Insecurities

I rather dislike myself for it, but I've been looking at the guys in my life to see if things would work out intimately with them. I've been seeking relationship without actually saying it. Well, I guess until now.

A couple years ago, Nicole and I found it laughable that girls our age looked for relationship. Now we get together and we talk about what's latest with the guys in our lives and encourage each other with what's on our minds. We sort through the guys available, although Nicole's been stuck on Patrick since we started with guys. She won't make a move for fear of awkward situations later on.

Fear of what will happen in the future is part of my problem, too. Plus I'm somewhat of a social coward. I'm not exactly flirty, either. So I'm stuck with fantasies of what-ifs.

With Tyler, I couldn't do anything because he already had a girlfriend. Jake was more or less oblivious of my invitations and now he just ticks me off.

Now I have more guys in my life.

Lately, Nate and I went from exchanging hellos and quick words to having full-blown conversations. Saturday night we talked for over three hours. I didn't get home until one in the morning.

He's been Mr. Smiley for months now. Recently I've depended on his smile when my day at work has been crap. He's almost always smiling. Not only that, but I often babble to myself while at work. It starts off as talking to someone, but the someone leaves the room. Whenever Nate gets caught up in my story, he ends up being the only one to stick around and listen. And he remembers what I say. No one does that at work. When we were talking Saturday night, he brought up something I mentioned months ago.

Besides my close friends, no one does that. Hell, no one smiles as much as Nate. But listening to my fanatic rants, allowing me to be snappy without getting pissy back, remembering details I mentioned once ... my family doesn't even do that.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I do tend to do that. Maybe I'm just a friend to him with whom he can pass time.

I try scraping trays for him when he closes, often because he gets backed up with dishes. I don't do that for anyone else unless specifically told to do so by Wes or Jake. And the only reason I do what Jake says anymore is to keep him from flipping out on my ass. I don't exactly take kindly to people telling me what to do, especially constantly so.

Then again, when Nate catches my eyes - or vise versa - we often hold the gaze for a while. Olivia also told me that a guy is rarely "just friends" when he's single. Even if Nate thinks of me as one of the guys like everyone else, he's still worried of my feelings.

I just don't know what to think.

We talked for three hours straight Saturday. He gave me his phone number (under the pretense that he's driving me to school Thursday) then. I texted him when I got home and we had a little conversation after that. But then he never answered me when I said that foreign accent words were cute.

He's texting me now, though. I was so afraid that I scared him off or something, like he was some sort of flitting creature. I felt semi-nervous at work today, almost avoiding looking at him, afraid that something bad happened between us on his side. I'm the more pathetic creature, I know.

Nate isn't the only guy in my life, though. There's still Jake, of course, but I don't want to pursue anything with him. There's Eric, the guy I met on the canoeing trip with WCC. I wasn't too happy to discovered we share a Chemistry class together. And then there's Tom, a guy also in my Chem class, that got lost on the first day of school with me.

He was my lab partner for the first day, and he's talked to me outside of class, too. I was on my way to the car after my late class on Wednesday, and he stopped me before I reached the parking lot. We had a little conversation, mostly about the library, but he initiated contact. And he's cute to boot. Though so is Nate.

I feel that lately, though, I've been bouncing between the ideas of different guys. A few months ago it was Jake and Tyler. This month is fucking Nate and Tom. The thing is, I'm too shy to even show the guy that I'm interested in them. Beyond just talking to them, but then I feel like I'm bugging them. Nate's passive enough so that he wouldn't tell me if I bother him, at least from what I know about him. Tom's still a new guy to me.

Well, that's that, really.

SONG OF THE DAY: This Love, This Hate ~ Hollywood Undead