PMS or Something Else?

I really haven't felt like writing lately. I mean, same old same old on the work, school, and Nate front. Well, Nate was kind of an ass toward me all last weekend, and it really did put me in a grumpy mood for most of the weekend, but what can I do?

Monday was like any other Monday.

Tuesday was kind of awesome because I didn't have classes. I walked into work when I was actually supposed to and Matt asked why I was early to work. It really took me a while to figure out what the hell he was talking about. I was only ten minutes early, which isn't that odd for me at all. It's typical. But for a Tuesday, that's like forty minutes early. Ah, gotcha.

I'm pretty sure I was in a bad mood Tuesday, too. But I dunno. There was one day that I was just an awful grump, but as soon as I saw Abbi pull in, I perked up and got all happy. Well, I was still grumpy throughout the rest of the night, but it wasn't as bad as that first ten minutes or so. Now I have a feeling this is a different day.

Y'know, Monday someone said "There goes Abbi," in her purple Blazer, and I immediately looked out the window but didn't see it. I turned around and asked if they were serious, and they pointed out the window. I eventually did see my Abbi and that got me excited. Pretty sure Nate was throwing me a "are you serious" look.

Bethany stopped by Monday, too, and talked with us for a bit. Just stood at the counter and talked. Now that I think of it, I think it was Von that pointed out Abbi's car.

Abbi and I had Bethany stop by after her play thing on Tuesday to hang around the shop a bit. Matt was confused at first, but we told him to act natural, and he let off a string of curses in a sort of joking manner before Bethany stepped in. I dunno why I found it amusing, but I did. I like that guy. I don't care what anyone else says.

Wednesday I didn't leave the house because I didn't have to. Didn't go to the gym, which I kind of felt guilty about, but I didn't care. It was my day off.

No, instead I got up and butchered. I put Standard Rex and Mutt Rex in the three-hole carrying cage I have, set them out by a maple tree we have at the corner of Picker Field, which separates our back yard from "out back." I grabbed my new knife I got from Cabella's on Friday, my field hockey stick, and I searched around for rope and a bucket. So I was all set.

I butchered Standard Rex first because I was supposed to butcher her with Californian, but the knife I had then wasn't sharp enough. Standard Rex went quickly. Squealed shortly before she was cut off. Continued thrashing around as I hung her up from her hind leg from the maple tree, and it took me a while to figure out how I was tying her up, but I got it. She got blood all over my down coat and pants. I was kind of angry at her. I threw her head in the bucket and grabbed Mutt Rex. My hands were covered in blood, but Mutt Rex hardly panicked at all. I don't know what it was, but I had a harder time with her. I couldn't get enough leverage to cut through her like I did Standard Rex, and I accidentally let go of her hind legs to get better leverage, but that just caused her to squirm more. I almost lost her, despite the fact that I already had a gash across her neck at that point. Wait - maybe I got the blood on my pants from kneeling on the grass after Standard Rex's butchering. I eventually did get Mutt Rex and hung her up alongside Standard Rex. I had to cut off her beard because the cut wasn't too clean, but that's okay. That's pretty flimsy skin anyway.

From there, I spent half an hour gutting and skinning those rabbits, though I think the hardest part was peeling the skin away from the foot and down the hind leg. Once I got past the tail, I was fine. Had to pull hard to get the fur past the front legs and stump of a neck, but that's alright. Once I got the fur pulled free, I threw it on the snow to keep it from getting too dirty. Gutting wasn't bad. Cutting off the feets was. I ended up keeping both of Standard Rex's hind feet to make feet key chains. One for me and one for Eric, because those feet are awesome looking. Standard Rex was a beautiful rabbit.

And I think I ruined her fur. :( Bah.

It took me a couple trips to clean everything up, but I didn't bother with cleaning up the blood this time because I kind of butchered out of the way. I started up dinner, since I volunteered to cook Californian that night, and started sectioning off the rabbits as Californian cooked. Sectioning those two rabbits took an hour. Half an hour each, working around the bones and shit. It was kind of frustrating.

But dinner tasted good. I should have put more pepper in the broil whatever, because the meat was kind of blah, but it still tasted good. The back was completely dry, but the legs were fine. Perfect. My brothers enjoyed it, but my mom got a weak stomach and heated up leftover meatballs.

Thursday was awesome, too. I mean awesome. I loved Thursday so much.

First of all, I didn't need to wake up at seven in order to go to Chemistry lab. Second, I had the drum lesson with Kevin. I've been bugging him for months about this, and we finally chose a day. At first he texted me and asked if we could move it from six to six thirty, but then he texted me again and asked if four thirty worked. So, a little before four thirty, I threw Puddin and her cage outside and headed to Kevin's. I tell you, it's awesome not having to map the house out first before I leave, thanks to pizzeria skills. I found his house no problem. Just knowing Dexter from my job.

He has a nice house.

I parked, though I had no idea where to park. I just parked. As I was walking down his driveway, he opened up the front door and greeted me. I walked in the door, felt so awkward, and asked him if I should take my shoes off or keep them on. He said it was up to me, but he usually drummed in shoes, so I kept them on and followed him to the basement.

First thing I noticed was deer heads all over the fucking place. And not just deer heads, but bucks with fucking huge ass racks. They were beautiful. And Kevin's drum set was pretty pretty, too. And the place was warm, man. I brought that up, said I was jealous. I mean, I live in the basement, and it's fucking freezing. I have a double-layer fleece blanket draped over me right now and I'm still a bit chilly. And I'm sitting on one of my feet with one knee tucked up into my chest.

He told me to sit down on the stool and familiarize myself with the drums, but I still felt so awkward. I ended up throwing my coat on the ground, just tossing it aside, but I couldn't sit down. I had no idea what to do. Eventually Kevin asked if I'd like him to show me how he warms up. So I got to watch Kevin drum a bit. He gave me ear protection, and damn I didn't expect drums to be so fucking loud. But damn, man. Drums.

After way too long, I finally had Kevin give me a specific task to carry out, and we baby-stepped me into a 4/4 beat. It took me probably half an hour to be able to do it consistently, and then switch from the hi-hat cymbals to whatever other cymbal. But seriously, I got a bit frustrated, and I stopped myself consistently when things didn't feel or sound right, but I got it. Kevin stepped in and guided me every now and again, and we had little conversations every now and again. A couple times, when I was struggling with the bass drum pedal, he helped me figure out the best way for me to handle it. Near the end of my time at his house, we watched a couple drummers on YouTube.

His mom and dad came down at separate times during the lessons. Kevin's dad near the beginning of when I sat down at the drums, and he asked me if I trusted Kevin with lessons. I answered with, "Not sure." Nah, I do. Olivia was telling me drumming is a lot of personal style, and I'm inclined to agree, especially with things Kevin was telling me. As long as I can keep a beat or rhythm going, I'm good. Kevin's mom came down near the end of my practicing. I think she asked if we really were having a lesson, because I think at that point Kevin was surfing YouTube.

Kevin gave me a pair of drum sticks to practice with at home, despite the fact that I don't have much to work with. But I practically skipped up Kevin's driveway when I left and greeted Zippity with a hearty hello. I was so happy, you don't even know. I absolutely love the drums.

I had dinner with my family again, instead of going to the gym to work out like I wanted to, and then I got stuck with watching Ben while my mom, dad, and other brother went to a mock concert or something for band. I got dishes done and got dessert for Ben and me. I watched Avatar: The Last Airbender on TV while Ben surfed the web for practical jokes. Kid's too easily amused.

Olivia came over after she was done working, and I don't even know what we did for a while. Ate junk food. We tend to do that every time she comes over.

When we settled down to sleep, Olivia started up a truth-truth game. We ask each other questions. She asked me a question first, I answered it, and then asked her a question. At one, she came up with something but then decided she couldn't tell me. It took me forty-five minutes to get it out of her. We went through a couple rounds as I kept bugging her, and she went to the bathroom and I still continued bugging her. My persistence did pay off, but it took her even longer to get the words out. Which really was three words. "Me kissing you." I didn't know what to think, and it took a while as we both struggled for words. "Not in a sexual way, but I guess it would turn out that way ..." she said, trailing off. I didn't quite know what she wanted, but then she asked me if I would do it. Which is where I struggled for way too long.

So ... um ... we made out last night. But by no means was it ... I mean, what the fuck. I can't even put words to it now.

I'm straight. I mean, I certainly appreciate the feminine body much more than most chicks, and I've taken to times when I can stare at a woman and say "Daaaaamn." I've done that at work before. But I wouldn't be able to, like, have sex with a chick. Eat out a chick or anything. Well, I don't think so.

But I made out with one of my closest friends. And you know what? I liked it. A lot. And fuck. I've never liked making out before. Never.

Thing is, it didn't make things awkward between us at all. All we are yet is just really, extremely close friends and it'll be nothing more than that. Nothing changed between us at all. She still sexually teases me, but she does that all the time. Last night was kind of worse than usual, because I've been so sexually frustrated lately because of Nate, and she didn't even have to try to frustrate me more. But I was so terribly frustrated that I knew there was no way I could go to bed. But after we kissed, I just snuggled up against her and could only mumble as I wanted to drift off and go to sleep. I don't even fucking know.

Y'know, I don't think sex ... gender ... whatever, really matters to me. Does that make me pansexual? I really fucking wish I was asexual sometimes, and I do consider myself heterosexual, though I've been bisexual curious for years. But fuck me. I don't even want to think about this anymore.

I think I finally found the Avenged Sevenfold album that made me so fucking horny that one day coming home from school. I mean, after I gave all the Avenged Sevenfold CDs to Abbi for her birthday, I've been trying to figure out that album. Found it!

Drums.

Mmm.

Ah, today sucked, though. Like, it started out good. I was sore from sleeping weirdly so that I didn't fall off the bed. Olivia ended up poking me endlessly to wake me up. But as soon as I walked into work, my mood instantly went downhill.

I ran into Jake at the gas station before work, though. I went to pick up an Arnold Palmer because I'm tired of begging drivers to get me one, and Jake was leaving there. And for some reason Nate was sitting in Jake's car, but whatever.

Jake told me I should close for Wes tonight, and I was confused until Wes talked to me. Wes has to open tomorrow, and apparently he has to get up super early because of a time order, so he didn't want to close. So I said I'd do it.

And I thought, oh, it's going to be a good night, because I get to close with Nate. It's usually good and fun.

Well, not tonight. Turns out, today was Nate's birthday. He's a Pisces. Yeah, well, half of everyone wanted to take him out so he could get plastered, but he said he wasn't going to do anything tonight because he had to get up early for the time order, too. Driver John did terribly with his prep, and I didn't give a shit. Dumb stuck around until closing time, and that ticked me off. So did Jake, but Jake and I are all good right now.

I dunno. I just wanted to go to Tio's so badly after work for most the night, but then I was texting Abbi, nearly breaking down into tears in the middle of the store again, and I realized that didn't even sound appealing anymore. I kind of just felt like a ghost for the last hour at the shop. Near the end of the night, I had all my stuff done, and I was standing near the front of the store, Nate was sweeping nearby, and even though I had my head turned down to my toes permanently for the night, he asked if I was alright. I don't remember how I responded, but he persisted and asked if I was pissed off. I know I responded negative. "Not pissed off at all," I told him. He went off to the sink, and I leaned against our stack of boxes, fighting tears so hard. I mean, Nate noticed that I was off, even though he couldn't figure it out. The fact that he noticed and pointed it out, I just wanted to collapse. But then the creates of twenty ounce pops fell over, I looked up, blinking back tears, and he smiled sheepishly. I went over to help him pick it up, pointedly keeping my face downwards, and he asked if I was high. Pointed out that my eyes were red. He leaned over, though I wasn't sure if it was to get a better look at my face or pick up a pop. I think it's the former over the latter, though. I mean, I did get high with Matt and Jake Tuesday, and Nate showed up later and tried to figure out if I really was high, but I kind of didn't talk to him at all. He's been pissing me off lately. He did eventually let it drop, though, when I never gave him a straight answer.

We didn't talk much tonight. Mostly because I just wanted to curl up against the wall and cry. But when we were leaving, he talked more than usual. He forgot his cake that Jake picked up for him, and I had to run back into the store and play around with the alarm system to grab it for him, and I tried to be smiley. He made sure to say he'd see me tomorrow and questioned the exact time I'd show up. So I really don't know what to think about this guy.

I didn't even wait for my windshield to clear up. I started my car and gunned it out of the parking lot, leaving Nate and his new car behind. But I didn't go home. No, I went down 52, ended up on 69, and took 23 home. Mom and Dana were texting me because Dana was at my home, but I didn't care by the end of the night. I didn't care if I didn't see another human being all night. I got home, just deleted all the texts from Dana and Abbi's last text to me, turned off my phone, locked my door, and snuggled down in my chair to watch Supernatural. Didn't get far before Mom and Dana came in to talk. Didn't give me much of a choice, but just sat/laid on my bed and didn't leave for a while.

So why the fuck am I awake now? It's almost five, I'm exhausted, and I don't feel like anything right now.

I mean, on the road I was thinking to myself that I didn't care if I didn't end up at home, whether because of an accident or just sleeping in my car away from home. Finding a place to hole up for the night. At first I was crying in little spurts to a couple songs that popped up, but after a while I was just apathetic for the rest of the ride.

Though I did kick up my car to the top speed it can go. Finally. Just over 110mph.

Guys, only bad things happen when I feel this blah. Last night I was punching the punching bag, and even though Olivia was laughing at my feeble attempts, it was to get rid of this feeling. My knuckles don't feel the pain much anymore, and that scares me. You know what also scares me? I have the ability to kill. I can feel completely apathetic and I have the ability to kill and write off pain. I have wondered every now and again if I'm borderline a sociopath because of my reduced empathy.

I can't set up the makeshift drum set in my room and practice because I don't know where Dana is sleeping and it's five in the fucking morning. I can't punch the punching bag for the same reason. I'm reduced to sitting here feeling like this and hope I can go to bed so I can wake up again tomorrow. And go to school again next week. I dread that, man. I really, really don't want to go.

I swear, I can't feel happy for long anymore at all.

I can still find a bright side, but it doesn't do much for me. I was putting a pizza on the top oven today, and I completely missed and just dropped it. The skin fell to the ground in a plop, pepperoni went flying, sauce fell on the cheese bread below it, and the only thing I managed to save was the screen. I tried laughing it off, saying that I saved the screen, and Wes and Ralph weren't angry at me at all, but I was already in a bad mood at that point. They threw John on the road and pulled me up front, and that just set me off. I think that was the beginning of this descent.

Well, my big bright side is that I can draw again. Like, it looks good. I can always draw, but it finally looks good. The past three days I drew one Quarter Horse and one Paint Horse. My plan is to draw all these breeds to sell some of the horse designs I've been hoarding, and then draw some more so that my Gueno horse looks realistic. Because my Gueno horse has Azteca, Mustang, unknown draft, Thoroughbred, and Canadian horse in its history. I have to make all these horses appear in one breed. Although Azteca and Mustang are for color, mostly. Draft for build. Thoroughbred for speed. Canadian because ... I forgot why. Because the Gueno horse is a Canadian breed. I like Canada, okay?

I always thought the Paint Horse and Quarter Horse look super similar, but now that I've drawn both of them the only thing that's alike is bone, pretty much. Their faces have different structure, the way they hold their necks is different, though the muscle on their necks are similar, their barrels are similar as well as their withers but the Quarter horse has a rounder hindquarter while the Paint has more sloped muscles. Similar leg structure, but that's mostly due to bone type.

Yeah, so. Huh.

Well, here's hoping tomorrow's a better day and I don't end up hurting myself.

SONG OF THE DAY: Lion ~ Hollywood Undead