and my head no longer randomly pulsed with pain. I didn't ask to leave early, which was a good thing because I think I rolled out twenty plus trays of bread sticks. It got a little tedious after a while, tell the truth.

I got some hours in Friday night. And then I stayed longer after I clocked out. I told them it was because Wes felt left out and I had stayed to close with the other managers: Jake, Kevin, Erich. Except before it had almost always been because of the driver and this time was no different. When I stayed with Jake it was because Tyler. Everyone else was because of Nate. Except with Kevin. Kevin got me high and I couldn't leave. That really was a great night.

I don't know what was up with me Friday night, but I couldn't shut up. Nate asked me a few times if I was high or something. He's seen me high before, though. I joked, but when he asked me outside, I got serious and told him no.

Oh dear!

Before, though, when Galya was still at the shop, Nate's battery wouldn't start up his car. I got out my jumper cables, pulled up my car, and tried to jump his, but half of the time it wouldn't even turn over. Eventually he told me I'd have to take the delivery. I was nervous as fuck. I took the bag out of Nate's car, memorized the address, and then left. I have no idea why, but the whole way down Huron, and partially down Broad, I just screamed Nate's name. No idea why.

I passed by the dude's house - his address was poorly displayed - but I did get there and received a $4.91 tip. I was ecstatic. I got back to the shop, Galya had left, Nate was doing dishes, and I don't remember what Wes was doing.

I took a delivery, though. It was actually fun.

So then Saturday I was dancing to the music in my head. Nate was at the Michigan game, which Wes was playing on the radio. Which was why I had music in my head. I sang that song the whole time I was there, and I stayed clocked in for six a half hours. Granted, I got there at four instead of five, but still! As soon as Abbi was good to go, I booked it home. Although Matt tried to get me to close as driver. Ha!

Alyssa, Abbi, Kim, and I pulled an all-nighter. We watched Monty Python,  which I still don't really get why it's so wonderful, as well as Howl's Moving Castle. I haven't watched that movie since Kyra showed it to me in sixth grade. It's a wonderful movie.

Stephanie had to leave early, dunno why. I never asked. She also was the only one that got any decent sleep. Kim and Alyssa left somewhat early as well. I didn't bring Abbi home until about noon. I didn't want to take her home, though. She's turned out to be the person I can tell anything. She really is my best friend and I appreciate her sticking by me. She's told me her secrets, she usually takes my side on things - which isn't always a good thing, since she adopted how I talk about Jake, too - and she's just an overall good friend that's always there for me. I don't think I've ever had that before. I don't know if she knows how much I appreciate it.

I watched the Avengers after everyone left. I got the movie for my birthday. I watched it while I was supposed to be babysitting Ben, but I fell asleep. I don't know for how long, but no one said anything. Because I woke up before Joe and Mom got back from whatever band thing it was that they were at. I certainly didn't tell them I fell asleep.

I'm glad I didn't have to work that night. I didn't know what to do, though. I had time on my hands. That never happens. XD It was awesome. I didn't use it productively, either.

Where does this leave me? Monday? The whole reason I wrote this journal? The whole reason I needed to write this journal?

Monday hurt.

I stayed after work again, even after I clocked out. I've been doing it a lot often, and I'm not that proud of it, but whatever. Erich had found out about the radio that the guys keep for doing dough, so he somehow connected his MP-3 player in through the radio to listen to music. He has a very interesting, but rather good, taste in music. So we didn't really talk a lot. I just hung around and didn't go home.

Then both Galya and Abbi were telling me that I needed to talk to Nate, to tell him how I feel. I was talking with Abbi right before I told Nate, mostly because I said "aww" to something she wrote me, and Nate pressed me for a reason. He actually bugged me about it. He never does that sort of thing. So I told him. I told him that these two had been bugging me to talk to him because I liked him, had feelings for him.

He immediately looked away, I think he said "okay," and then he didn't say anything else after that. He didn't look at me for the rest of the night, either. I didn't know what to think. My hands were shaking because I finally let out something extremely personal that concerned him, and he withdrew.

Galya had told me that Nate knew that I liked him and that she knew how he felt, but she wasn't going to tell me. She told me that I had to tell him in order to figure it out. Then she goes around and tells me that I need to talk to him, that I need to tell him that I like him. What kind of friend does that only for me to learn that there really was no suspense. He never liked me back. He was being kind. He was being friendly.

I was fucking annoying him!

I didn't stay for Erich and Nate to leave. Nate stepped outside, awkwardly told me good-bye, and I just jumped in my car and rocketed out of there. I drove until I made it to Mason. Mason. That's a fucking hour away. And then, no, I don't go home. Oh, I tried, but I got more lost than I ever have in my life. I made it to Charlotte. Which is two hours away from home.

I left probably about ten thirty, and I didn't make it home until quarter after two. I was lost, I was hurt, and I was angry. Plus, I lost over half a tank of gas. And you know what? Driving didn't help. I'm still hurt, lost, and angry.

I skipped my Chemistry lab in the morning, and Mom got all pissy at me about it. I've avoided her for the rest of the day. I went to school, but when I came back home, I went in through the basement door and locked my bedroom door so that she couldn't come in and talk to me. I haven't seen her since she bitched at me about missing lab. I didn't even listen to her whole bitchiness when I left to pick up Cara.

Then I went to work. No, it wasn't a great day at work, either. For one, we were short staffed. We had three people inside, and then Erich. We usually operate with at least four people inside besides the manager. Then Matt was driving, but Opi never came in for Owen. Nate was supposed to cover for Owen, and he didn't show up until seven thirty-ish.

He hardly acknowledged me at all. He told me to "go ahead" when I needed to walk past him. He answered me when I asked him a question. That's it. Otherwise, he stayed out of the room that I was in, he didn't look at me, and he didn't speak to me. That hurt probably more than the night before.

When I left tonight, I was bristling with anger. Matt commented that I was angry, Erich confirmed it, and then asked me if I was angry at him. "No!" I told him, hoping I was convincing. "Not at all!" Because it wasn't him.

I did two preps tonight. I did bread sticks and the front make line prep, but I wasn't angry at Erich. I was solely angry at Nate. Because Nate was there. I'm angry at Galya for leading me on, too. It wasn't Nate that did it to me, it was her. Who sets their friend up for pain and rejection like that?

I've actually cried over this now.

On a side note, at school, I was talking with Eric (a different Eric than the Erich I work with) after Chemistry lecture, and this guy says hi to me in the stairwell. I think I've seen him before, but I don't know who he was. Apparently my face went red, and I know I kinda freaked out. I still don't remember who he is. He just ... said hi and waved. So confuuuuuused!

Alright, I'm done. I just don't want to talk anymore.

SONG OF THE DAY: Wasting Time ~ Red