Welcome Back

For right now (and that's to say if I ever do), I won't get to my road trip with Abbi, the week back, and then leaving again for the family vacation. The road trip with Abbi was awesome and I didn't want it to end. I don't remember the week back. The family vacation was 'eh' and I don't think I'll be doing another one.

No. I'll start off when I got back.

I was texting Abbi every single day that I was gone. We've gotten to the point where it's hard to spend elongated times away from each other. A part of me thinks that I should be concerned about this, but all of me doesn't care. I want to spend my life with this girl, after all.

Originally, I thought the plan was that we were going to come back Sunday, and then I was informed that we were coming back Saturday. Turns out, we headed home Friday because we were positive that we weren't going to get another hotel room. We had a hard time finding hotel rooms in the first place.

Before we left on the vacation, I was emailing a lady about her blue otter doe that she had for sale. I asked a bunch of questions about the rabbit in the first email and she turned out to know what she was talking about. I was pleasantly surprised. And the rabbit, while she had giant ears, had nice proportions. So, on the way back from Pennsylvania, I gave the lady a call. Left a voice mail. A while later, once we were on the road again (we made a pit stop because I said I had to pee - like two hours after I first felt the need), she called me back, but since we were in Ohio in the middle of no man's land, our connection was lost. Dad made a stop specifically so that I could talk to her.

Ended up getting her that day. She has nice parents. Still has giant ears, but I like her. She was a bit skittish, and the lady (Heather) told me that she hadn't been handled much, but whatever. She was only nine weeks old, had a nice pedigree, and I figured she'd be a nice replacement for Jillian.

When we got home, I kicked Jillian out of her hutch and put Lilly in her place. Jillian's in the for sale cages right now. I put up an ad on Craigslist to sell her, jotting down some of her details, and I had someone call me about her Saturday morning. Um ... probably afternoon.

The first night back, and I didn't even spend it in my own bed. I packed up my pajamas in my laptop case and went over to Abbi's house. I think we watched one episode of Supernatural before I claimed I was tired. Pretty sure I fell asleep relatively quickly, too.

Saturday I didn't have to work, but Abbi did. Hell, I don't even remember what we did before. All I remember is that Abbi asked Kayla if she could get out of work early and I met her at the Classic Pizza parking lot and it was auf wiedersehen until we got to Portage Lake. Met up with Abbi's family. A fair few of them remember me. I wish I could return the favor. I felt like a fish out of water. So I kind of just stuck around Abbi's side. It works, right?

Eventually, Tyler got out his dad's boat or something and we went out on the water so we could watch the fireworks from there. I got to sit next to Pamela, and I kind of like her. She's funny. And then Abbi was on my other side. I was rather surprised when I figured out we were sitting at the stern of the boat.

One of Abbi's not-so-uncles was trying to diss me the entire time we were out on the water. Kept asking me questions, expecting to shoot me down and show me off as stupid. Every single attempt of his, I thwarted. It was kind of awesome. We were listening to music, and he was asking me if I knew the music from his era better than he did. I calmly replied that I didn't think that. I just knew what I listened to really well, and that mostly consisted of popular music of that time because that's what my parents listened to. Took him a while to start up his attempts every time I knocked him down. It was kind of fun. I never win at battle of wits.

The fireworks were awesome, by the way. Very, very creative. Had a bunch of the big bright loud ones that I really like, too. Saw quite a few new ones to top that.

Once we were back on land, however, Abbi's mom threatened her with a talk later on as well as with traffic if we tried to leave then and there, but we didn't heed her advice and left anyway. Poor Abbi was scared shitless of what her mother had to tell her. I tried playing it off, but I'm not very good at people-ing, even for my Abbi.

We stopped by at Classic again because that's where my car was and we went back to my house.

And now I remember what I was doing before Abbi went to work. I was vacuuming the pool with my mom because Dana and Eric were coming over. Dana, Ben, and I all jumped in the pool and swum around a bit, but Mom and Eric chickened out because the sky was threatening and it rained a little. Not a lot. Just, like, spit.

Dana and Eric were still at my house when Abbi and I returned, but they quickly said their goodbyes. So Abbi and I retreated to my room and watched more Supernatural. She was almost caught up to me by that point.

Oi. I keep forgetting things.

When Abbi and I woke up Saturday morning, her mail person dropped off Calcifer, her new tarantula. We took her over to my house to keep in my closet because we didn't want her mom knowing of her. So now I have a hedgehog and a tarantula in my room. I don't think I know what a normal pet is anymore.

Sunday, Abbi put off going home by sticking around until she had to go to work.

She informed me that I didn't get Saturday off like I requested, which meant that I had to go on a goose chase to find an inside person to cover for me. Kayla accepted closing for me in an instant, since she needs the hours. I owe that girl a lot by now.

I mean, I understand that I requested a lot of time off the past month, but at the same time this is a fucking part-time job, Kayla wants the hours, and is fully capable of doing everything I do - and probably is better at it than me anyway. I've been pissy lately, I've been self-centered, and self-absorbed. I've lost my ability to care about much at the job anymore. I understand that I've been acting like a privileged wench. A huge part of me wants to quit. Just ... walk out. They don't need me anyway. I'm a fucking tool to them. An annoying tool at that. But another part knows that if I do leave, I still need the money to pay for school and gas, and it's probably the best job out there for me. There isn't much you can do without a degree. I dunno.

When I got to work on Monday, Abbi texted me and told me that talk that her mom kept threatening her about was exactly what she thought it was about. Us.

Her mom was never supposed to know about us until I could get Abbi out of that house. Abbi said she lied through her teeth over and over again and that we were just best friends, and for once, I'm willing to go with that lie. Self preservation at this point. I need the girl. But more importantly, I know she still needs me, especially with her mom at her throat now.

So now we're hardly able to see each other, according to her.

The entire day, while we were texting back and forth (albeit slowly on my part), the entire Classic Pizza crew was enthralled by our drama. Kayla and Catelynn were throwing me advice. Von just wanted to know the juicy bits. Only Nate and Jazmin were quiet about it. Well, Nate was more interested in what was going on after it was just me and him. So I explained to him what I felt comfortable in explaining to him. We're a couple. That much is pretty much common knowledge at work anymore. Her "step" father is an abusive drunk. I know I've told Nate that before, but every time I do he gets more and more pissed off about it.

Didn't help that Nate was pissed off anyway. Catelynn and Von decided to pull a prank on him while he was out on a delivery. Catelynn parked her car parallel to the building and Von parked his truck in the middle of the lot. To top it off, they stuck our cone in the middle of a giant puddle. Nate said that he wasn't pissed off until he realized he ran the cover over. Said he didn't see the cone until he ran it over.

Poor Nate was angry yesterday. Well, so was I. But Catelynn gave me some hope. Said that Abbi was able to walk right out of the house right now if she wanted to.

Abbi kind of tried. Got in her car and tried to meet me at work, but apparently her mom came after her and yelled at her to get back home. I guess she tried taking Abbi's car away from her, too. In simple words, Abbi was pissed off.

When I got home, I did some research. Looked up as much as I could about how we could legally get Abbi out of that house. The answers I received were confusing, but the majority of it didn't look promising.

So, the following day, I sat up and up because I couldn't sleep, and eventually left the house before noon. Showered at eleven, was out of the house by eleven thirty. I went to the bank first and cashed both checks that I had gotten. I thought I had enough in my savings account for next semester, but I finally got my bills for next semester via email and I still need $300. I mean, I have almost $800 in my checking account right now, but I don't want to go the bank just to tell them to transfer $500 into my savings. I can wait until next paycheck without a problem.

I texted Abbi around the time I left and asked if she was awake. It took her a long time to answer. And I was freaking out. I thought her mom had taken her phone away.

Well, I did pick her up from her house and drove to WCC to see a councilor. I'm pretty sure we confused the hell out of the lady at the counter, but eventually we got to sit around for around 40 minutes and wait for a qualified councilor to open up. And we talked to her. I tried explaining the situation as best as I could, but ever time it came to the exact reasons we wanted Abbi out of her house, Abbi downplayed it every time. I didn't want to say anything about Abbi's depression or suicidal tendencies when it comes to her family, so the gist of our argument was because Abbi's mom was an unaccepting bitch and Tyler was a drunk that liked to hit people. Okay. I guess Tyler is reason enough. I mean, hitting isn't dangerous at all.

And, we found out for sure, that since Abbi is 17 she can't legally move out of the house unless she was emancipated. Which does not sound like a fun process, but I'm willing to put my all into it if I have to. Or, she can move in with her dad. She has the choice, after all. Unfortunately, in doing that, Abbi would probably have to go to Milan or Ypsilanti schools ... and that would just plain suck. I don't think she could live with me in my house under her dad's name and go to Dexter still. Now, if Abbi's mom was willing to let Abbi leave, then this shouldn't be a problem. But that's just funny.

Yesterday I was talking to Matt and Nate (Nate wanted a pizza but got caught up in Catelynn's drama so he stayed pretty damn long), and while Abbi was there, I was saying that I'd kind of like someone to be with us when we move her out just in case. Matt was being wishy-washy about it and said he'd rather not get directly involved, but Nate was all for helping us out. It surprised Abbi. Me ... not so much. I know these guys, okay?

When I got Abbi back home, Tyler was already there for some reason. Abbi was uneasy, thinking he'd tell her mom about her leaving, and I guess he did mention it. But he knows nothing. Apparently the guy can be friendly every now and again.

Work on Tuesday was slow as hell. But I'm completely fine with that. Abbi showed up after running some errands and stuck around until about eight when her mom yelled at her to come home. I took her on a delivery after Ralph left just because I could.

Ha. Oh my.

Yeah, so Ralph stuck around a while later than he usually does on Tuesday because I was missing both of my drivers. Jake and Matt were scheduled to work. Scott informed me almost as soon as I walked in that Matt was having an allergic reaction and was going to be late. Jake, on the other hand, was a mystery. I called him, but when he didn't answer, I texted him. He didn't get back to us until about an hour later. Then he had the gall to show up and not clock in. Catelynn, who ended up doing Jake's shift instead of her own, was very not happy about it. Matt, at least, eventually showed up despite still being itchy. He did close with me.

Abbi eventually came back, but with even more dark news. Now she's suddenly too old for sleepovers.

Ohmydear. I missed more!

After I got home from dropping Abbi off after the councilor, I sat at the end of the driveway until her mom came by. She's our mail lady. Kind of predictable. She pulled up the Higman's mailbox and asked if I was waiting for a TeeFury package she had in her hand. I took it, along with our mail, and told her that that wasn't really the reason I was there. I needed to talk to her. She was acting like the friendliest fucking person in the entire fucking world. Me, on the other hand, in the hour and a half of waiting, I kept getting bouts of sickness from thinking up a speech in my head. I used, like, none of it. I told her that I was informed that I wasn't able to see Abbi anymore. Her reply? Abbi tried sneaking out that night and she was overreacting. I played dumb. I didn't know what else to do without pissing her off. She was acting too friendly for me to be prepared for a complete one-eighty.

The only loophole I can think of is to continue using this dumb act until she gets pissed off with it and either threatens me or leaves us well alone. Just randomly show up at their house and be like ... what? Am I doing something wrong? I thought that Abbi was just overreacting. I'm going to take her with me now. I can't? Why?

Why. It's the best way to throw someone off-balance in an argument. Guaranteed.

It's been used against me.

That's how I know.

The only other thing I can think of is to see if her mom will simmer down and forget about this bullshit. Because, honestly, I don't want it to come down to threats or a fight. If she attacks me first, I'm all for giving her all I have. If she pushes me, I'm all for unleashing my fury. I'm an angry person by nature. But I will not hit her until she touches me. I won't let myself.

I'm fighting for my Abbi. Tooth and nail. I'm not going to lose her.

All throughout close, I stayed quiet counting money in the manager's office or just sitting around or doing the manager's checklist. I think I forgot to turn the air off, though. I ended up $300 over, so I gave up then and there, shoved everything into the safe, and wrote Ralph a note. He didn't tell me the day before that there was a bag of change totaling up to $59, so when I was $60 short that night I counted everything twice and Nate counted everything once. This night, I think it has to do with the new credit card machine that no one really taught me how to properly use. I wasn't going to dick around. I was already pissed off, a bit self-loathing, and I felt completely useless.

Almost as soon as I got into my car, I started crying. On and off I cried until I got home. And then I just sat there, waiting for Abbi to pull in behind me, and cried some more. She had to knock on my window to get me out of my car. And then I cried some more on my shoulder.

On my way home, through town, I was trying to lay out everything I was angry at ... maybe so that I could hate myself some more or maybe so that I could figure a way out of the mess I spun for myself. Either is a feasible option.

Because the only way I could see it ... everything was my fault. Abbi's mom saw me touching Abbi's leg and finally put the puzzle together. It's a stupid reason - one I'll use against her - but it's my fault anyway. I sparked this. Her mom isn't that dumb. We were trying to play her and I tossed her a bone. At work, I was gone too long. They're angry at me for a reason. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not capable. I'm replaceable. I'll be without a job because they'll finally recognize this and get rid of me.

You are your greatest critic. And I also believe that I'll take blame where it's due. Where it's not, I'll fight it. But where it's due, I'll take that in with everything else.

I'm going to rip myself apart.

I'm just ... so ... angry. All the time. I don't even know what at anymore.

No.

I do.

Myself.

I'm angry at myself.

And, since I can't come to terms with that ... I guess ... I take it out on other people. I make myself the bitch so that they hate me, too. I want to make them miserable, too. Because misery is pain, right?

How am I ever going to actually help Abbi if I can't help myself?

I don't want to be angry anymore, but now that I say this ... I can't ever stop being angry at myself. I fuck too much up. I created this mess. All I'm good for is sitting in my room watching stupid TV shows and eating my parent's food. I'm a fucking self-absorbed mooch. I don't care about anything but myself. I don't have sufficient empathy to make it through this world.

Oh shit.

I need to stop.

Now.

Because, while this kind of helps lay things out for me, I can't afford to have the anger rise to the surface again. I need to think clearly. I need to figure out a solution.

So ... I calmed down just in time for my mom to walk out the door with Daysie. I offered to take her for a walk instead. So I gave Abbi a tour of our out back. When we reached picker field, she was surprised to find that that wasn't our out back. Naw. Picker field is the border between our back yard and out back.

I took her along rabbit hole trail, which is a bit more built up than when I was last down there. The weeds are thick this year. Which, I guess, makes sense. They've been pretty thin lately, I do believe. From there we went down south trail, which had briars and tree branches and spider webs all over the place. Already our feet were squishing in our shoes. So, already wet, we passed short trail, plum trail (apple tree trail, but that doesn't exist anymore) and made it to tree trail. We pretty much had to crawl under one of the trees, but other than that tree trail was pretty much the same. That trail is almost always over grown. We took big trail just to get back to plum trail, to take us to truck trail, which is a lot smoother and more trail-like now, and from there we took parallel trail back to big trail. Parallel trail hasn't changed much at all. Plum trail is giant, but I knew that from before from last time I had been back there. Dad's trying to build the trails up with trees.

Once inside, I scooped ice cream up for ourselves, but as soon as Dad got condescending again, I left. Just ... left. Abbi followed quickly behind. I was already having a bad night; I didn't need his ridicule on top of it. Fuckin' A. I already know I'm not good enough for you. I whine too much. I don't want to hear it anymore, okay? I know what I am.

We watched Supernatural with the light on because I couldn't have it off. I just couldn't stand to be in the darkness of my room at that time. I don't know what it was. I just pressed up against Abbi after we finished our ice cream and sat there.

My mood eventually did get better over the night. I usually does, with Abbi around. Without her, I'd only fall deeper and deeper until I need to punch something.

I was telling Nate that I punch things until it hurts too much and I cry ... and then I feel better. Dunno why I was telling Nate. But it was kind of random, but usually when I say things like that about myself out of the blue ... it's true.

It's better with Abbi there.

I really, really don't like the idea of spending a multitude of nights alone again. I mean, it was kind of nice Sunday night because I finally slept like a rock for the first time in over a week. Monday night, however, I couldn't sleep at all. Those nights are best when I have Abbi there. Most nights are better with Abbi there.

I can't lose her.

She told me last night that she was thinking about relapsing again because of her mom. Surprise surprise, I was angry again. I swear, if Abbi cuts again I'm rounding on her mom and finally placing the blame where it belongs. Because Abbi doesn't need to hurt anymore. It's not her fault. She isn't a monster. She's been told this her whole life. Whom is she to believe? She's internalized it all. And it's her mom's influence. Tyler's influence. They'll pay. Eventually. Hopefully later rather than sooner, because I'd like to see Abbi again before her 18th birthday. The day where I bring the F-150 over and load up her room and leave her mom and Tyler behind. Until they can come to terms with this shit they've kicked up.

So ... yeah. It's a good thing I didn't write about the previous three weeks. This journal is bad enough.

This journal will not be fun to read again.

I'm just glad I got things out.

Not everything.